Trying2Live-New Post #2

[hope3343]

wow, pretty powerful, today I had a little revelation myself.

I was taking my daily walk and I started to once again obsess about OW and bitter bitter thoughts, and suddenly I started to pray. I said outloud to God, Please pray for ...., let her find a man that she could love in the light and free her from sin with adultery with my husband. Please let her see the light and release him from this unGodly affair. H is not the man for her and he is blinded but let OW see God's plan for her and end this damnation.

I actually felt at peace with this. I have spent so much time praying to God for me and H and family, I need to remember that if she loses interest it will begin to bring the prodigal home. Read about Hosea and his adultress wife.

Not bad for a Catholic girl.

Welcome to all the newbies on the thread. I had a good yoga class today and was thinking about going to the irish step group that meets over each other houses but then I would have to dance with a partner. T2L who do you dance with for salsa???

[Trying2live]

Oh my gosh you should totally do it! Take the class. You prob will have a blast! Your H would prob think it was cool and even if he didn't admit it at least he may wonder.

We just rotate partners in class. Its professional no weirdness at all.

[hope3343]

Hi just because I am bored I found a new website where you can post a picture or not a picture with a description called
cheatersexpose.com . I have a picture of the OW dressed as a witch it might make a great addition. Then I could send it to her. lol
Can you tell I do not feel like working today.
TxMom will look for your post.

[AllW8SBF]

WOW this is great thread. Hope don't you love how something as simple as a prayer can dissolve the anger away at least for a little bit.

Thanks T2L for the prayer, it's great.

As for me I waited till I was married to have sex. DH on other hand was very active. We met online. We dated for 1 1/2 yrs before getting engaged, during our engagement we split because I wouldn't give it up. He came back. I think this is as you put it I was strong and confident. But he believes I held off because of religion and I insist it was more because I didn't want to give up something I could NEVER get back to someone who would just leave.
We married, he says I'm great at bj but no passion in our sex, I dress up (it's needed for him) and we have done EVERYTHING even things I will probably go to Hell for.
3 months after marriage he was diagnosed manic depressive.
4 yrs in he had EA with a woman from Virgina(OWV) he met on line - HE CHATS ALL THE TIME.
We separated and even after all that OWV wouldn't meet dh. He just told me she said he was crazy for doing that - but they still talk and she says she regrets saying no.

He didn't come back right away after that, H slept with OW to fix pain. Then had revelation that me and the dog is where he belonged - a family. We had gone through MC and I made changes as it seemed more fixed towards me - I relied on parents too much and not him.

A one night stand in between - he worked out of town M-Th for a years time.

Then jump to now - he quit his job and was home all day everyday, depressed cause he couldn't get a job. Met OW online that lived close and started a PA. OW is in sexless marriage.

OW and H got in a little spit because he found out she was seeing some OM. Then H and I went to Vegas with my p's. OW called H and asked if we had sex, we had, so OW got upset. Causing another spit between H and OW. H got worried he was going to lose OW to OM (I know this is crazy), so the worrying weighed on him.
He broke and told me of Affair and how he's been unfaithful all his life and always will be. Says I don't deserve this, I didn't sign up for a cheating H and I'd be better off without him. Our Marriage is over.
I listened in shock. Listened more got mixed messages of marriage is over and that he would like to fix it. H tried ending it with OW. H couldn't get over OW, or how she could get over H so fast. OW kept hanging around, H would go back, back and forth back and forth.

I had said it's over (I've changed my mind since but I have not told him that) I think he knows I want to work things out but not sure.
Up until this week, H would say things that sounded like he wants to work it out BUT now it's he's moved on. He's got a profile up on yahoo personals - if you care to look - search m Algonquin IL 34-35 - his name is Chris.

He tells me EVERYTHING without me asking. He originally told me he was so picky on what he listed in his profile only 4 choices came up and none he liked. Now he says there is one but he hopes he didn't push to hard.

He is going to a counselor on Friday. I've been talking to DB coach Cheryl. She wanted me to initiate sex but he has not given me the opportunity. He's always chatting.

