Mixed Signals or Just My Imagination ?

[goldeylox]

native, I'm thinking of you. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing. D5 needs a superhero, and guess what buddy, it's you. Peace.

[native]

I am under a great deal of stress right now. I have gone back and forth between anger, regret, compassion, feeling sorry for W and back to anger again.

But I keep the anger in check around her. Early on, when the crap hit the fan, our counselor told me that I had to stop reacting to her. I took that to heart and it has been difficult to control myself in the face of what seems to be irrational and dangerous behaviour, but it has gotten easier.

It is almost as if I am able to step back now and just watch the tragedy unfold with W. It is like watching a crash in slow motion.

But it doesn't seem to matter how far back I step, I end up being the one to blame.

It seems that no matter what I do, I will be the enemy in her mind.

Tonight she accused me of trying to control her because I am not ready to put our house up on the market at a price that will loose $35K in equity and leave us with 40K in credit card debt to split.

Just so she can be financially free.

And frankly, she just signed a lease and moved in (her b paid deposit and 1st mo. rent) without any means of paying the monthly rent, because she heard what she wanted to hear, and did not read or understand the signifigance of the financial info I sent her, so she's freaking out.

Even if I gave her the $600/mo. she thinks she should get (which I might, if I can), she would barely be able to pay her rent on this place she just got. Much less utilities and food.

But it is just one more example of her poorly thought-out, emotionally reactive choices that have caused us to have to make drastic choices in the past.

I for one am looking forward to being off the roller coaster with her, but I dont want to be saddled with debt that we may be able to wipe away by the sale of our house if we just have a little patience.

I would even be willing to help her out with her rent, because fortunatly I have a good amount of work for the forseable future, but she keeps ratcheting up the emotion and the accusation and the generally bad decision making. So, what do I do ? Give her enough rope to hang herself ?

[native]

'native, I'm thinking of you. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing. D5 needs a superhero, and guess what buddy, it's you. Peace.'

Sometimes it is hard to know what the right thing to do is. I really hope I am doing the right thing.

It is so confusing sometimes.

I've been trying to protect our D since she was 2 yo, and I realized W was pulling back from her. I have tried to be both mother and father to her.

I believe that somewhere, deep inside, the woman that I met and fell in love with is still there, but I am seeing less and less of that....

I am really having doubts that we will ever be able to make our R work.

I am trying to be D's superhero. She is the most wonderful ray of sunshine to me.

Today when I picked her up from afterschool and told her she was going to stay with Mommy in her new house, D groaned.

She knows I have much more patience with her and Mommy has the 'Grumpies'.

Later at W's house, W accuses me of being too lenient with D and says D is demanding*, which is a problem, but one that needs to be handled with patience and good examples.

*(But not nearly as much as W is however ;))

[native]

Breakaway,

I think you may have misunderstood what I was trying to say about her never forgetting.

'And say a little sharply that she's never going to forget that. Well. No. I doubt she will.'

I was saying how, because of her excellent memory for all the times I mispoke or she thought I did, tragically she will never forgive or forget those words which I regretted shortly after I said them.

At the moment it seemed like the only way to get control over a rapidly deteriorating situation in which she escalates regardless of what I do or say. It felt good to be able to do something other than to be her punching bag for a moment.

[native]

After tonight's quarrel over $$$ and the fact that she obligated herself to rent and debts beyond what she can pay*, and her accusation of 'unfairness', my friend suggested I go dark.

We discussed what it really might look like. He suggested 'dropping the rope' which scares me to death. I am worried if I let go, then it will truly be over.

In fact, if I don't help her out and she doesn't take a roommate, she will lose the apt. I don't know what to do....any thoughts ?

*I sent her some financial info about our present debts and I am paying more on our shared obligations than she is on our mortgage (the bank won't let her out of the automatic draft. Because of this, I am paying all our shared debt, and she is paying the mortgate of $1400. This was supposed to be equitable, in fact, she thought that shared debt came to $800, but I sent her info a month ago (before lease) that clearly showed that it would easily be at least $1200+/mo. In fact, it ended up being about $1700 for Sept.that I paid.

[native]

Thanks Goldylox and Breakaway....

I need all the angels I can get right now !

[breakaway]

Hang on, native.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I am just at a loss sometimes when I hear some of these WAW stories, even though I almost was one. And some days I'm still not sure. But so many stories on this board of W's freaking out and going off to live somewhere when they don't have a prayer of making it financially, etc...and just coming and going and still acting half married. Well some of the WAH's seem to act half married too, just in other ways. I was prepared (in my mind) to live with nothing but a card table and a folding chair, as long as I could do whatever I wanted with the table and chair. I think I'd have rather gone on food stamps than deal with H. But I figured out I have to deal with H no matter what because of the kids.

