Trying2Live-New Post #2

[AllW8SBF]

I'm with JGrind, Hope you acted out all our fantasy's of handling the OW. And in all honesty, I wish I was there and I'd blow her up for you.
And your daughter has your spunk too. It shows you may be pushed around but your going to push right back. And I think the best part you need to relish in, is the example you set for your daughter. She saw you stand up for herself, so she can stand up for herself when she is in a relationship.

I really need to look into GAL with dancing. I look at woman who are friendly and bubbly and wish I could do that but never know what to say or how to say it. Fear is a big thing for me. Like JGRIND I would not ML because he'd think I was doing it for him, there was always an excuse. Even now when I was instructed by my coach what to do, I feared being turned down so I didn't and in doing so I think I've made DH angrier.

Last night was not good for me either.
As I've stated dh and I live together even sleep in the same bed. And quite possibly could be together a while (so I thought) because we can't put the house up for at least 14-18 months till we pay some more of it off and the housing market gets better. Well dh was in a mood last night.
Not sure what caused it, maybe no sex for 2 weeks, no bites on the personal ad, or because we set boundaries (he can't flaunt a relationship in front of me, I said not chatting, no texting, no phone calls in my house - he agreed to the phone/texting and flaunting). Well Tues night was great and he was happy, well then he was supposed to meet a friend (girl - but just a friend), she cancelled and he said that's why he could never date her because he can't rely on her. Well then we are watching Jerry Maguire (he really says that move speaks of him) and he starts getting text messages. The dog who is laying by him trys to get off the couch because H is not paying attention to him he's texting, so I say hey he's just as bothered by you doing that as I am. And he's like what? I'm like well we set guidelines, I deserve respect and that is not being respectful. He's like fine I'll turn off the phone. He walks upstairs and says you just don't understand. I say all I want is respect, I'd give it to you if/when the roles are reversed. That seemed to set him off, he went to bed.
Then I put a note in his pocket - the night b4 dh did his radio show and he did great. Which gave me an opportunity to show some pride in him, so I did. I think I went overboard. I stuffed a note in his pocket for the next day that said something like you were so hot last night - love hot and wet. Compliment with a flirt.

He was cold and abrupt all day. When I get home I said pleasantries he was still cold. I took my shower and I get out and low and behold I hear him on the phone - setting up a date - or so I thought, I come out and he has a personals ad up, or what I can tell looks like one, and I hear him say I will call you when I'm on my way. He goes and showers and gets all spiffy. Comes down and says what's up with the note? It was nice and all but you never do that (all in a not happy tone). I said it was just a compliment, if you don't like flirty compliments I won't do it. He says, don't think your going to be able to start doing things you didn't before that I want and it will work this out. It won't, I know in my gut and in my heart you are not my life partner, no fault of your own, that's just it.
Then (I keep saying don't believe anything he says and only 50% of what he does) he says I looked up apts in Crystal Lake, there are some nice ones. I'm like that's nice. Then he says you know I looked up our housing value and did some figuring and we'd probably have to put our house up at $203 so we'd be like 20-30k short to pay off the debt. Well all these banks are getting help from the gov what makes it so we don't just hand over the keys to the house and say here you have it, you sold us this saying it was worth this amount and now it is less that, you screwed up - you deal with it. What prevents us from just declaring bankruptcy everyone else is.
I'm afraid he is going to get us into some serious trouble because of his anger.

I don't know where to go or what to do? We are not to tell our parents but my p's would want to know - I don't want to tell them because I want to just dissolve off this planet if this divorce goes through. Or at least just move somewhere else where no one knows me or knows I've been divorced, and disappointed my family. I've discussed this with them before and I know they are not disappointed but how can they be proud? How do they hold their head up when they talk to the friends and extended family and when asked about their daughters they say oh their both divorced, but their fine.

I non shaulantely said - basically to end the bad convo - don't you have some place to be, I don't want you to be late. Well that prompted him to ask, do you know who I was talking to, I said no and I'm not going to try and find out. He asks well what do you think it was, I said I can put 2 and 2 together, you had a profile up and you said you'd be there in a bit. He's like oh you go detective. He really wanted to dwell on that and at one point stared at me for a while so I said, why are you just staring at me, and he said I thought maybe if I stare at you long enough I'll come up with answer. He continues to say that the last 3 months have been the worst for him.

I feel like (and I think my coach today will say) he was hoping I'd stop his hurt, come up to him and touch him, maybe say its not over we can work on this. That he didn't want to go where he was going, he wanted to stay and he wanted me to make him. And just like all the other times he needed me I was just his friend.

You know where he went - I know I'm not supposed to find out but I looked when he was in the shower. He went to see an escort!
That's what he meant by it's been 2 weeks. It was 2 weeks since we had sex. And I'm thinking he must not have gotten a response to his personal or he'd hold out.

BUTTTTT, he also said that things need to change if we are going to cohabitate. He will treat me as a friend and give me respect as a friend, but he will make phone calls and chat, and text. And we need to buy a new mattress for the other bed and if he has to for his own sanity he will sleep in the other room.

Does any of this sound positive to you? Does any of this sound like I'm making leeway?

I know when he came home from his escort, he was happier, had food, and was talking alot - to himself, and when he finished eating and I didn't come watch tv with him, he went up to the computer. It sounded as though he was typing a letter vs chatting, but not sure.

So Hope, I'm right with you, I think there is no comeback from this, he insists I can't do anything to change things. Anything I do he will see it as I'm trying to get back with him, not changes for my own good, even though they are for me, but they'd benefit him or ANY other man that would come into my life. So it's a double win.

Oh I spent the time he was gone, trying to see what was out there for me as far as men's personals - and of course my husband came up as a possibility.

Please T2L speak your mind to me, nothing is too personal. And I will let you know if you over step but I doubt you will. Yell at me discipline me do whatever I need it.
I was not molested or anything as a child. Maybe a tiny bit of me grew up that sex was wrong, but I don't think enough to cause me to not be able to release when I'm intimate.

See I really been thinking about this, and like most of us we are mad that the blame "seems" to fall strictly on us. But you know part of my self worth dies because in bed and at other times dh never gave me any positive feedback. And when I'd say you need to tell me if you like this, he's like you should just know, everyone else does - basically making me feel since I don't know that I don't know what I'm doing - hurting my confidence and self worth.
I told him once I wish we'd tape our sex so he could see there is no expression on his face. Now if I said that he'd say that's because you don't do it for me.

If I don't do it for him, who could I do it for? See how self worth is CRUSHED!