So what do you girls think? Messed up I know. I know where I failed and am trying to work on those things.
*Brushed things under the rug - avoid conflict didn't want to be controlling in certain ways but the irony is I was in others.
*Did everything myself - didn't ask for help
*Controlled sex so much I didn't / couldn't enjoy still don't know how - this will take a while to figure out.
*Didn't talk to anyone in public - not bubbly friendly.

Currently we are living together as roommates in the same bed, but that's it. Oh I make dinner. But WE do all the other household stuff together. And I ask for help more.

GAL - well I don't think I'm doing anything he would see as eye opening. I'm going to the gym but I love the gym so was going before but stopped for a month or so. And that is really it.
I missed church now 2 weeks in a row so I need to get back there. I was trying to join a volleyball league but they started up earlier and won't be taking new people till Jan. I love volleyball - figure I can meet people that way.

And as I said I am reading a book called 7 Days to Sex Appeal and put some of that to the test last weekend when I went down to the hotel bar we were staying at on a trip.

That's all about me.

[marisol35]

Hey all! Sorry for being so distant these days....just trying to figure things out.

T2L those prayers are awesome! I was reading the Hosea's prayer every morning before going into work for the past couple of weeks and just this week on Monday I looked at the paper and I just couldn't say it because I didn't want to pray for something I wasn't sure that I wanted. Does that make sense? I haven't said it all this week. And it's almost like I feel I am loosing faith and hope in this M. I don't want to but what else can I do when he is gone. He is with this OW every night. They are making plans, doing things, and being intimate. Its hard to get that image out of my head as I am sure it is for all of you.

T2L you are doing so great. I know this has been a tremendous battle for you and you are finally making headway with what you are doing. I am so happy for you.

I know part of this downslide for me is because I am not GALing but that even gets to me because I don't know what I can do! I don't want to start anything because I will be moving to a smaller place on Halloween day. I just feel a little lost...I will find my way.

Welcome to all of our new posters!! It's great to see the interaction with everyone.

[Trying2live]

HI Marisol!
I understand, about not knowing I was there too and that's ok too. Either way were all going to be to a recovered place if that makes sense. Nothing can steal your faith not even this, the bible says if you even have the faith of a mustard see. So you don't need big faith. But regardless of what path you choose, you are a part of us here and were always going to welcome you and want to know what your doing and how your doing, capiche?(Is that right Ms. Itialian Hope??LOL)

Don't pressure yourself in having to know what to do, when in doubt don't do anything. It's better to make a clear peace filled decision than a rushed decision out of fear.

Ok so Marisol, I really really want you to find something to GAL.
I personally think everyone should have 1 lil thing creatively that they do for themselves. I know you all know that I started salsa lessons, and hope is gonna get down with her Irish dancing-I 'd take it with you if I could. Anyways, I just looked in the city parks and rec guide and signed up there.

Find something, its really really going to help you. Painting class, piano lessons, hula dancing, Irish dancing, belly dancing(got my eye on this one next), pottery class, singing lessons, cake decorating, ballroom dancing etc. I feel like all of man kind has some creative ability since we were made in the image of God and God is creative. Take a risk, try something, who cares if you think your good at it. Your going to learn about your self and have fun and gain confidence. Don't skip this step. If you can't sign up and try something until after your move then no biggie, but after the move okay? By the way , pick anything, I best you can do so much more than you think and if not that's the point of it being a class.

Well yes it seems like I'm having progress, but I know and am aware that it can go either way and that's why I continue to GAL and 180.

[Trying2live]

Ok 1st off, your not going to hell. The bible says that Christ is the way to Heaven right? Or does it say be good and do the right thing and you'll go to heaven? NO it does not. Love Christ acept him in your heart, this is the only ways to Heaven. Bible says we are saved by grace and by works. So please, everyone stop being perfect and just be yourselves and love God. Jesus paid the price for your past present and future sins so don't worry about it. It makes walking with God so much easier and enjoyable.

Ok your right the gym thing is a part of personal health, at least to me, it should be apart of everyday life for longevity purposes. IT also burns off stress.

