trying to be patient and strong 6

[whatdidido]

I agree, Karen. You are a very good person and you shouldn't stop being that person because your H is not being a good one. At this point is not doing things for him giving him reality? I think it is passed that. Right now, you keep loving him. You're still married. What he decides is alll him.

[karen43]

I agree, Karen. You are a very good person and you shouldn't stop being that person because your H is not being a good one. At this point is not doing things for him giving him reality? I think it is passed that. Right now, you keep loving him. You're still married. What he decides is alll him.

Thanks you guys. If I'm a bit down, you always cheer me up 110%! BH, you are so sweet!!!! I think you're right to some extent, wdid. I have different goals than someone trying to DB their marriage. I really am DBing myself in my mind anyway. I don't want this to change me too much or stress myself out. I am going to try not to be too super-enabling or whatever, and next time I'm going to try not to rush in and make H feel all better though. But yeah, I'm not going to beat myself up (too much) over a Snickers!!!

Oh, you mentioned reality, and I think H is going to get a boost of that today. I had to email him today, our house insurance down payment is a little over $500 and my L wants him to get the heater fixed. I think he's going to claim poverty and told my L that, and I said that's probably true with the 3 vacations he's taken, $1000 or so he spent on hotel rooms in December & January, and $300 pogo stick purchases. But of course H blames me for it all!!! Anyway, my L called his L and his L said he's going to have H call me about the heating. My L told me to hang up if he's yelling, and so I'm guessing give me the boo hoo I'm broke act. I'm so sick of this!!! So today I need to find all the financial records and print them out for my L so she has proof. This is so stressful!!! Karen

[faithrunner]

Karen, I think buying the snickers was absolutely thoughtful of you. You are being the best person you can be because it is the right thing to do. Why look to someone who is behaving immorally to determine the rightness of your actions? Continue to be a beacon of good and he will be attracted to that goodness, I'm sure. Hugs to you!

[karen43]

Thanks, faith! Ok, H's L called him b/c he emailed me he could get the heater fixed but then he doesn't think we could afford the monthly heating bills which is why he says he never had it fixed supposedly (apparently not like why I thought b/c he was spending all his time/money on OW last winter).

I emailed back: Well, I think it would be good to have the heater fixed when it's in the 20s and 30s, freezing type temps. We could turn the heater on low like we did last year before it was broken to keep the bills low. I think it would be good to have the heater esp. when the kids have the flu and stuff for the kids' health (he knows D8 just had the flu and now S14). I think I was very polite with that don't you think b/c I wanted to say, Geez, you're such a F*cktard!!! But I didn't though I really, really wanted to!!! Karen

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Karen,

I think the Snickers was a good thing (are you shocked???). Especially since it was modeled in front of your daughter. It's a simple kindness.

However, ditch the "rescuing" behavior on the "don't worry about not calling; we were playing Monopoly" thing.

That's my two cents.

Puppy

[kat727]

I think you have to remember to not let him off the hook. When he says he is going to do something and then he doesn't follow through, shoot a dart his way. It would have been fine to say, "the kids were diappointed that you didn't call so I tried to distract them with a game." That way he knows he let them down(yet again), they were disappointed that he didn't follow through and more importantly that you have once again picked up the pieces for your kids sake not for his.

If he drops the ball on something that doesn't involve the kids, don't rescue him. Just my humble opinion.

kat

[karen43]

Karen,

I think the Snickers was a good thing (are you shocked???). Especially since it was modeled in front of your daughter. It's a simple kindness.

However, ditch the "rescuing" behavior on the "don't worry about not calling; we were playing Monopoly" thing.

That's my two cents.

Puppy

Ok, I'm shocked!!! I agree with you 100%. The candy bar was just me, but the rescuing--perfect word for that!!! I realized that about 5 seconds after I emailed him. And that's why maybe I need to hold on to them for a little before sending and think about what I'm doing. I have the knowledge (I learned from the master right?), I just don't always use it!! Karen

[karen43]

I think you have to remember to not let him off the hook. When he says he is going to do something and then he doesn't follow through, shoot a dart his way. It would have been fine to say, "the kids were diappointed that you didn't call so I tried to distract them with a game." That way he knows he let them down(yet again), they were disappointed that he didn't follow through and more importantly that you have once again picked up the pieces for your kids sake not for his.

kat

Kat, you are so right!!! Unfortunately, I'm sure I'll have more opportunities to practice "darting" H in the future. I will prob. say exactly that!!! The truth, not varnishing it or sugar-coating it and trying to make H feel good when he doesn't deserve it!!! Karen

[kat727]

You are a very sweet person and I wouldn't want you to change that for anything. Your H has betrayed you and your family, there is no reason to be kinder to him than human decency requires.

Just a quick question, have you ever really gotten mad at him about all of this, so that he knows it I mean?

kat

[karen43]

Just a quick question, have you ever really gotten mad at him about all of this, so that he knows it I mean?

kat

Oh, yeah--I had about a month after the bomb (so basically all of December) and before I discovered DB where I vented a lot. Called OW a whore, tramp or whatever. I yelled, and tried logic, followed him around like a puppy, begging and pleading, lots of ILYs, and basically everything DB says is the wrong thing to do. So I feel I got out the anger that month. Then I got on ADs and discovered DB and my C and I'm the more mellow me of today. I used to get blasted here a few times a bit when I first got here for how I acted!!! I vented about 5% at H I think, and about 95% at the OW, although I feel more like they are both equally skanky currently. I had my hugest biggest blow up the day before my brother's brain surgery. H spent most of the day with OW and I was really angry, depressed, and I 100% let him know it, in front of the kids too. Not my proudest moment... Karen