Don't know what to do- Please help

[DiDi]

great work, Limbo! I know it seems like forever that you've been working on making things right... but it took a long time for the marriage to get to the bad place, it won't be truly fixed overnight. Quick fixes never cut it. That's the honeymoon stuff when you slide back into complacency. That doesn't mean, though, that you won't ever be able to be secure and let the walls down!

The book Dr. Love artfully refers to is a great piecing tool that works with the DB principles.

[limbo]

Thanks all!

It is a good start, but I will not get my hopes up to high, as we have been here before, a couple of time. So I will just take it as it comes for now.
He did have a good dialogue, did a easy one to begin with, nothing to intense right now, we will work up to that!
We also did talk alittle about his C and I said that he needs to be truly honest with his C, because if he isn't that he is doing a dis service to himself, and us...he said that when he said he would go back to her he had decided that himself, and that he is looking forward to going to see her, which is a big change, because he has never liked going before.
We also have made an agreement to have no more big discussions by email, the we need to do them face to face, as it important that we learn to have more face to face talks.
It has been easier to have email talks, but we are missing out on everything else that goes with it, you know emotion, body language. So thats also a good thing.
But like I said no huge expectations, just let it happen and see where it goes!

[Dr LOve]

We also have made an agreement to have no more big discussions by email, the we need to do them face to face, as it important that we learn to have more face to face talks.
It has been easier to have email talks, but we are missing out on everything else that goes with it, you know emotion, body language. So thats also a good thing.
But like I said no huge expectations, just let it happen and see where it goes!

Limbo,

I express my feeling easier in writing ( that's why I like Dialoguing) anyway a half way point could be to go ahead and write your e-mail that you wanted to send but instead print it out and read it to your husband.
Me I have these thoughts and when the time does come to talk I always get off track and leave stuff out.

Just a suggestion..

You are doing great. AND I give your H allot of credit going to a C. My wife knows she has a problem but will not seek help...

Doc

[JAK58]

Limbo

Great start you had hope the positives keep coming.

Doc has a point about writing or e-mailing then don't send just read. Good idea.

Hope your day goes well.

JAK

[limbo]

Dr, Jak

That is a good idea, we have always talked the most via email, but I think we both felt that it was missing something because we can't see each other, also things in email can be missed or taken the wrong way. But that is a good idea, so maybe I will suggest it, especially when something may be hard to say.

[runningoutoftime]

Well he responded with he wants me and only me, and wants to stay and work on the marriage.

Limbo,
This is very good. I would say, he must to commit to no secrets. He must be able to share every interaction he has with her and avoid getting personal with anyone he feels attraction to (this actually is something everyone in every marriage needs to do to help avoid affairs).

You have to be the one he's open with, he can share things with... and you need to be strong enough and loving enough that he feels comfortable doing this. In other words, affairs thrive in secrecy and sharing of thoughts ideas, etc... You have to be the person he shares his secrets, thoughts, ideas, etc... Keep in mind, it's easier to share innermost thoughts and feelings and connect when you feel you can be completely open and not hurt the other person. So it's important that you heal and eventually leave this behind...

[limbo]

Thanks running

I agree that there has to be no secrets, and this is something that I have asked for a long time, and it is always sworn to me that he has been.
I have asked him about emails, and was always told he only has what I know about, but have found that wasn't the case.
I don't believe he will ever be 100% open and honest with me, I don't think he can be.
And this of course is a big issue because how can we truly have a good relationship without it?
Its funny our next dialogue question, and this is what husband picked as he put the list together is "How do I feel about keeping secrets? so it should be intresting when we do this one what comes about.

He had his first C session yesterday did really give me alot of info on it, but said that it went really well and that he was glad he went. I do hope it will help him in some way.

[Sara]

Root,

You have a good perspective. I don't know if this sitch is up your alley. But could you look in on BobbiJo and give her some ideas?

[runningoutoftime]

Okay Sara...I'll try to find it...

Limbo, my H is a terrible communicator too. Although I feel he finally is better at sharing things with me. I think the D and finding my own personal peace, and then just being a very good listener, asking lots of impersonal questions so my H felt comfortable, trying to see the affair and his situation from his perspective, never laying out blame or bringing up the past, giving him the freedom to be wherever he wants to be... has made a big difference.

I don't think this will necessarily keep my H from having an A again or eventually leaving me. That could always happen, that could happen even if I was married to someone else. I just have to take care of me, be a stronger better person, stay positive in spite of the ups and downs and know that regardless of what life brings me I'm going to be okay. Yes, it would hurt to go through it again. But I've made it through before I can do it again. And each time I really learn more.

One thing I've learned... some people are weak or just lost (quite a few actually). And we cannot force strength or character into others. We can only work on our own strength, try to make our own character good, and hope by doing this others will be inspired or recognize where happiness is... or at least isn't.

[limbo]

Root(I see thats the correct short form!!!!)

Thanks again, this has made me stop and think...
That is most certainly something that I have to work on is getting me stronger, and able to just let things go.
This is something that will only come with time and patience, on both sides.

Thank you for the very wise words!!! They do help alot