Anybody out there? I've been having a really hard time since I received my paperwork in the mail on Saturday. I'm starting to feel hopeless. Any suggestions?
Hey SG71. So sorry to hear about the turn of events. I'm not going to pontificate about why you should or shouldn't feel hopeless. The sitch sux for sure. Don't fight it...feel it...get it all out of your system.
I've got two suggestions:
Try and separate the D process from your DB process. D is nothing more than business...period. Protect yourself and your interests as best as you and your L can. There are no emotions in the act of divorcing, just a bunch of negotiations and paper-pushing. It's how you react to the D process that can increase or lessen your odds at successfully busting this D.
Get your mind off of this D. The more you obsess over it, the worse it becomes. Take a long walk to somewhere (or nowhere!)...hit the gym...go out with friends...anything to occupy the time you spend fretting over your sitch. Minimize the time you spend magnifying the issue lest you risk starting a fire you can't put out.
I'm not sure how others here on this board would feel about this, but what if you wrote an apology letter? My therapist and a few people on this board thought it was a good idea for me to send my WAW one. I'm not sure what effect this might have since my WAW didn't respond to the email, but sometimes the most powerful thing you can say to someone is "I am sorry", especially if you've never been the one to capitulate in an argument. Think of it as a 180 if you will. Be warned, however, that you need to carefully craft your apology letter in a manner where it doesn't come off as pursuing. Neither should it be a letter explaining why you did what you did...just a heartfelt apology and validation of the hurt she's feeling.
Here's the final version of my apology letter (I think) if you're curious. In time the anxiety and frustration will subside, and it definitely helps if you do things to reward yourself for being courageous and strong through this entire ordeal. Hang in there buddy!
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
Great to hear from you again COG. I actually sent her a similar email yesterday. I told her how I feel. I told her how sorry I was for my actions and for the hurt that I brought her and how this experience has taught me the importance of forgiveness, trust and humility. It was a brief but to the point email. I'm kicking myself because I forgot to put anything in there about losing my best friend as well. I haven't received a response. I suppose no news is better than getting a message back telling me not to contact her??? You're right about obsessing about the divorce. I feel like walking into that courtroom is liking being on deathrow. Did you ever send your letter?
Yes, I sent my letter via email (which is the only vehicle of communication I have with her...I think). No response thus far, but I have faith that she has read it. Perhaps I've planted seeds of doubt, and it's only a matter of time before the sprout breaks through the surface of the soil.
Others have told me not to have any expectations, and that's what I'm trying fiendishly to do. Some days I'm successful at it, other days I want to put my fists through the wall. Trick is to understand that this apology letter is actually more for your peace of mind than hers, so if she never responds to your apology, then no sweat...you did what you did for you.
I've been in a standstill for about a month after I filed my response to her initial D filing. I guess no news is good news for me, but in some sick way I envy you a bit since you'll at least get to physically be in the same room as you W during the hearing. If roles were reversed, at the hearing, I'd put on an Oscar-worthy performance and act "as if", radiate PMA as much as I can without being transparently fake, smile throughout the meeting. I'd do it just to shake her up and any of her preconceived notions of how this D is affecting me. Gotta keep her guessing...be mysterious, y'know?
Use every face-to-face opportunity you have to DB your friggin' @ss off! Let's face it, DB & DR was designed to be most successful for couples who are on the verge of S or D where there's daily interactions to DB effectively. For people like us, DB & DR only increases our odds (marginally) at busting the D. However, the books have helped me tremendously in many other ways (understanding, diagnosing, coping, GAL'ing, etc.) that I am not in the least deterred from my efforts.
Don't give up hope! I haven't. Divorce is just a formality, but in no way, shape or form is it finality.
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
Do you know when your hearing is? My problem is that I think about all of the hurt that I brought her. I think of the shock that she must have felt. That's the part that kills me. I feel like if I show no remorse when I see her then her family will use that as fodder to say "look he hurt you and he doesn't care."
We haven't even gone through the discovery phase yet, so I'm counting my lucky stars. Our case is almost a slam dunk since we don't have children or real estate (renting since we moved to SoCal...was going to wait out the market to buy at the bottom), so a court hearing might not even be necessary.
For your hearing, I'm not suggesting that you not show remorse but for you to appear humble yet upbeat, as if you've come to terms with D as the final outcome, as if you're moving on with your life and are at peace with her decision. You've already apologized countless times, so you don't have to walk in there with your tail between your legs. Remember, the D hearing is business. She's probably expecting you to come to table with some type of emotion, so the cooler and calmer, the better. Don't give her what she expects.
I've beaten myself up to an emotional bloody pulp the first month after she ran away + filed for D for all of my "contributions" to the failed M. Shortly after, I started comparing my sitch to couples who split because of much worse offenses like physical abuse, drugs, alcohol, etc. and pondered, "Am I really such an evil person who deserves such punishment? Did the time fit the crime?". Regardless of what the answers truly end up to be, I guess I was searching for a way to forgive myself, and I think that's what you need to be searching for as well. From what I recall, your dalliances were EA's at worst and didn't progress to PA's, so be proud/relieved about that. Also, all of the typical DAM stuff (controlling behavior, lack of communication, etc.) were not because you intended to inflict harm. Rather, it was because you were ill-equpiped to show her how much you loved her the way she wanted you to.
In the end, neither one of you are bad people, just bad communicators who let things escalate to unmanageable levels.
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
I got home tonight and ther ewas a leeter in my mailbox from the trial courts. Our hearing is on 10/29. Our pre-trial is on 4/7/09. My "dalliances" were EA's never PA's so I am happy that they never got to that point. What does DAM mean? I'm not aware of any controlling behavior. Definitely a lack of communication though. I need to keep reminding myself that I can't change the past. Any advice on how to cope with all of the good thoughts (memories) that keep flooding my mind? I've been doing nothing but sobbing for the last 4 days. I saw my neighbor tonight and she told me that when she saw my W a couple of weeks ago, she had told her that she loves me so much????
Goldeylox!!! Too late. I had already sent it yesterday in a moment of desparation. As I figured, I didn't get a response. I'm so torn. I feel like by doing nothing, I'm not trying. PLease. Somebody set me straight....
Hi seaglass71, I'm very sorry to hear of your bad news. I went on the online public records tonight & found out my H filed for D on 10/10. So I'm expecting papers anytime. COT has given you some good advise. I struggle with the same thoughts you do about remembering the good times ... & it's hard. My advise would be to stay strong & confident. Remember it is not over yet and getting D doesn't means it over. Chin up!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
I went on the online public records tonight & found out my H filed for D on 10/10. So I'm expecting papers anytime. COT has given you some good advise. I struggle with the same thoughts you do about remembering the good times ... & it's hard. My advise would be to stay strong & confident. Remember it is not over yet and getting D doesn't means it over. Chin up!