My 29 year old wife going through MLC, this sucks

[missmyfriend]

BSC, both are excellent resources that kelaaron mentioned.

It is important for you to understand your value. It won't remove the hurt if she walks out the door but it will help you understand that life does go on if she does AND that it doesn't mean that it is over between the two of you.

She is not sure who she is. She may have thought all she was could be summed up as a wife and mother. That can unnerve a lot of people. Be kind and gentle. Avoid revenge at all costs.

[BSC]

Well yesterday was actually a better day. W was nicer to me than normal and talked to me a little bit. When I got home from work we spent time playing with the kids for a little while. Then she took a bath and painted her nails. We put the kids to bed together and all read stories together. It was nice. We even had some physical contact, which is something she has been avoiding all together. After that she left and went to Barnes and Noble for several hours just to read and be alone. She has a hard time sitting a home with me after the kids go to bed. I was already asleep when she came home. Her going out so much is extremely out of her normal routine and I am trying to get used to it. I worry what she is up to.

This morning she was friendlier to me also, but probably because it is my birthday today. Not really anything to celebrate but she said happy birthday to me none the less and the kids are excited for me. I know she will not get me a gift or card and really I don't want one from her.

I am trying to work on PMA and am glad that maybe the time she is spending alone will help clarify things in her mind. Only time will tell. I havn't cried in 4 days so things are looking up. But when she goes out until all hours on the weekend and shuts me out the tears will flow. I have learned to go with it and get it out and move on.

Have a great day all.

[VeronicaV]

BSC,

I am new to this forum, too. I do not really have any advice for you yet. I am in need of advice, too.

I am just writing to tell you that you are not alone. I, too cry everyday and miss my husband so much.

It has helped me enourmously to follow my heart and my gut. I do not care what any well-meaning friends or family say. I want to save my relationship. If that is what you feel in your heart, honor that and be true to yourself.

I am not religious either. I am telling you that so you know you are not alone in that either.

I am 39 and my husband is 43. I think he is having an MLC, too.

All I can offer right now is support and an ear.

Hang in there.

Beth

[SirPrizeMe]

BSC,

#1. Sorry to slap you over the head with this, but... it seems to me your wife is having an affair. a physical affair.

I hate to say it that way, but ennui does not come out as defensive, argumentative and so stone cold. Guilt is what makes a woman behave the way yours is behaving. Guilt and shame. Not ennui.

She is continuing with her own therapist because she was unfaithful to you, and maybe she is still being unfaithful to you. But now cannot live with herself, cannot bear to look at you, because of what she did. She doesn't know how to tell you, she cannot bear to admit it, she is looking for justification and why "you made her do it." She will find friends and supporters who will blame you, or let her off the hook.

Of course there is no way for me to know this, but looking at your situation from afar, this is what I see.

#2. You cannot make her want to come back. You can be a strong man, and maybe she will find you attractive. Crying yourself to sleep at night is not that. Snooping on her is not that. I know it stinks. I was there, too. But it is not attractive. I know it feels desperate but you need to get a grip on yourself and start being solid and happy.

----

Ok, suppose I am right about #1. What do you do?

You can feel hurt, damaged, victimized.
Or you can look at her as a lost soul, making mistakes and trying to find her way. You can look at her compassionately.
It doesn't mean "be happy that she had an affair", it means, take a step back and don't put 100% of the focus on you.

Or maybe I am totally wrong about #1. In which case... what difference does it make? She is still being totally cold, distant, she still withdraws from you, etc etc. In which case, the effect is the same.

Obviously, I don't really know, but you should prepare yourself for the possibility.

----

Now having said that, I would, if I were you, immediately start preparing for the worst. This means immediately constrain spending. Immediately separate your finances. No new joint commitments (no new cars, houses, loans). And see an attorney.

I know that sounds harsh and rash, and I know you don't want a divorce. Preparing for the worst is not inviting the worst.

If she has been unfaithful to you, if she is dishonest with you now, then it is clear she is capable of more of the same.

---

This may all sound kinda cynical. But I was in your shoes once. Now I am broke, my house is in foreclosure. I don't have access to my kids. It started out with "I'm not sure I know what I want" and it led to "he has been abusive during our entire marriage and he is a danger to the kids" and allegations of illegal activites. All the wacky stuff she pulled - I have no explanation for it other than guilt.

Protect yourself, emotionally and financially. Hope for the best, work for the best, but prepare for the worst.

[missmyfriend]

BSC, if it is adultery, which is possible, what does that mean?

Does it mean that the two of you were not meant to be? Does it mean that your marriage cannot be saved? Do you want it to be saved even if there was another man involved?

My W cheated on me. Was it an emotional only affair or was it physical, I don't know. To me, either are just as bad.

But.

