Hi faith! Thanks for posting on my thread! That all sounds good. You're supposed to do what works and it sounds like the disconnecting is working for you so keep that up! I love all of Sandi's suggestions btw. I feel so bad that I was doing almost all of the stuff you shouldn't do before I got here. The following, the ILY's, I mean everything I shouldn't have!
Staying positive is really good and I think the biggest challenge. I also like to read a lot of positive type books and that helps me too. Keep posting here too if that helps. I post when I'm having good days and bad, and the people here are wonderful! Karen
Hi Faithrunner, I would suggest going over to T2L post 2...she posted great advice today and it is all encouraging. I have been down and it really helped me get through the day and have some successful Dbing going on.
We have to "drop that rope" and stop worrying about OW and stay focused on fighting for our marriage.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
So tonight I saw H for about 30 seconds, and I really missed him.
He had offered to watch the kids, so I went out with my brother and his wife. My bro and I are tight, and I love my SIL, so we had a blast-happy hour, dinner, etc.
I had gone dim all day, as usual, and H called me at the end of the day to say he had picked up the kids and have fun tonight. I said see you later and bye. He never asked for details of what I was doing and I didn't offer any.
I debated over calling to let him know that I was on my way home or just come home without calling (like he does) and possibly catch him on the phone with OW. I'm really trying to live in peace and not focus on OW, so I decided to call so that he would know I was on my way. After the snooping I have realized that the extra info only hurts me, and I don't want that. So, I get home and he is sleeping on the couch watching the history channel, which is a typical activity for him. I'm a little relieved for a no-drama situation. He wakes up, chats about the kids' evening and our two oldest come to their bedroom door and ask me to tuck them in. After that, he says he's going to go, tells me he did the laundry and made the bottles, then leaves.
I was buzzin a little from happy hour and didn't get the chance to really thank him for doing the chores or watching the kids. He left so fast! I was bummed about that. He did look tired and he does have a 45 min drive, but still. I'll have to remember to mention it tomorrow. Besides, T2L had me all pumped to meet his admiration needs, and I never got the chance! (see her thread for details).
I was also a little sad that for the first time he never asked for details of who I went out with, or where, or any other details. I was calm and cool the whole time, but I missed his curiosity. He has no idea what I did tonight, and that didn't see to bother him at all. That stinks. I hope that's not a permanent trend.
Thanks to all who have let me vent!
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
Faithrunner, so is your H not in the house with you? I gathered by reading what you were saying that he has moved out.
I want to respond to yours and Hope's post, but it is late and I only got about three hours sleep last night. Got to get in bed or I won't make it tomorrow. I do want to talk more to both of you. Until then, take care. You are doing fine, so far.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Looking forward to hearing from you Sandi2...sleep well
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Thanks for checking in, Sandi. Yes, he is sleeping at an army base nearby (45 min drive) at their visiting officers quarters, because he deploys to Iraq mid december and so couldn't get a more permanent living situation in an apartment for the two months left. For the first separation he did have his own apartment and we moved him out of there when he came home in August and he cancelled the lease.
He called me this morning to see how the kids did at school drop off (typical activity) and said he would have slept on the couch if I hadn't called to wake him up. He asked if I had fun last night, and I said I did, gave him a couple details but left it vague about having a great time with my brother, his wife, and my brother's friends. I said I didn't get the chance to properly thank him for making the bottles and doing the laundry. He said, "Yes you did, you were perfect." I liked his choice of words, but don't know if they mean anything. He outlined his day and said he would call me later. So that's my scoop so far:) Hope, I hope you're having a good day!
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
Faith, good morning, sounds that you are DBing. Question do you know who your H is having an EA/PA with and how long has it been going on? At least he is commited to the kids which is a good start and gives you much opportunity to DB on a regular basis. Need to get "surviving an affair" and take the quiz at the back of the book to see what HIS top needs are and then use your DBing to plan around these. Next couple of days will not be bad here because H is at offsite conference and I did not go. I am working on dropping the rope and letting go. It is very difficult and I think others made a good point the more we snoop the more we obsess. I cannot control their A but I can control myself. I have been working on myself every day. Walking every night, joined a gym, doing yoga -- I do not have much of a social life here because I do not know alot of people outside of work which makes it difficult. How long is your H going to be away? It might give H time to miss you and maybe the OW will slowly fade away since she probably will not wait. good luck
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Yes, I know generally who the EA is with, although I have never met her. I know a lot of details about how their friendship developed b/c H is very honest about it in a weird way. When he came home in August he wanted me to know "everything", so he told me how they met, how they started by talking about their parents (alcoholics), she recommended al-anon to him. Then, they started talking about their marriages. Her H is military and had been deployed for 18 months at a time twice in recent years, they grew apart, and separated this summer. H told OW in June they needed to stop talking to eachother b/c he was trying to work on his marriage and they couldn't be friends for our marriage to work (that is what he told me verbatim). She agreed and bowed out. He didn't tell her he had feelings for her until the end of Sept, just before he left again. He hadn't been in contact with her again until that point. He told her that he wanted to start their friendship again, she told him she had feelings for him also and would like to start their contact as well. She used to work at the same place, but does not any longer, so they don't have daily face-to-face contact like they had in the past.