Anyway...no great advice, sorry. Just a vote of support for ya.

I can't remember who I recommended this book to, but you might read Adult Children of Abusive Parents. Just to try to understand her better. I see signs of it. It's a short book.

[native]

BW,
"I can't remember who I recommended this book to, but you might read Adult Children of Abusive Parents. Just to try to understand her better. I see signs of it."

Oh yeah, the signs are there. I was about to say a few things about her M in regards to this but I know from experience its not a wise thing. Best save it for a counselling session. If my W ever finds and reads what I have written here, I am sure it would upset her as well. Thanks for the recommendation.

The need for ownership and freedom within a marriage is real. I just have no idea how to practically attain it so both parties feel like they have some say so.

Dr. Harley talks about the principle of joint agreement, where nothing is done unless both spouses willingly agree on it. It is very interesting.

A marriage, by its nature, is a situation where one person's choices will affect the other person's life and to some degree, choices. There is some voluntary loss of freedom on both parts, but at the same time, there needs to be recognition that each person is an individual in the R with differing needs and wants at times, and allowance should be made as long as it does not harm the other or the R.

Along with the voluntary loss of freedom is the gain of a new entity,the relationship, which is much harder to maintain or grow, but the rewards are that much richer when successfull.

I was ready to put some of my 'freedom' aside to explore the world of marriage. My W has bemoaned the fact that she got married so young, she never felt she ever had anything of her own. She misses the rewards of being independent, which she probobly needed in order to make it to the next stage of interdependency. So I understand it, but it hurts nonetheless.

That's my feeling on it at least.

[native]

So, W has gotten financial info, called me, but wasn't freaking out. The other night she was saying how it wasn't fair that there was no more $$$ after I paid the common expenses.

I had also e-mailed her with about 3-4 ideas on how she could come up with extra $$$ to cover her expenses, including offering to pay 1/2 of afterschool (though she had been planning to pay for it all previously).

So, for now, I feel like I dodged the bullet. I always seem to be the bad guy lately.

I also 'dropped the rope' in one of the e-mails. Basically said I didn't see how this R could work out, etc. I am also going dark, but I will help her if asked. Only, I will not hang out at her place after doing whatever I need to do.

Is this the way I should handle this ?

Though b4 she would have loved to have the attention, it seems she gets irritated by my presence if I am around her too long.

Or if I try to help too much.

So I feel like my absence is what is needed now.

[native]

Well, I spoke too soon. W freakin' out hardcore about $$$, and made accusations of me lying to her re: how much credit card expenditures would be.

Basically she is paying the mortgage for our house (bank won't let her off the autodraft) until we sell it.

I was going to pay the other expenses we had in common, mainly credit cards.

I had told her the credit cards were about $800/mo. but that there were other expenses we had in common that I did not have figs. for.

Later, I sent her an e-mail with costs of about $1300 ave./mo for me, but she never read it. That would have given her $100/mo.from me.

Then she goes and signs a lease for $800/mo., after I found a place she could have stayed for free.

Then she starts looking to borrow $$ from the State Employees Credit Union to buy a used Beemer. ( @14k)

I am scratching my head and waiting for reality to hit.

Eventually she scraps the idea of buying the beemer.

Well, I had thought I dodged a bullet about the $$ issue after I had given her some ideas on how to squeeze $$ out of her paycheck.

But no. Tonight she accused me of lying to her about the amount of the credit cards, and accused me of gloating about her financial predicament. She can't buy food, pay for rent, gas, electric....etc.....

I offered to transfer $100 immediatly to buy food and reassured her we can work the financial stuff out. She says that reconcilliation is off. I said, I already know that.

She insists I sell the house, right now. At a $35k loss. Which could pay most of our credit card debts off, if we sold it for what it appraises for ( $220K )

I am not willing to shoot myself in the foot financially. There is no payoff for me. She is not saying: I will come back if you do this, or I will be nice if you do this. House is a shambles since she just moved out. Needs some work to show well. If we sell it for $185 we lose $35K equity and retain $40k in credit cards. The credit cards could be mostly wiped out if we could get $220, but that will take more time (Spring) and a lot of cleaning, organizing, and finished projects.

None of which can I expect her to help me with. I have also been working almost every Sat. for the last two months to take care of all our expenses. ( and she accuses me of wanting to work in Saturdays, but in fact I need to make hay while the sun shines in my line of work. I need a vacation !!!!

I actually got up and said the conversation is over if you want to bash and accuse me. Got all the way to the car and she came out, called me back in. I could see how hard it was for her to treat me in a civil manner, but I will not sit there and take her mistreatment anymore. If she chooses to be civil I will stay and talk and we can work out the financial thing.

If she goes crazy and treats me like sh*t I will get up and leave.

Honestly, I don't know the person I am dealing with. Its like an 'alien' or something worse.