here's another reason I don't trust her: the OM left my wife to go back to his girlfriend in august and he slept with my wife (or my wife slept with him) as recent as 4 weeks ago. my wife's response "I didn't care that he was back with her. I just love having sex"
statements like this make it easy for me to put distance between us. She is clearly not 100% over him, no matter how many nasty things she says or how many things he does to her.
I have recently found emails between the two of them from when we were separated and she was cheating. things like "i love you........we're soul mates.......i love how open i can be with you" and the penultimate, a naked picture of my wife sent to his cell phone with the words "let me know what you think....can't wait to F*** you !"
talk about kicking a guy when he's down. I just found all these things this past week.
the old saying "what they don't know won't hurt them" rings true
do I feel any better now that I found them ? worse. I have to remember they were all from when her head was in the cloud of lust, and (hopefully) she is trying to be different now.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
if you're the one who cheated, and your husband says he trusts you, he most likely doesn't YET. this is where you step in, right your wrongs, bust your @$$ to turn your M around, show him you're worth one last chance.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
BC, time changes everything. We like to think that things will always stay the same. but life can always change. Whether we want it or not, and regardless of how much we work towards trying to control or change it. You can only do your best and hope for the best. That's it.
Do I "trust" my husband? At this moment in time there's nothing to indicate there is anyone else or he wants to leave. But I realize nothing is predictable. It can always happen again. It could always happen regardless of who I was married to. This website wouldn't exist if this was such a unique or uncommon occurance. Does this bother me? Not as bad as it would have in the past. I'm happy, and I know I can survive and have a great life with or without him. I'd prefer he would want to be with me, and I do want my family together for my kids sake, but I will be fine. Life is good.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Ok - As the S who had the A ,I had to, and still occasionally have to, listen to H say everything you are saying. It may of helped him but it did nothing for me. It is crushing. We are not stupid, we know what we have done and what we have given up, but what we struggle to understand is the depth of the hurt we have inflicted. I am sorry but it is really really hard to feel something you have never experianced. Given time though the remorsefulness will shine through.
If you are hammering on about it, how can you put it behind you? When can you both relax and start building happy times again?
How long do you think you are going to need to keep on about it?
She cannot relax in your company , if her defences are up. Once you stop perhaps she will have a chance to self reflect and really feel the pain and remorse.
I was being sarcastic , sorry, when I said, do you say it nicely. There is no nice way.
You cannot improve your situation until you are ready to forgive and let it go.
>>How long do you think you are going to need to keep on about it?<<
Max, it really can take a long time for some people. My H's first affair took me 5 years to work through (and that one was mostly an EA!!!) But I agree with you that blame and anger make it very difficult to reconcile and begin creating a new realtionship. Also, not working out those emotions in a healthy manner can poison the new relationship...
However, the level of hurt, pain and anger can be unbeliavable. It's not something easily let go of. Can take a lot of time. BC.... try to keep in mind it does take time. Also, it might not be a bad idea for you individually to see a therapist (someone pro-marriage) who you can talk this stuff out with. It may help you release some of the bile (figureatively speaking). Stuff like this is always worth the cost, particularly if it can save you from the bigger cost of a D.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
My H's first affair took me 5 years to work through
If I assume he had subsequent affairs - do you think that if you had resolved your issues quicker , then you may of started building a stronger R quicker ? Less pain and damages inflicted. We see our spouses pain in there eyes every day.
Apologies if my assumption is wrong.
As the spouse who had A, I can say that, it was not the length of time that brought me to my senses ( and we were/are years into this ), it was H deciding to GAL without me. I wonder if he had made a firm stand with me from the beginning, that we would not of then inflicted upon ourselves the built up resentment, hurtful words and actions which have all taken chinks out of our M ! Making each passing day more differcult to imagine how we can come back from this nightmare !
How long do I give my wife to decide whether she wants to come back ? Tomorrow will be 3 weeks. I'm really at the point where it's good either way, I've met other people and don't feel the need to be around her or worry about what she thinks. Keep in mind she will hold my hand, ask me to do things with her and say she misses me
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
BC, Until she files for D and the D is final.... then when your child is 17 you can file.
Max, I think if I had resolved my feelings much earlier we would have had a better chance of allowing the R to grow stronger. I had a lot of anger. It took me a long time to work that out and during that time I did take out some of it on my H and blame him, and I think this did hurt in the rebuilding. Although, we were both quite young and immature at the time so there were other factors making rebuilding difficult.
I think I also had this some type of misguided assumption that if I warned him about the consequences, or bought it up, maybe it wouldn't happen again.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
My H received confirmation of my A in April . He lived outside of family home. He returned in May and then left again at end of July. How long can i expect him to be in pain? does it get easier? is it space ?
I ask the same questions over and over to this site. Think i am looking for a miracle.