If at any time you feel that I am being to personal or have crossed any line, I sincerely apologize in advance and I hope you will tell me and I promise to back off.(I am an associate Pastor and have lil bits of opportunities to help out so I wanna see where your coming from)
Sounds like you struggle with fear a little? Is that correct?
Or possibly low self worth? I think your H can feel this or reads into this the way you respond or interact.
I understand about the sex thing. Here's my transparency to all my girls on this thread. Ok I had some minor sexual issues because of my childhood. I was molested as a child and so had the wrong perspective on Sex. Now i did enjoy it but my down fall was I never initiated sex, I feel bad as I'm sure that put a dent in mY H's ego. But i never ever turned him down, so he could have sex when he wanted. Anyways there is much to over come in that. So don't beat your self up.
I think as you grow and become more confident and have high self worth this is going to become irresistible and attractive prob more so than the dressing up, although that is not a bad thing to implement as well. I think GAL is going to break some fears for you. Try something creative as I mentioned to Marisol, something that is going to challenge you-NOT skill wise but in confidence. you gotta do it afraid and as you do your going to grow. Diamonds take tremendous heat to become the beautiful diamonds that they are. I think personally a dance class of your choosing might be the thing that you may be able to boost your self worth and confidence and maybe even free you up in the bed room. Hey I'm looking at belly dancing next!So what do you girls think?
YOUR QUESTIONS:
Messed up I know. I know where I failed and am trying to work on those things.
I don't believe in failure just learning, we only fail if we give up and you have not given up on yourself. So don't worry about it.

*Brushed things under the rug - avoid conflict didn't want to be controlling in certain ways but the irony is I was in others.
Wow this is good, I did the same thing, so were learning balance. I used to be about 14 years ago a rage a holic and controller, man none of ya'll would have been my friends, but then Christ came into my life and I started to get my heart healed and grew as a person. But funny thing since being a rage a holic and controller truly was not me I went far to the other way where I was afraid to say much, so now I'm learning balance as a person and to learn when to and when not to. Your right on track so no worries ok!


*Did everything myself - didn't ask for help
Now your plugged in with the coaching and with us here, so this is awesome you reaching out, it feels good huh. This is where maybe the fear and low self worth didn't allow you to reach out to others. If you don't value yourself then its hard to reach out because how we see ourselves is how we think others see us and its not true.

*Controlled sex so much I didn't / couldn't enjoy still don't know how - this will take a while to figure out.
I understand this as in the past I had much to overcome because of the molestation that occurred and the many fears I had. But this is where I think a creative GAL like a dance class is going to pull that part out of you and may transfer to bedroom and hopefully really to life. Sounds like you really haven't been living. I don't mean go nuts and head to the clubs and start dating either. I mean just enjoying and living life, does that make sense? Your gonna grow in this, no matter the outcome YOU decide you want. Time for you to start living and being free in your own skin, time for a new day for you. Lucky you, it gets to start now.

*Didn't talk to anyone in public - not bubbly friendly.
Well you go girl, you started here that took courage and I applaud you! Now with the dance class, this may help you start to interact with people. Is this something you've always long for, to be more outgoing? That's kinda just popped in my head, if I'm wrong just ditch it. LOL Well I really think this is a sad time yes but do you think that God can use a bad thing and grow you as a person and maybe that person you always longed to be. And H's definitely gonna need to see that person. Its already inside you, it just needs to be brought out.

So your 1st things is to GAL!!!!!!!!

Have you read Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley? Go get this book, I know girls you are all laughing at me right now, but it has a lot of information on adulterers. I personally would not be comfortable with reconciling with H until there was a solid plan in effect and a no contact with OW. A lot of this is covered in that book as well.
Ok ya'll I'm totally gonna stop blabbing, gotta get ready for church anyways...be back later, kinda late for you east coaster.
XOXO

[hope3343]

T2L, and others I have had the worst night since this all happened.
yes I blew it totally. I was planning on possibly going to the irish dancing tonight and then I got a call from one of my best friends in CT and she is going for an operation and have a bunch of intestines removed and there is a tumor and it looks like it is cancer. She has been a ROCK for me with all of this going on. I was so upset. I took a walk on the beach and was crying and upset.

I tried to call H to let him know because he really likes her, both phones no answer which means H is with OW. I pick up D15 and then H calls I answer and said look I don't need to talk to you now especially since you are with Ow. H says no I'm not I am on the computer. I said you are either at your apt or her house. H says no, then I start to tell him about our friend and I hear a voice in the back. I said got to go, maybe me and D will stop by.

