Living with disdain (OK, I avoided the word hate)

[Bworl]

Faithful, you don't get to classify me as part of ANY crowd, let alone a "move on" crowd. I post to more people than just FIB, and my advice is not predicated upon an assumption that moving on is better than working on your marriage.

That makes your presumption about MY post flawed.

Obviously I was not suggesting that FIB had NEVER done anything unforgiving or unloving towards his wife. I do not have the benefit of knowing much about their life pre-bomb.

What I know is what he has shared in the two years I've known him on this board.

I will say that, other than the fact that he is human and has sometimes expressed his frustration, I cannot recall a time that he has been unforgiving with his wife. Or unloving.

I remember a guy who extended his wife EVERY opportunity to come BACK from her dalliances with multiple other men.

I remember a guy who carried the load at home when his wife was too busy to cook, clean, or even care for their kids. I cannot recall him throwing that up in her face on those occasions. He simply did what needed to be done.

I think what you're trying to say now is that since he has made his decision to file, he no longer is open to his wife's positives. I would ask, what are they?

The fact that she asked him to go pay for the pumpkins?

The fact that she has made dinner and offered him some?

The fact that her lawyer says she doesn't want a divorce?

The fact that at some point in time SHE said she didn't want a divorce?


Are these some of the positives?

Because I will remind you of these things as well...

The pumpkin trip brought NO conversation, NO loving involvement such as holding hands, and basically NOTHING except allowing HIM to pay for the pumpkins.

The dinners that she now makes are no more impressive than the many meals that FIB prepared during her mental and emotional abandonment. It is simply something that needs to be done. None of these meals came with a loving invitation to dinner either. Keep that in mind.

Her lawyer has said she doesn't want a divorce. Then FIB goes home to the continued cold shoulder, criticisms, and hostility. Where is the consistency there that would indicate she does NOT want a divorce.


You provide good counsel Faithful. And you're a good man, I believe that completely. I do not want this misinterpreted as an attack on YOU per se. Even you have to admit that YOUR situation was NOT the same as FIB's. Your wife wanted out, but she did not repeatedly violate your marriage vows with another. She did NOT use you to cover for her with kids so that she could meet clandestinely with another man. She did NOT spew the vitriolic hatred that FIB's wife spews on him on a regular basis.


Infidelity, especially repeated infidelity, is a strong thing to swallow. Yes, some find a way to forgive and move on, somehow finding a healing place. But I submit to you that MANY, perhaps even MOST, do not. And for those that do, a STRONG statement of commitment by the offending spouse is almost always a need before the left behind spouse can be moved to trust again.


There has been nothing like that from FIB's wife. Unless of course he's left that out somewhere.


I grieve for his situation, just like you do. We see different sides of the matter, but I think we share the hope that the pain will soon come to an end, and all the family can reach a point of healing.


No, I'm not a member of the "Ya'll should just move on!" Club.

But I'm also not afraid to believe that sometimes moving on is in the best interests of those who are being continually abused by a spouses poor behavior.


Divorce is NOT a scarlet letter. And it does NOT preclude the possibility of healing and restoration in the future. If a miracle is to come, it can still come.


You know FIB well enough to know that he is a man of character, and that he is a man who has loved his wife truly and faithfully.


Blessings,

Bill