Jak, It's hard to tell sometimes how things are going.
I enjoy having the puppy. He's a good companion. The only problem is that he wants to be with us all the time. He has a low tolerance for being alone at all. The dog trainer wants him to be with you all the time, but sometimes I need a break and put him in the cage. When he's with you, one has to monitor him, as he wants to chew on anything he can get into.
My W hurt her foot last weekend bumping into a door. She walks throughout the house in bare feet. She has not been able to dance, and is not expected to return to the dance floor for at least another week.
She got very upset with me last night, the trigger being that I had failed to bring an item in the from the garage that she had been waiting for for several weeks. She has these cathartic experiences every now and then. It usually involves bringing up anger and resentment about the past. There is no opportunity for a discussion. I made the decision to practice dancing with her, rather than go to bed, which is what I wanted to do.
The other theme of her rants, is that I'm not doing enough around the house. The truth is that I spend Saturday cleaning, while she sits in front of her computer. On Sunday, I do most of the cooking for the PT job, while she comes in to inspect, and at the end packs the items.
It doesn't make sense. I try to let it go. I could try to chase her vague expectations, and it would probably never be good enough.
She is able to vent and move back into connection. It's puzzling to me.
I'm not sure what to do about her rants. For awhile, I was telling her she was being mean. I suppose ideally, I should not take it personally, and let it pass, unless there is something of substance to discuss.
She does seem to be in general trying to be more pleasant to be around. She goes into episodes where she frets about money, and getting another part-time job.
The dog helps by filling in empty spaces, where each of us would be engaged in a solitary activity, and gets us out of our routines, and engaged. Instead of sitting in front of the TV alone, the puppy sits with us.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
[/quote] I'm not sure what to do about her rants. For awhile, I was telling her she was being mean. I suppose ideally, I should not take it personally, and let it pass, unless there is something of substance to discuss. [quote]
The only thing i can suggest is if you say you are sorry she feels that wayand leave ranting by going to another room. I know how hard it is not to take things personally especially after all that has happened but, I do try to be aware and adjust my thoughts.
It does sound to me like she is really trying to work things through though and that ia always good.
Glad to hear that adjusting to the dog is coming along.
Hope your W feels better soon.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
It does sound to me like she is really trying to work things through though and that ia always good.
JAK
Jak. I'm glad you think she's working thru things. It's hard for me to tell sometimes.
She had an X-ray confirm a broken toe yesterday. The orthopedist told her it will be 2-8 weeks before she will dance again. He told her that she is not to dance or walk with any pain, or risk poor healing. She ran into a door about two weeks ago, trying to quiet a barking puppy.
She was ranting about a PB & J sandwich that wasn't supposed to have the J. During the rant, she mentioned that she won't tolerate being treated poorly by me, and won't tolerate low quality sex. She says that the ball is in my court.
All I can do is listen and hopefully get more clarity as to what she's talking about. With the sexual issue, I think she's referring to a lack of foreplay. With regards to communication, I'm not sure what she's talking about. I suppose the positive frame is that she's trying to communicate her concerns to me.
I will need to give her latitiude regarding her broken toe, as I know she's frustrated about not dancing.
I'm sorry that I'm not active lately on the Piecing forum. As connection improves, more time is devoted to the R, and less time is available for helping out others on the board.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm sorry that I'm not active lately on the Piecing forum. As connection improves, more time is devoted to the R, and less time is available for helping out others on the board.
No need to be sorry CL!
I broke my toe a few weeks ago too...ouch!!! I've done it before, a few years ago, it was sore for several months. Don't know about your W, but for me, I feel the need to let my H know it hurts on occasion, but I don't expect him to drip sympathy or tip-toe (heh heh) around me. It is what it is. Nothing he can do about it beyond try not to step on it, you know?
Quote:
She was ranting about a PB & J sandwich that wasn't supposed to have the J. During the rant, she mentioned that she won't tolerate being treated poorly by me, and won't tolerate low quality sex. She says that the ball is in my court.
Okay, ranting about a PB & J sandwich is silly...but that it morphed into a rant about sex is telling. I know I'm no expert on your R, but I do sense in you an almost compulsive hesitancy to push forward regarding intimacy (which, by the way, is completely understandable, my friend). So here it is from a woman who has experienced prolonged rejection (though circumstances were a bit different): the lack of intimacy in your R wears on your W, makes her more on edge, more anxious. She is right in the comment that the ball is in your court. It's the leap of faith CL. She is crying out for romantic attention. Will you keep stepping forward?
In my experience, the lack of intimacy literally made my skin crawl at times. Once intimacy (physical, not necessarily emotional) returned, I felt much more calm and collected and better able to deal with the challenges I faced. I can't say that's what your W feels, but her comment suggests to me that she NEEDS you to step forward and take care of business.
Aud, Thanks. You've articulated my situation very well. I like your point of moving forward as a leap of faith. I'm more into calculated risks.
It's hard to switch gears after months of sleeping elsewhere. I'm now supposed to become sexual, in the manner that she wants.
The problem is she vents her various frustrations via her rants, which make me want to be distant, not sexual. However, if she's expressing this frustration. I need to address it somehow.
I think of my dance classes. There comes a point where one has to be willing to just do it, and then make adjustments along the way. As one is trying the steps, one knows intuitively what corrections to make.
My W in our dance practice, gets frustrated with me if I stop too soon. She would rather I keep trying and refining things as we go along. Dancing too, is a leap of faith.
We'll see if I can transfer these skills to the sexual arena, and take a leap of faith.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
W gets frustrated with me if I stop too soon. She would rather I keep trying and refining things as we go along.
I think if you could transfer this from the dance floor to the bedroom you would be onto a winner, and W would be less inclined to vent her frustrations out on you.
During the rant, she mentioned that she won't tolerate being treated poorly by me, and won't tolerate low quality sex. She says that the ball is in my court.
This sounds a bit like the pot calling the kettle black!
I know we hear things from your point of view, but it would make more sense if it was you saying YOU wouldn't tolerate being treated poorly. I feel like you are very kind and understanding towards your wife.
Re. the sex. If you have another opportunity can you turn that around and say that you need her to help you show you what she wants??? She likes to be the expert on the dance floor when the two of you are dancing. Can you make her feel that she's the pro in bed? I don't mean that to belittle you at all. I thought it might take some pressure off of you. You're a team. The ball just isn't in your court.
Matilda, I guess the ball's in my court to show some signs of interest. You're right though, that it will need to become a partnership in order to be worked-thru.
I don't think I'm ready to pursue sex with my W. It's only been two months of abstaining from sleeping elsewhere versus the many months where it occurred.
In order to feel sexual, one must feel connected. The connection is returning, but is not to the point where I feel a stirring to be sexual.
We went out last night to a dance venue, even with her broken toe, so she could listen to music and stay connected to the community. She had a good time, and I got to practice my dancing.
We're going to a play tonight.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hey CL--I know it's hard, connection without trust is a tricky thing, especially when your nature is to be cautious. It's okay to take your time, but important to let your W know that you are working on it, and ask her to try to understand that it's difficult for you. It's good that you're doing things to show her your regard, that you're doing more fun things together. I'm glad you're feeling progress! Have a lovely weekend.
