This morning W came over for her daily 'make breakfast and take the girls to school'. I stayed in bed because I was tired.
Around 9 she calls me on my cell phone:
W: Hi, I didn't transfer the $60 I give you every week into our checking account. I thought instead I'd refill D13's prescription that I saw on the counter.
Me: You don't have to pay for the prescription, I can do that.
W: (a little annoyed) Well do you want me to put the money in your account just so you can go pay for it?
Me: No, I'm just saying that I can pay for it. It's ok if you want to.
W: Well I also took the short shopping list you had on the counter so I'll pick those things up.
Me: Oh, you already have the prescription and list? I didn't realize that. Ok, thanks for getting that stuff.
W: (still annoyed) no problem, have a nice day.
So, I went downstairs and saw that she made a pot of coffee, something she hasn't done all week. Enough for both of us but she hadn't taken any.
Her 'love languages' are 'affirmations' and 'acts of service'. I thought about it and while I could 'read' the buying groceries and getting the prescription as an act of service for the girls, the coffee can only be for me. Why?
So, I realized that IF she was doing these things for me, because she feels like I am carrying all the weight of the financials and the family then I was being unappreciative.
So, I called her back and said very sincerely to her "Hey, I don't think it came across in our conversation, but I want you to know how much I appreciate that you're getting the groceries and the prescription. It really helps because that's one more thing in my day that I don't have to deal with. I appreciate it."
She replied in a pleasant tone "Thank you for calling and telling me that." and I just said "You're welcome, thanks again and have a good day, I'll talk to you later" She said goodbye and that was that.
I'm not trying to attract her back. Instead I had a "What would Jesus do?" moment and thought that I have been distancing from her more and more, for my own sake, but I have also gotten to the point to where I don't 'see' the attempts she makes to try to 'make up' for what shes done.
I'm not in the emotional place where I can interact with her positively without having expectations. But I will at least remove the 'edge' from our communications. I think that would be better for the kids sake because they are intuitive and can feel the tension.
I also thought about this, and it's mostly because of thinking about Sleepers sitch with an irrelevant OM, that she will never get the kinds of responses from OM that she has gotten from me all these years. Why? Because I KNOW her more deeply, more intimately than anyone. OM is an emotionally stunted 'man boy' who fills a need she thinks she needs filled right now.
She needs me to still 'be there', but I think she thinks that she has crossed the point of no return, and that I don't want her around any more.
Or, maybe I'm wrong.
Regardless, I'm still putting my focus on myself, not her.
