Back to life, back to reality?

[istherehope]

And just as a VERY quick followup, H added "hey and i know you are trying, i am too,i really am, i just get panicked."

So my lesson from this is that H somehow is trying, but for some reason being around me too much freaks him out. I guess I need to figure out the ideal ratio...

The he just said "just need a little time, and thanks for giving it to me".

Is this the same person who sent that email last night???? He said he is looking forward to our trip...

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

There.. he said it all.. listen to him!!! "I just need a little time and thanks for giving it to me" - so disappear for 3 days and hopefully you will have a good weekend.. its a good weekend for it, Chiron, planet of wounds and of healing and very to do with relationships, turns direct on Saturday after going backwards since May. So hopefully, he might reach out a bit more, instead of being so inward looking! Make sure you are gone till then though?

Really happy for you that he wants to spend the weekend with you.
Ali xxx

[istherehope]

Thanks Ali,

In fact I will be gone until Saturday. I even told him that I would need to come home and get stuff, but then said I would slum it instead. He's suggested I buy myself an outfit now, that's nice.

He tried to start an R talk, I could tell, by saying "hey, it's been pleasant hanging with you." I just said cool, oh I need to get back to work.

I think I'm getting better at not engaging in these talks, now just need to figure out how to avoid them all weekend--not sure if I should ask that we avoid them?

That's interesting about Chiron. It was in May when I first noticed that things weren't really right with H. I knew something had changed in his feelings at that point...

Thanks for checking in on me :).

ITH

[Separated]

Hey ITH. Wow. I don't know how other people are going to perceive this but if you are saying that the letter expressed your anger instead of you apologizing and telling him how to feel then personally I agree and think that this is good!!

You have been apologizing to him about his feeling the whole time and I think expressing anger might be a 180 for you. And judging from todays actions a good 180. Go to your friends for a few days and have minimal contact, let him miss you a bit. Even from IM and emails. Put up an away message you are super busy from taking a day off yesterday!!

I am glad that he did suggest the weekend to go do things as I know you have been wanting to something outside of the house. I believe that will cause an atmosphere where there is less tension and you can just enjoy each other.

[istherehope]

Hi Sep,

Thanks for checking in on me.

I reread my email at least 12 times, and there is definitely no apologizing in it at all. There are a few points where I say "I understand that...", overall though it is full of gems like "We are faithful, committed, we like each other, trust each other etc., and there are not 'irreconcilable differences.' This is about giving up and letting pessimism rule. This is not like you." "You say that what we have isn't enough, but you don't speak to me about anything other than how unhappy the marriage has made you. You tell me that you want more, but won't tell me what it is or why you think you can't have it with me."

I did express loads of anger when we had that conversation in bed too, and told him that not everything was an existential crisis, but I think that he was more focused on my crying...this email made me seem stronger I guess, even if angry.

H and I have been IMing a LOT for the past 2 hours, but it has all been pretty good, mainly I think because when he starts to panic, I change the topic or say I need to get back to work. He just reached out again and mentioned that the weekend day we are NOT going to Galway, we should take another drive, maybe go horseback riding...

So this is just bizarro-world. I hope that he is not going to be judging our interactions too much...another thing I'd said in the email was "I'm at least as much fun to hang out with as all of your new friends, and I actually care about you." So suddenly he's planning all these activities...

Oh I SOOOO hope he will avoid R talk!!! Do you think I should actually ask that we avoid talking about it or should I just go with the flow?

ITH

[Separated]

I think you should go with the flow but if he brings it up use your swift ninja moves and divert his attention!!!

[istherehope]

Ooh yes, hopefully he won't do this when we're driving though!!! Maybe I should get us a book to listen to or something on the iPod. We used to like doing that...

ITH

[istherehope]

And yes he LOVES his R talk. He started on again about how he guessed it was too soon to jump back into the 24/7 routine. I said that I agreed, and was more than happy with splitting days. Then he said "i guess i over estimated our ability to deal with it together". I said "yes, me too," and then again said no worries, splitting days=good. Then I changed the topic to the groceries I'd bought for the house.

Wish he'd quit with the R talk already!

ITH

[Separated]

That's always a good idea. Something positive to keep it in a good vibe!!

[optimistwife]

Oh ITH...

I am glad that he is a bit remorseful. I agree- stop apologizing for every move and action. I think the anger is a more real response, and shows you as a stronger person.

I also think that you NEED to take a break from all the IM and chatting! You two are addicted to eachother. It isn't good. Although I am delighted you are planning time together this weekend, the constant chatting will give you too many opportunities to backslide- especially given how shaken up you are inside right now.

I really think that you should take a 2 day break from almost all contact- maybe just a goodnight, and then rejoin eachother for your weekend 'date'. It will give both of you a chance to regroup and recover.

I don't think the way things are changing every hour is healthy for you.

And about his horrible e-mail- it is very common to hear that they are done, it will never work out, even though they love/care about us so much, and we should move on for our own good. Even though this is the first you have heard it in your R, I guarentee that the rest of us have heard it, sometimes multiple times along the way...