My D15 is furious and says lets take a ride by (he lives less than a mile from our house), we see his car and then I drive around the back of the next building and her car is there. Well the 100% east coast Italian came out (T2L as you mentioned the rage-aholic which has not happened in years. We get out of the car and go up to his apt door. We hear him talking to OM and he is saying "W said either I was at OW's house or OW was here" and I hear OW say, Oh she wont do anything (that is because to date I have been TOTALLY professional at work)-- well I was not at work no more.

I knock at the door, and all goes quiet. H shuts off music and I hear someone running. So I said we came over to visit let us in. No answer. I said D is with me. Where is OW? H opens the door and he thinks that D is not there. H says noone is here, (the apt was a mess and he has a whole bar set up on the counter), H is shocked when D15 says Daddy you are a liar and I have no respect for you. I walk in the living room and H says you have to leave, OW is in the bedroom closet because I heard something fall in there.
I call out come out OW we need to talk. Does your daughters and mother know you are dating your boss and that he is married? What a fine example of a mother. Then I said how could you be paid overtime when you are taking super long lunches with your boss and spending hours everyday on your personal cell phone. I paid a private investigator very well. Then I said that is fine, H is in conference offsite tomorrow and I will be your desk to ask in a very ethical way how you could be dating my husband and he is your boss.

I leave and then I call H, he says this is all about you want me back, I said that marriage is dead I never want to go back to it. you were unhappy but I was unhappy too. But instead of working on the marriage you had an affair. I said you used to make fun of OW and said she was stupid sometimes and that you could see the plastic surgery in her face, etc. I said if you are in love with her go ahead -- spend more time with her. But if you can't take her out in public and have to hide her because you are her boss you will never be happy. This R has a black cloud all over it. Next time you look at her remember your daughters'.. Go out keep drinking, party, have your A, but when the morning comes and you look in the mirror you know what you have done.
I said more choice things, then H says he blames me that D15 came to house. I told him she wanted too. So D gets on the phone and says Dad the only one to blame is you. I hate OW, I hate what you did to our family. This is my choice. Don't blame Mom...then she texts him. Don't call me or text me. I do not respect you. I am upset with your actions and your lies. I totally blame you because of your actions.

I also sent a meeting notice to OW from my computer with the subject "ethics awareness" at your desk for 10 am tomorrow just to freak her out.

I know it is wrong and maybe there is no going back. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I was so upset about my friend and lost it but lost total control.
Well obviously it will be totally black for me. NC at all. Now OW has him all the time since H (who was a work-aholic) no longer spends all his time working since he did not get SR mgr position (which sent him into the MLC spin) and now his family has shut him down. They deserve each other.

And I was doing well. If anything in my mind thousands of times I would think of confrontation with OW, well it happened even if she never came out of the closet. At least she realizes that I am a "little nuts" so she will not be so sure of herself anymore.

I do have to say this has totally gotten over my obsession with all of this.

Tomorrow? Concentrate on my girls totally and continue to work on myself. I am totally shut down. Sorry to be such a disappointment to the board but I know we support each other- good, bad and ugly.

[Trying2live]

Hello friend, I am sorry I missed you I was at church til late.

Ok 1st thing {{breathe}} Next thing, I want you to forgive yourself, its no big deal. Yes you spoke the truth but remember they can't hear most of what you are saying through the fog. You are NOT a disappointment to the board, this is why we are here for each other. It's really no big deal. I am in no means perfect nor do I want to be because then I would not need God's grace. You're ok, capiche?

I think the ethics thing is great, I really wish you could blow the whole thing open, but I understand the circumstances. But I wonder how much she would want to be with him if everyone is looking at her like a home wrecker. I hate the fact she banks on you not doing anything to expose or bust the fantasy. We gotta figure out something to pass it around the office. Talk is talk, shoot give me a phone number I'll call and spread the rumor. LOL


D15 is fine. She is old enough to have her feelings and express them and this is what he needs to hear from her. Sometimes they can hear just a tiny bit more from the fog when their children say things to them, not a lot more just a bit. These are the repercussions that he needs to feel and bare. My DD17 did the same thing and I did not stop her. You see walkaways think ok I'll tell everyone, they will be mad for a little and then everyone will be fine. But it doesn't happen like that. It leaves a huge path of destruction. so if he's hurting because of DD15 oh well, he needs to feel some pain somewhere for the fog to lift. DD17 will go through the natural course and she has a good mom. Just keep communicating.

