WAW Won't Communicate At All

[cotoffgard]

Well, hopefully you're not "doing nothing" and are doing your best to work out your issues and GAL'ing like crazy. How you feel is what she'll see at the hearing, so try your best to dispel as much of the negativity as possible.

BTW, DAM = Dumb @ss Man/Male

"Any advice on how to cope with all of the good thoughts (memories) that keep flooding my mind? I've been doing nothing but sobbing for the last 4 days. I saw my neighbor tonight and she told me that when she saw my W a couple of weeks ago, she had told her that she loves me so much????"

First of all, I wouldn't believe anything she says, and especially anything you heard through a 3rd party. What to do with the good thoughts? Keep them. They remind you of what you're fighting for. What you're probably more obsessed with right now is the inability to make more good memories with her. I've never found a magic pill to stop that feeling, but I try to make my own happy memories, ones that are not contingent upon my W. It gets easier the more you accept the fact that only you can make yourself happy.

[seaglass71]

Thx Ms. When my W left it was like a shock to my system. I felt like I was immediately put into a state of mental rehab. I "cleaned up my act" so to speak. I have been attending church and meeting with a counselor regularly and praying every day. I have been keeping myself busy and trying to remain positive. I really believe that I will not make the same mistakes again, regardless of how my situation ends up. Nothing that I did was worth losing my W. I was doing great (well as good as can be) until I received my D papers. Since that happened I feel like I've taken a turn for the worse. I am consumed with these memories of her and I. I lay in bed and can see the way she used to look at me laying next to me. If her family wasn't so set on us getting a D I would feel better. I know that it's not over yet and that there is always hope it's just very tough to stay focused on the positive. I know I am making the changes for ME but att he same time I wish I could show her that I've changed. I'm sorry to hear about your papers. Bring me up to speed on your sitch. I'm curious to know what happened.

[seaglass71]

Hi COG,
I think you're on to something about the memories. I feel like I'm being cheated out of making more good memories with her. I want to come across as positive in the hearing but at the same time I don't want her to misinterpret that as apathy. Am I making any sense?

[cotoffgard]

You're making total sense. It's all about balance. Subdued positivity is what I'd try to convey if I were in your sitch. Don't come off like a used car salesman, but don't look like and old dog on his last legs either. Another way to approach this is to ask yourself what would make your W want to come to you and talk? You know her best, so do what you think will attract rather than detract.

I wish I could paint a rosier picture about our sitch, but in the end I'm a pragmatist. I've been where you are (emotionally that is), and let me tell you that there are darker days to come. Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, you'll find a shovel you could use to dig yourself deeper into the pits. One day you'll ask yourself "What the f*** am I doing? Am I really that pathetic of a guy?". It'll probably be at tha point you'll take action.

For me, I needed to do something physical in order to be emotionally distracted. I remember one night sitting in my dark cave, shortly after s**t went down, just flipping through channels when something sorta "snapped". I got up, put on my sneakers, and just took a walk. With no where specific in mind, I walked about a mile west, turned around then walked back. When I got back to the apt., I felt a little relieved, enough so that I got a tiny bit of an appetite back where I could start nourishing myself again. Two months later, with the help of countless people who've contributed to my threads (my "Angels"), I'm going out with groups of people (IRL and not via computer mind you!), making new friends, really cute SoCal women calling/texting (won't go any further than that but the ego boost is awesome!), just started motorcycling, still go out for nightly strolls when I can, therapy session every week...

I'm not trying to brag, but I am letting you know there can be huge personal progress in a very short amount of time only if you put your sneakers on and take that first step. I know it hurts, and I really hate to see you, or anyone else with genuine change in their heart, go through something like this, but just know that you're going to emerge from the fire and brimstone a much MUCH better man! Let's hope that your W will see this before she's too late

[seaglass71]

The only thing I can think of that would make her talk is for something to trigger in her that would make her want to try again in the marriage. I don't think her seeing me 50lbs lighter will help - although I hope it won't hurt either. I was doing so well. I was G'ingAL and staying focused and then I received the divorce papers and that was it for me. I started spiraling out of control. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. What hurts so much is thinking that this divorce could go through without us talking or trying to at least fight to save this marriage. It just doesn't seem right...

[MsMelancoly]

Hi seaglass71, I will give a brief update on my sitch later as well as finding the detaching poem for you.

As COG has said, work on you ... and learning to be patient. You REALLY need to be at a good state of mind, before you contact your W. In one of my DB coaching sessions the coach mentioned something I never thought of. It's not just GAL, and/or 180s on the outside it's 180s on the inside. Example: my personality is pretty melancoly (I never get really really happy or excited, & on the flip site I get depressed, but can pull myself out). Thus my inside 180 was to be more upbeat & cheerful. Strange but at my work review in Aug. my boss said that I was very pleasant, happy & helpful to people this past year. (And yes I was in so much pain inside). As I've said to many others - you need to push through those bad, hurt feelings...they are part of life. (My H never did - he just ran away from them). Everyone deals with situations differently. The real thing that kept me going these past few months ... was that I decided I was going to take a different path, do all I could and see this through to the end, accept the outcome instead of bailing out. I wanted to learn, and know I can deal with things differently. My road is not done and I'm sure I will be flooded with many different emotions. Each day, is a new day to become stronger.

[seaglass71]

Thx Ms. I think I've always had a hard time with patience. I look at it as though it's been almost three months that we've been apart but 3 months might feel like minutes to her as far as the healing process goes. I had to email her yesterday to let her know that the vet called about our dog's heartworm exam. She responded with a Thank You email. It's not much, but I haven't received responses to any of my other attempts.

[techguy]

Our hearing is on 10/29. Our pre-trial is on 4/7/09.

So you have months and months until the D goes final. This is very positive for you. My C tells me all the time: It doesn't matter when the D starts, it only matters when it ends.

You have plenty of time to work on your DB. When you do have your first hearing on 10/29, I would suggest that you don't think of it as some kind of 'make or break' event. You don't need to win your wife back in one shot. Just be confident and appropriately pleasant.

Your W is trying to decide if she should communicate with you or not. It is emotionally difficult for her to communicate with you if you are a depressed wreck. If she see's you as 'balanced' and rational, it could sway her to start communicating more often down the road. That's all you need to accomplish.

Resist the urge to do something dramatic at the first hearing. It will just freak her out more.

[seaglass71]

That's good advice Tech. My Dad (she has a very special bond with him) has kept in touch with her and she has responded a bit but it's bee all light and fluffy. No talk about me at all other than that this is really hard for her and that she imagines that it's hard for him as well. I imagine she could be saying this in refernce to divorcing me. The only think I hoped to achieve at the first hearing was to say hi but that's about it. If I don't get the chance than so be it. What are your thoughts on her family's involvement?

[cotoffgard]

On her family's involvement or yours? In any case, I've been a firm believer that family should never be involved in a couple's quarrels. However, if her family is involved (in your case it sounds like her father's b*lls deep in her biz), it's only because your W allowed them to be involved, ergo they are nothing more than an extension of her. You can't treat them badly without treating her badly as well. Conversely, you can't effectively DB her without DB'ing her entire family. Believe me when I say I know how unfair this "many vs. one" scenario is, but try to picture yourself as John Rambo and use DB/DR to take them out one by one