Piecing was the most important step in getting my marriage back...but the first part of piecing was perhaps the most important step in my life...I had to piece myself back together!
Work on yourself first, the rest will follow..is a piece of advice that I would give to all!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
note: this is not my thread though I started it...it is meant for all...
the more people that know your sit the harder it may be to piece
we all know of "well meaning friends and family" that thwart our dbing efforts well they don't suddenly change their tune when the light dawns on the wayward spouse...
obviously support is needed in dealing with the threat of divorce but not everyone needs to know the details or even what's going on. Support doesn't always have to mean the person knows why it is they are going to the gym with you etc. choose your confidants (outside of the bb) wisely and make them few.
the less people you tell about your sit, the less people you have to explain things to if a reconcilliation is to occur.
Not that it sould matter what other people think but let's face it we are human and how others view us does effect us...no need to put yourself in a position where you feel others are looking at you as weak or foolish for accepting back (or wanting back) a spouse who has hurt you.
That is good advice--I've never talked about my sitch with my family. They are judgemental and unforgiving and always want to tell me what I SHOULD do. So I have a couple of good friends I share with and that is it. It really isn't anyone's business anyway! Thanks!
Wish i was piecing! I am replying to your post because i wish I had your advice sooner. I was so devestated by my sitch with my H that I was willing to tell and hear what anyone had to say. My girlfriends/ co-workers, even our realtor knew we were D ,but no details (in the beginning it was impossible for me to go through a day without a meltdown at work. They were/are supportive, and I got to hear some interesting stories from their lives as well) , my family,his family, my best friend.I do agree that it does make it dufficult to explain why you would want someone back that has hurt you so much. I am still having a hard time with moving on even though we have been D over a month now, we were sep for about 6 months. My H was pretty mean about stuff for a while, but after he moved out things became civil with us, even affectionate. But both sides of the events that happened got told to everyone. I was told by at least 2 co workers, that #1- not everyone spends as much time thinking about your life and your sitch as you. And #2- if you and your H got back together we would be ahppy for YOU, we know thats what you want.We are all pulling for the happy ending here.They hate how he treated me, but would be happy for me.Now family and friends would be a different matter. I contantly hear when voice any hope that he will come back "WHY do you want him back, he will NOT change,and you will be doing this again if he does come back. Why do you want someone who went to such lenghts to hurt you and make you look and feel lke trash, and even today, avoids contact with you?He is DONE, move on. " But I have seen small (very small) signs that there may be some feeling left there. I know i can't live my life waiting, and I won't. But as time goes on now, it is better for me to not discuss things with everyone, especially MY family (H's family is wondeful, they are very supportive of me, and though they love him,they see what he has done.)so they will forget or not see it as important,and they will, cause its not their life.I only have a select couple of people now at work that get to hear anything, and that will be stopping soon as well. My family, I still tell stuff to, but its hard cause they are always critising if i wnat to contact H, or harbor any thoughts about him coming back.I am fortunate with my best friend she knows us for 16 yrs, and is nuetral. She gives honest great advice, listens well, and she thinks he is not coming back either, but would hate to see me hurt again if he did.She wants me to be happy. she did say that this is twice he has done this to you, so if happens again, don't call me! In closing, I know its hard to got through what we are all going through, you want advice from everyone,cause you never know who'll have the solution. But it does pay to be selective.
it is difficult to piece when you aren't exactly sure what's different.
goals are one way to determine things are "better" but what if they weren't horrible to begin with?
I don't really have an answer for that other than to stress the importance of contiued goals and the assesment of goals but NOT to the point of obsession.
I chose the route of focusing on the positive and expanding it rather than pushing (or setting goals) for what I want vs being happy and content with getting what I need.
LL who's going through some things now that have little to do with marriage and just more to do with life that are distracting me, plus I just needed a break from the bb.
