Losing Ground but turning around

[ba065]

Hey everyone....I've been absent awhile...sorry I haven't been keeping up!

Alot has happened in the past couple months. Here is a quick update...

H moved out The first weekend in August. He moved to our vacant townhouse. He came over to our house every single day and night. It was like we were dating. He had a revelation that he was missing me...missing our life together...he loves me and wants to work on us so on August 18th he moved back home and into our bedroom. Things were going really well for about 3 weeks...when he told me that he wasn't really trying...he didn't think it was working...he had a change of heart 3 days after coming back home.

He is still seeing MOW.....only now, MOW has supposedly told her H too...evidently they are really having problems in their M now too...go figure?! For all I know she's just feeding lies to H, how can I know for sure?

Well we've had ups and downs the past month or so. H dropped a big one on me in September and told me he had been molested at age 11 by a relative...that was shocking to me and I cried for him because he has kept that bottled up for 37 years. He told one person about it after it happened...and that ended up backfiring and causing more problems..so he kept it to himself. Needless to say after much coaxing, prodding, etc. I was able to convince him to see a C. He has been to see her 3 times.

Last Sunday H moved back out of our room into our guest room. Says he is still deciding whether he wants to be married to me or not. He is still seeing MOW but says that she will not leave her H...but she still sees H...how twisted is that? He loves her and he wants to be with her...period...but it can't be....so we stay in this limbo...do the dance...

The C gave H some material about twisted thinking...which H sees himself in. Admittedly he has some very twisted views about himself, and others. His thought path is disturbed. He actually brought it home and reviewed it with me.

It seems that H has made up his mind...he wants to leave regardless of whether he can be with MOW or not...he just doesn't have the guts to make the break. He is full of guilt...he is sending mixed signals all the time.

Said Sunday night...we need to quit pretending that we're working on us and get things out in the open....attack the real issues and make some decisions....I agree...that's what I've been trying to get him to do....then this morning, he crawls into bed with me to cuddle????

I say no contact...I don't call, don't email...he calls, he emails....he says I'm clingy...I pull away and he pursues...he says I don't communicate...I try to communicate, to discuss rationally, to be objective...he shuts me down and tells me not to talk about it....

I'm tired of being wrong all the time, I'm tired of not looking at him the right way, of saying the wrong thing, of all of it!

It seems that after making baby steps all summer..watching him leave and come back..watching him really try to work on us...that now I'm right back where I was 15 months ago. He's in the house, in a separate room, playing both sides just like before. He is in C...which is a good thing, because he really does need help sorting things out...but I'm stuck and hurting and I'm really really tired.

I'm really trying to work on my GAL....I'm keeping up the PMA, praying, being still, acting as if....and I'm drained.

Hugs everyone!

BA

[AliSuddenly]

Hey BA...good to hear from you, I was thinking of you.

It must feel frustrating and like you are stuck and nothing has changed... but his confession to you was MASSIVE. You've been M to this man for how long and finally he tells you? He must have a tonne of guilt and shame over what happened to him, 11 is awfully young and men bottle things up, so I cant imagine how hard that was for him to carry around that secret for so long, no wonder you cried.

I dont see you are right back where you were, although I am sure it must feel like it. For now.. he will feel exposed.. he finally got it out, but it must feel terrifying to him that he told you, especially if his last experience of being honest didnt go well. I would treat him gently and try not to get frustrated for now? Its a testament to how close you are still that he did tell you. Do you think he has told ow?

Have you spoken to a C or a specialist support group/helpline for victims of abuse? If not, I thikn that would be very helpful in understanding the impact on your H. Thats if you still have energy left to thikn about him, as you have been on a rough ride yourself and I am sure you are exhausted.

Ali xxx

[ba065]

Ali:

I have spoken to a C about H....I also programmed in a suicide hotline number into my phone....H has threatened to harm himself on more than one occasion....but then he back peddals and acts like I'm the crazy one.

He still lies to me all the time...he admits that he does, but he doesn't stop. I quit asking questions a long time ago, because I know his answers will just be more lies. I am still most of the time...don't say much...then I get hit with one of my problems being lack of communication...I just can't win either way.

I'm glad H is seeing a C....even if she helps him sort things out enough that he decides to leave...it's not what I want, but I don't want him the way he is...he isn't the man I married...doesn't even resemble that man anymore. He can't see the forest through the trees so to speak, but he has to find his way, I can't do it for him.

I'm still standing for our M but my resolve isn't as strong. I'm detaching.

I know I'll be alright no matter what the outcome is...but I don't think H believes that and that is why he is still around...that, and being too afraid to let everyone else down (the kids, extended family etc.) He has so little self confidence and respect and he's too proud to let anyone inside to see the messed up H....always up for an Oscar!

