Well, I think I'm starting to understand. While waiting on DR and DB arrive to arrive, I picked up Susan Page's _How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together_. I didn't have to look very hard through the chapter on reasons you should consider D to see myself in print, and as the ogre of the section, no less. I'm sure that with the growing pain and issues with the cancer and its med, I am a verbal abuser. Worse, perhaps is that W (and maybe her support team) believe that I'll become physically abusive the next time we meet.
Alas, I read that there's no much of a reason for her to ever trust me again. That not to say that I'm giving up, just waking up.
Alas, I read the local shelter's advice and it explicitly states to never, ever have contact with the abuser after dropping the D bomb. I expect now the worst from the letter above--just a note from her lawyer to mine to cease such communication attempts.
I did just place a call to my doctor asking about the appointment with the therapist his staff was to set up. It ends up that my county has no openings until late January. Fortunately there may be openings in a larger city 45 minutes away. Let's hope. I bet the D will be final next month, and I know I need long-term help to fix me.
The guilt is overwhelming right now. I destroyed something beautiful crafted over 30 years. I doubt that I ever needed my best friend as much as now. Well, time to GAL, fix me and get out of this dark valley--all the while hoping to say something to W again.