H told me it's not about looks (I saw her picture in her emails, so I know this is true), it's that she gives him a sense of comfort (I said like the mom he never had, he said maybe. She is 10yrs older) and is probably the only friend he has ever had, per him. That was deep in the crazy talk, don't believe what you hear stage.
Up until this week, I had been checking our bank accounts and he had no charges for dinners, or any other outings. Not even atm withdrawls. All activity on the accounts was normal, even CC. So, I think this is still in the EA stage, mainly through conversation.
He is extremely committed to the kids, which is great. And, I know she doesn't totally get that. She has no kids of her own and one of the emails I read from her written last Friday said,"are you going to be gone from my life during all daylight hours this weekend, too?" That's the last I know b/c I am committed to no more snooping!
My concern is that she will remain through the deployment (three months) b/c she has done it before for her own H, and b/c they have lasted this long on conversation. Plus, it's only been a month since they acknowledged their feelings for eachother. He told me the night he left (not a good conversation) that he would absolutely be talking to her while he was gone.
Don't get me wrong, I would love, love, love for you to be right, Hope! I hope she does realize that he will never disconnect from his kids and be 100% hers. Also, I feel like he could be doing lots with the kids on his own if he wanted to-but he initiates discussion of the weekends and it's been all "us" stuff. There has to be a reason for that, even if he isn't aware of it yet (crossing fingers).
Anyway, I am so proud of you that you are doing good things for yourself each day. I think for you and I "dropping the rope" should be our motto. "How are you today?" "Good, just doing the DTR thing!" Let's fly above their madness as much as possible. I'm glad you have a little breather at work. I will absolutely get that book!
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
Hi faithrunner and hope3343, well I'm back and I had a pretty good day, but am tired and I'm going to try to discipline myself to not stay on the board a long time tonight. I wanted to say something regarding "dropping the rope". I can't remember which one of you used the term (maybe more than once) that made me wonder if you realized that was the very last straw to use in DBing. When you drop the rope, that means you are through trying to fight for the M to work, and you are through trying to make him see what a wonderful person you are and what a lucky man he is to have you and what a fool he would be to give all that up. It means that you are completely turning him lose and moving on with your life. A lot of women even go see a lawyer or some even file for D. But, I hope that you will just work on detaching, first, before you feel it is time to "drop the rope" and let him go. As I said, it is the last straw and although some WAS's have said that is what shook some sense into them.....it doesn't work that way on everyone, so be sure you are ready to let him go on without you when you make that step. It is a big risk and that is why it should be used only when all else has failed.
Faith, I really think you stand a very good chance in your H coming to his senses, but it will take some time. I do think he is being fed something emotionally that he needs from this older woman.......and believe me, her ego is sure being fed by a younger man being interested in her! He is right, looks seldom play a part in these affairs, but the two of you have a history together where the two of them don't. That is a lot to think about. However, don't be surprised if he doesn't try to rewrite some of that history, if he is in MLC.
I hope you will do your best to follow the do's and don'ts of DBing I gave you and really work toward becoming a more fun person and just generally improve your personality and attractivness the best you can. We never reach a point that we couldn't use a little improvement, but it needs to be for you.....not a ploy to get him back.....or it won't stick and you will find yourself in this mess again. The time he will be away from you will be hard, but by the time he comes back home, hopefully the affair will have run its course and he will be through this "crises" and ready to be the H you have always loved. As you keep contact with him, you will need to be careful not to pour your heart out to him out of your lonliness. Again, that is why you need to fill your life up with other things to do. He doesn't want a "poor, pitiful, me" wife writing to him. (Not that you would....just making a point.)
Hope3343, you certainly have a "challenge" to say the least! However, I get the impression you cam be a strong willed person and you can handle this b/c you know what is at stake here. The fact that you have to see this OW at the office is terrible, but we females know how to get the man we want, don't we? Sure, we do! We outshine the OW!! You can do this. You can be more attractive in your looks and your behavior than the OW and that is what your H needs to see in your actions and hear in your voice and certainly see in your sex appeal. Be careful and don't allow the OW to bring out the worst in you. That is our problem a lot of times. We are mad at her, and what the two of them are doing, but it makes us look awful and she comes out looking like a peach. So, don't allow that to happen. I know you have a fighting spirit, but you can fight in a way that only women understand (lol). Seriously, that is the best way......to be the better woman and if your H is too blind to see it.....then it is his loss and he will forever regret that mistake! Go to work, girlfriend. You can do this!
Both of you take good care. Eat a good diet, sleep plenty of hours and exercise (especially) to keep the stress and frustration from showing up on you.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That all sounds good. You're supposed to do what works and it sounds like the disconnecting is working for you so keep that up! I love all of Sandi's suggestions btw. I feel so bad that I was doing almost all of the stuff you shouldn't do before I got here. The following, the ILY's, I mean everything I shouldn't have!