My 29 year old wife going through MLC, this sucks

[missmyfriend]

BSC, if it is adultery, which is possible, what does that mean?

Does it mean that the two of you were not meant to be? Does it mean that your marriage cannot be saved? Do you want it to be saved even if there was another man involved?

My W cheated on me. Was it an emotional only affair or was it physical, I don't know. To me, either are just as bad.

But.

It is more about where my W is emotionally, mentally. A few years ago, she would have been horrified if someone did what she has done. Instead she has found herself in that position. She could've resisted but didn't.

Do I love her any less? No. I love her unconditionally. I absolutely abhor adultery though. To me, she is not her actions of the last couple of years. Inside, she is the person I have known for over 22 years. Do I have to accept an adulterer in my life? No. At least not one who has no apology for it. If she had come to me and said, I did this and I am so sorry, I would not hold it against her. It doesn't mean I would forget. Forgive, yes.

As much as we, and I mean the majority of people, have cheated on our spouses, emotionally, physically, through withholding information about our past, finances, etc., should adultery be the litmus test for saying someone has gone too far?

Don't get me wrong. Adultery is serious and should be more abhorrent to people. Unfortunately, society has removed the stigma against it. You can see it everywhere and people, unless they are close to the situation, dismiss it as nothing big. I have actually seen people justify it and encourage it.

While I think you should be cautious since you have children to think about, please be equally cautious in burning bridges. Even though she is not acting like the woman you have known, she is in there somewhere. She may just not know how to get back or if she wants to get back.

During this "ordeal", I decided that, many years down the road, I could look back and have few regrets on how I behaved and how I handled myself. I knew I would look at the kind of father I was and how I treated my W (regardless of the outcome). No matter what my W has done should determine the kind of person I am.

SirPrize is correct that you should refrain from being overly emotional (I mean crying, begging, pleading, etc) in front of your wife. It doesn't work (I did exactly that) and it has the opposite impact. It pushes people away and they lose respect for that person. When I stopped and acted stronger but still compassionate toward my wife, I felt better. And she ended up responding better.

It is hard but you can do it.