It is more about where my W is emotionally, mentally. A few years ago, she would have been horrified if someone did what she has done. Instead she has found herself in that position. She could've resisted but didn't.

Do I love her any less? No. I love her unconditionally. I absolutely abhor adultery though. To me, she is not her actions of the last couple of years. Inside, she is the person I have known for over 22 years. Do I have to accept an adulterer in my life? No. At least not one who has no apology for it. If she had come to me and said, I did this and I am so sorry, I would not hold it against her. It doesn't mean I would forget. Forgive, yes.

As much as we, and I mean the majority of people, have cheated on our spouses, emotionally, physically, through withholding information about our past, finances, etc., should adultery be the litmus test for saying someone has gone too far?

Don't get me wrong. Adultery is serious and should be more abhorrent to people. Unfortunately, society has removed the stigma against it. You can see it everywhere and people, unless they are close to the situation, dismiss it as nothing big. I have actually seen people justify it and encourage it.

While I think you should be cautious since you have children to think about, please be equally cautious in burning bridges. Even though she is not acting like the woman you have known, she is in there somewhere. She may just not know how to get back or if she wants to get back.

During this "ordeal", I decided that, many years down the road, I could look back and have few regrets on how I behaved and how I handled myself. I knew I would look at the kind of father I was and how I treated my W (regardless of the outcome). No matter what my W has done should determine the kind of person I am.

SirPrize is correct that you should refrain from being overly emotional (I mean crying, begging, pleading, etc) in front of your wife. It doesn't work (I did exactly that) and it has the opposite impact. It pushes people away and they lose respect for that person. When I stopped and acted stronger but still compassionate toward my wife, I felt better. And she ended up responding better.

It is hard but you can do it.

[BSC]

MMF, Thank you again for your kind words. At this point I truly do not believe that my W is having a PA. I could be wrong, and I recognize that it may be. But like you, I think the EA can be more damaging. I have not cried in front of her or begged her back etc.. for more than two months. When I say I cry it is alone or to my dearest friends. I have been the rock that she needs and I am awaiting her to come back. My PMA is great this week and I hope it remains that way.

Today, was a very good day for us. She surprised me and came and met me for lunch with the kids. She called me several times and was pleasant and even made a few jokes. I know this may only last for the day, but I will take the good when it comes and enjoy it. Hour by hour. I refuse to be spiteful towards her and I will only treat her with respect. Like you said, I want to be able to look back and know I did everything I could to try and save us.

Bettou, I appreciate your response and I am glad I have someone else who is new to relate to. Feel free to contact me anytime and hopefully we can band together for strength. You hang in there too.

Tonight we are carving pumpkins and celebrating my birthday. My kids are everything to me now and it will be fun.

Thanks again all.

[VeronicaV]

BSC,

I hope you enjoy your birthday. Same goes for you, contact me anytime.

Beth

[BSC]

Some positive news today!! Last night when I was leaving to go out for my birthway, W was being very nice to me but seemed sad. We had carved pumpkins and I opened gifts from the kids and it was nice. It just seemed like she wanted to say something. So I just thanked her for the nice birthday and left.

This morning she wasn't sad anymore but was still being nice and having conversation. She took a shower while I was getting the kids dressed and for the first time in a while she let me see her naked. Usually she will attempt to cover up a bit. So after she was dressed she came to me and quietly uttered my name and said: "I kind of wanted to give you a hug, is that okay". Now you may think I am crazy but that was like music to my ears. We have not hugged really in over two months. So, I held her tight and we hugged for quite some time. She cried on my shoulder a bit, and told me that she "still is so confused". I just kept holding her close and told that I know she is confused and that it is okay. After that we hugged for a little longer and she gave me a couple soft kisses and I left for work.

I never thought a hug could feel so good. I know that this probably means nothing, I know it could be guilt, I know that by tonight she could me angry and scared. But I am going to enjoy that hug all day.

We have talked several times more today and she picked something up from me with the kids a few minutes ago and she is still being nice and not shutting me out. My plan is to stay calm and keep myself grounded. Believe me, I know things can turn bad real fast but right now I am just going to enjoy that baby step.

[missmyfriend]

Definitely some positives.

Make sure that you don't assume too much and overwhelm her. She is trying to figure things out and knowing that she has a loving and strong man at home can be very attractive to her. If she needs space, give it to her. If she needs a shoulder to cry on, give it to her. You cannot fix her

You cannot fix her.

But you can listen, if she wants to talk. If she wants to cry, let her and let nothing else take your attention.

[BSC]

MMF, I will follow your advice and I know I cannot fix her. I just want to be that strong man for her. I will let her cry, I will let her have space, and I will listen. But that hug was great. Funny how after going through so much in our lives; marriage, birth our children, loss of family members etc.. that a simple hug can feel so good.

Thanks again and I will keep posting with updates. Have a good day!