[yellowrose]

ba

I could have written your post!!!! I went throught he same things with my h. He wanted to be home but was still involved with the ow. He moved home and out angain so many times.

My H used to say the same things as your h did. Their minds are scrambled eggs right now that is for sure.

It's good that your H is in C. When my H went to C is when things started changing ever so slowly but they changed!

Believe me I know how frustrating it can be with the back and forth with your H. Hang in there and get an exorcist!!!! LOL

Y

[forward]

Ba, I think there are a lot of positives, too. Try not to get sucked into his drama?

If you are able to GAL and not be focused on him, maybe the counseling can do its work.

[ba065]

YR and Breton: Thank you so much for you words of encouragement! I know I need to continue to GAL and not focus on H...it's so hard as you both know!

It's frustrating to say the least!

Tonight was weird...he came home late as usual....was in a great mood...took me out to dinner, came home and cuddled by the fire for about 30 minutes....then down to the workout room to "get fit".....he'll be cooler tonight...peck me on the cheek and go off to bed in his room....whatever...NO EXPECTATIONS is my motto as of late....but tonight was better than Sunday night...better than last night....don't expect too many good days in a row, they don't happen like that. I take the good with the bad and start fresh each day.

Hugs everyone....I'm slowly catching up with your posts....just know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

BA

[ba065]

Not a great day today. Found out at work that my hours are being cut....only 1 day in November...not bad....but 6 days in December....then straight across 10% thru at least February. I can even handle the 10%...but 25% in December is brutal!

Of course, H didn't take the news well at all. Here I am feeling kinda blue about the whole thing and he gets angry...not particularly at me, but I took the brunt of 2 hours of "poor me...we always get f#%$ed...life is not worth living...we will never get ahead...we never catch a break...how come everyone else manages to end up on top?...there's always suicide..."

Seriously....my whole office is taking this cut...it isn't ideal for anyone....but at least I still have a job!!!

H hates his life....he hates everything about it...except his kids, he loves his kids....only they were un-planned and he was forced to stay in his marriage for 24 years because he felt trapped because of the kids....um...ok....oh, and I heard again tonight about how I got pregnant on purpose with my 2nd one (19+ years ago) just because I thought he was going to leave me....ok...if that's what you think, then why didn't you say something about that 19 years ago?

His twisted thinking was shining through tonight....he says he is a loser...he is being punished by God for being a bad person...that's why all this negative stuff is happening....he is a liar and a cheat....he doesn't deserve to live....he will never be happy....this is who he is...why can't I accept that? That's my problem....I don't like who he is now and I can't accept it and I'm trying to change him.....that's why I always say positive things, encouraging things...because I'm trying to control his thinking...I should just listen to his feelings and walk away....he doesn't want me to brainwash him....So much for acting as if.....it's not working in my favor here.

I'm thinking of pulling farther away....being absent more...yesterday I left work early to get my hair done....he evidently called for me at work and I wasn't there...one of my gals told him I was out...he wanted to know where...she told him and he immediately called my cell....then pretended like he didn't know I wasn't at work...asked what I was doing, like he thought he'd catch me in a lie....which he didn't (I don't have anything to hide like he does)...anyway, he was checking up on me....maybe this should be my new approach....but more for me than for him. Any thoughts?

BA

[Dawn of Hope]

BA,
Has your H been evaluated by a doctor for depression? A lot of what he says sounds like me when I don't have ADs working for me(not all...for example, I'm not a liar or a cheat). I am an officially diagnosed suicidal depressive, with a history of it going back to age 13. I couldn't ever bring myself to seek treatment for it until H broke down in tears and begged me to do something to get help for it because he couldn't take it any more (this was back in 2001). I had always felt that I should be able to handle it myself by just trying to grow a new attitude...after 22 years of that not working, duh!

I'm not sure what to say about your proposed new approach. It has a lot to recommend it, but at the same time, is it possible he will feel like you are punishing him for doing the right thing (coming back home)? I don't know, maybe someone else has a more definitive idea about this. I think I might be too tired to give coherent advice right now, sorry.

Take care of yourself, BA.

Peace,
Dawn

[ba065]

Dawn:

H was on AD's for over a year up until about 6 months ago...but he didn't renew the RX. He told the doctor he didn't think he needed them anymore...so they said fine...they never did any kind of indepth checking into his sitch...H is a wonderful actor...he puts on a great show for everyone and no one but me is the wiser.

He actually was a little more upbeat and had a better outlook when he was taking them...but he didn't take them regularly an would only take about 1/2 the dose they recommended.

Thanks for your input!

BA

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((BA))))))

Keep focusing on yourself! When he lashes out, try not to bite, I think he is looking for a fight. Try not to give it to him.

From what I've been told, his way of using the AD's is a recipe for disaster. Which might explain some things.