OP is right I think during those 2 days there should be very limited contact even via IM/email. It will give you something to chat about on the car ride besides R talk...you can discuss what you have been up to the last few days.
And I too heard the 'It will never work out, you are a great person speech'
I am staying with a friend tonight and it is sooo nice.
She and her fiance keep pouring me wine, and it's just a lovely night in general. We have plans tomorrow night already to go to dinner.
In terms of IM, H and I are on the same program that I use for work, so I cannot block him without it being obvious. I can keep from contacting him proactively of course.
Thanks for saying that you have heard the it won't work out speech. It was just such a major shock to me as I hadn't yet heard this...
Now, I am feeling pretty good, but I am trying not to think about exactly what kind of things H is going to throw at me over the next couple of days...
A few details I didn't mention were around the weird things H said on I'm today...
He said he felt like the walls were closing in on him, and he wanted to cry...SO weird as I have given him SO much space!
Anyway, happy that I have my mini-support network here :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Glad you are having a good time at your friends house!! LoL. Wow, I think that it is just another reason you should not take the things that your H is saying personl is he definalty going through alot of things mentally right now and you are the closest person to him so you are the one getting the 'lashings'.
Glad that we can be your support network!! I am so happy to have you guys here too!!!
I'm sorry that things still are up in the air for you. At least things are moving in a more positive direction right now. The fact that he wants to spend time together on the weekend is a very good sign IMO.
I think you are doing the right thing by being with your friends right now. It will certainly help you PMA and hopefully prepare you for the weekend.
If possible try to avoid R talks even though he is bound to bring it up. He needs to learn not to bombard you 24/7 with his emotional crap. He wants to be alone. . .then he needs to learn to process things without "dumping" on you. I don't know how he will learn this unless you just make it very clear that you are simply not interested in discussing things and if he pushes it past that point I would go "dark" again at a friends house for a couple of days. It sounds kind of childish but he has to learn somehow.
I hope you had a good nights sleep, I'm sure your body and mind need it!
Hang in there honey! We are all here for you anytime!
Even though you are on the same IM network- I do think you should just tell him that you need a break. He is babbling via the computer!
The way your H is up and down and back and forth really makes me think that he is having mental issues- whether it be depression or bipolar disorder, or someother spectrum. Really bright, driven people seem to be overrepresented- which I would guess your H might be?
When you said... "He said he felt like the walls were closing in on him, and he wanted to cry...SO weird as I have given him SO much space!"
I don't think the walls closing in have anything to do with how much space you are giving him... they are the walls of his mind.
These were problems I had in my M too- H has bipolar/manic/depression issues. When things are bad- ain't nothing gonna make it right- and he felt I was making it wrong. When things were good we got a reprieve... But he wasn't (isn't) dealing with the underlying issues of his mental health- but he seems to be in a good phase- hence our R is getting better.
I guess what I am trying to say is that with all the wacky things you are telling us about your H- it seems he is a bit unstable mentally. And this is making you unstable because you have to dodge every ball he throws. A lot of them are hitting you directly. A few more just might take you out.
Just remember to limit your time- focus on the positives- let them happen and don't push them. I think when your S is suffering like this they can be pushed away. It is better that you back off.
Oh- and I read happy_again's threads... very insightful...should be required reading on this site...
stay strong!
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
This morning feeling a bit hungover sadly...glad that I was able to have a somewhat normal night, though it's still not the same as being home. Nonetheless, if this is what could save our marriage, it is worth every moment.
Daisy--yes I DEFINITELY want to avoid R talk at all costs. So far (well meaning yesterday) by changing the subject and/or just agreeing with him, it's worked decently well on IM anyway. I'm more concerned about the in-person time coming up. I know I shouldn't tell him not to talk about things, but I will do my best to create a positive atmosphere between us, and to give space at every opportunity so that maybe he doesn't feel the need to bring things up.
Opt--I do believe that H has some major depression issues, even though he says he isn't depressed anymore. I think he is still seeing a psychotherapist, so this is a good thing. He is also painting, and working out every day. Personally I would like to see him on medication, but this is not something I can say to him, especially since he thinks he is not depressed. Glad you read happy_again's threads. I also think they should be required reading. Reading them I felt like it was my H talking. The good thing of course is watching him come around!
Will post later if something interesting comes up...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hey ITH, It struck me that you are early on in this process, if it startd in April. My ex dropped the first bomb end August and again early September... but it took him till March to admit that he had seen his GP and had depression (whereas he had denied it categorically July - Christmas). Back in August - Christmas, he said the same things, the walls are closing in, I feel like my heads exploding, I just want to be on my own, I need space and time, I dont think we have a future together...
Things really changed around for us, after NC January, he gradually became more and more in touch until we were spending whole weekends together by June/July. Of course, as soon as ow was available (I assume), he was off, so I lost him.
I am still suspicious that there is an ow or that he has had had feelins/fancies someone else as thats what causes their terrible conflict and guilt. Although the ow can still just be a symptom of the underlying pychological changes that are going on in them.
Just wanted to say, its early days and he needs to go through this crisis point before things may level out. Especially if he is having his Pluto square Pluto now (being 35) in which case, this could take a couple of years start to finish (and it must have started before he said anything to yuo, right).
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
H just turned 36 last month. I need to update my signature :).
I think this has been going on for 1-2 years actually, in terms of his feeling unhappy. At least this is what he's said.
I really, truly don't think there is an OW in any way in my sitch. I think this is truly a crisis within himself, and maybe he likes attention and feeling single, but I think the guilt comes from the way he knows this is making me feel. If there were to be an OW, I'd deal with it. I don't know whether it would be a deal breaker or not, would probably depend on the specifics of the situation. He has been going to therapy, and reading loads of self-help books, so I do believe he is doing his best to get better as quickly as possible, but I know these things take time.
Everyone will be pleased to know that H and I have not been sending IMs today. I did send him an email link about the area we are visiting this weekend, and I see he is online, but I haven't reached out and neither has he.
Of course it's only 1 PM, so things could change, but am guessing he wants a day of NC. He gets like this...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
And just as the quickest of updates, H did reach out on IM...
So far so good though. He wanted to know what I did last night, so I made sure to tell him it was fun, and didn't ask about his night.
He went to the doctor and has really high cholesterol, and wanted to tell me about that. It was only a few minute long conversation, and I actually like that he was telling me something personal, so not bad. Chances are high he'll reach out again, but I will not.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
ITH - Glad you had a good time last night. Be very vague with H, let him wonder what you were up to and also leave something to talk about on the weekend. Everytime he reaches out, soon after tell him that you need you go, you're super busy...
I think things are going to start looking up for you, just be positive. Remember you got me into that mind frame!!