All is not lost, if you decide that you still want the marriage. No one is perfect and pain sometimes causes everyone to freak out. The great thing about all of us is God let's us choose what it is we want. The bible grants divorce for 2 reasons adultery and abuse. I think the greatest hope is that we all give it a shot, so that in the end IF it just doesn't work we can go forward with clear conscience. And if it does then great because then a testimony is born. So my friend you have a choice, the ball is in your court I believe what ever all of us wants at this point God is ok with it no condemnation.

If you still want your marriage, then FORGIVE your self for not being perfect and pick your self up and keep going. That simple. Remember when I did that in Sept. and asked hubby where the wh*re was and acted like and idiot. Well as soon as I hit my car I felt conviction(NOT CONDEMNATION) and I sent him a text apologizing for my bad behavior and also sent an email to be sure he got it. Guess what, he apologized too. Its whatever you want and I support it either way, but if you still want marriage then get up quickly, dust your self off and start going.

Well girls guess what tomorrow is. October 23rd, I made it to my mini goal of fighting for my marriage of 6 months. I made it to 6 months you guys! I know it sounds silly but when I was at 3 months I didn't see myself being able to have made it this long with out getting a divorce. I am to say the least proud of myself and proud of the personal growth I am experiencing daily. For all of us this is a time to grow personally if we can see the opportunity of it. That's the purpose of the 180 and GAL. I never really saw myself being able to live without my H right by my side, but I am. I am still living and little bits of joy have returned. My son's therapist said that everyone goes through adjustment disorders. That's what a lot of us are going through. But understand this, this time is an opportunity. What opportunity? To grow, to become strong, to change some bad habits, mindsets and attitudes that maybe we may not have ever done had this not happened to us, but now we have to deal with them. When we go through things God uses it, and we are in the refiners fire and all the chaff is being burned up and purified and all that will be left is the gold. I love personal growth, its painful but the results are beautiful. This is why I want and all of us to concentrate on ourselves too. Not just H.
Ok Hope if you need anything holler. Let me know what you decide on doing I support any of your choices.

I'm loving the ethics thing! work that angle and don't give her an inch! She needs to have another perspective. Personally I might go to her face and say you've got 2 options, dump the H or I may go to superiors or tell everyone in this office. Put a lil Italian fear in her.
Ok you guys, Hope needs a creative way to spread this through the office with out it looking like her.
The beauty of it is if it gets passed around on a sheet of paper just dropped on several desks it won't look like you and you can play stupid. Even if they are questioned they can deny it and you can play stupid or act devastated. Do you know where this woman's family lives? Can you send a letter to her parents?

[JGrind]

AllW8SBF,

Hey, I LOVE volleyball also! Will sign up in Jan. Too bad you're not in the STL burbs! H complained I didnt like to do anything and needed to get out more. I am shy in nature but friendly and bubbly around people I know.

I did too much also. Too co-dependent , doing everything for everybody (namely the kids). H and I were almost always at the bottom of list. I was exhausted, stressed, couldn't relax, and as a result, diagnosed with depression. I have some not so good days , but no longer will I let depression cast a shadow over me.

Im also very passive in nature. I avoided conflict whenever possible. For example, if H made rude sarcastic remarks about "not getting any" I ignored it rather than addressing it, b/c I thought if I did initiate, then he'd think I was doing it only b/c he complained. It always felt like a no win. Ironicly sex life soared after starting on Wellbutrin. Then the bomb. I guess it was too late. We didnt communicate our needs effectively. I was sorely mistaken to think a few times a month was plenty. My T said this - women need emotional intimacy for ML and men need to ML for emotionaly intimacy.

What hurts most is how hard I try to see it from H perspective, but he doesnt try to see mine. Guess he just can't see anything through that "fog".

me -36
H - 38
M 16yr
T 21yr
D11 S11(twins)
S14
IDLYA 6/18
H confessed EA and asked for D &/4
H consulted atty 5-6wk ago
still havent been "served"