Losing Ground but turning around

[ba065]

Not a great day today. Found out at work that my hours are being cut....only 1 day in November...not bad....but 6 days in December....then straight across 10% thru at least February. I can even handle the 10%...but 25% in December is brutal!

Of course, H didn't take the news well at all. Here I am feeling kinda blue about the whole thing and he gets angry...not particularly at me, but I took the brunt of 2 hours of "poor me...we always get f#%$ed...life is not worth living...we will never get ahead...we never catch a break...how come everyone else manages to end up on top?...there's always suicide..."

Seriously....my whole office is taking this cut...it isn't ideal for anyone....but at least I still have a job!!!

H hates his life....he hates everything about it...except his kids, he loves his kids....only they were un-planned and he was forced to stay in his marriage for 24 years because he felt trapped because of the kids....um...ok....oh, and I heard again tonight about how I got pregnant on purpose with my 2nd one (19+ years ago) just because I thought he was going to leave me....ok...if that's what you think, then why didn't you say something about that 19 years ago?

His twisted thinking was shining through tonight....he says he is a loser...he is being punished by God for being a bad person...that's why all this negative stuff is happening....he is a liar and a cheat....he doesn't deserve to live....he will never be happy....this is who he is...why can't I accept that? That's my problem....I don't like who he is now and I can't accept it and I'm trying to change him.....that's why I always say positive things, encouraging things...because I'm trying to control his thinking...I should just listen to his feelings and walk away....he doesn't want me to brainwash him....So much for acting as if.....it's not working in my favor here.

I'm thinking of pulling farther away....being absent more...yesterday I left work early to get my hair done....he evidently called for me at work and I wasn't there...one of my gals told him I was out...he wanted to know where...she told him and he immediately called my cell....then pretended like he didn't know I wasn't at work...asked what I was doing, like he thought he'd catch me in a lie....which he didn't (I don't have anything to hide like he does)...anyway, he was checking up on me....maybe this should be my new approach....but more for me than for him. Any thoughts?

BA