Almost 2 yrs Later

[RedHeadWife]

Well, here we are almost 2 yrs post bomb (it will be 2 yrs in January). I don't want to sound negative, but I still catch myself (1) wondering if he's cheating again and (2) sometimes almost expecting another bomb at any moment (like last night - see below), but otherwise, we're just great I do not dwell on these 2 things and immediately put a stop to my thoughts when they go that way, but it does still happen on a regular basis.

Last night was awful. Sons 2 & 4 would not go to bed (I thought of BBJ) and just kept messing around in their room & running down the hallway. After numerous trips to their room by both of us, H got seriously furious & went in there & sounded like a TI (military training instructor) hollering at them. He finally sent S2 in to sleep w/ me so they would be separated and he went to the couch. Made my stomach clench & my radar go up. Wondering why in the He!! he is deciding to sleep on the couch. (Also of course thinking that S2 is now going to figure if he screws around enough @ bed time he's going to get to sleep w/ mom every night - great!)

Anyway, I did a total 180 & just went to sleep & did not go in to where H was to ask what was up. Then, again, did a total 180 this a.m. and acted like nothing was wrong and didn't act like I was upset about what had happened. However, as mentioned above, I had noticed where H's cell was last night & looked to see if it had moved -- was he texting someone while on the couch last night? - that was my thought pattern -- the cell had not been moved. I went to work out at 5:30 a.m. and when I came back, he was up and, again, I just acted up-beat etc. & he was the one to bring up last night & we calmly discussed it.

I'm still working on the SSM part of our M. I make sure S happens as often as it should and will not allow myself to go back to how we were before (just pretty much not having it b/c I could live w/o it and was too tired etc. most of the time). I have ups & downs w/ this issue. I have found that there are times when I physically & mentally actually WANT S and times when I just "act as if" and make sure it's still happening -- I have found the more it happens, the more likely I am to enjoy it on a regular basis as well. Obviously, there are times when things are tense around the house (usually it seems the stress involves the boys) and it just doesn't happen, but I don't let many days go by w/o it happening.

I guess I should go back & say that the first paragraph here sounded kind of sarcastic when I said things were great. They honestly are in a lot of ways and/or most ways. The stress, etc. that we do have is normal every day life stuff. I have just learned, through DB & the whole D sitch, how to deal w/ things differently. It's always been like we feed off of each other. If one is in a bad mood/stressed or whatever, the other kind of follows . . . I've tried to stop that. Last night was a good example. He was in a bad mood from the time I got home from work until the whole bed time thing happened & I just was happy & sweet w/ the boys etc.

You know, sometimes I'm not happy either. I told him that during the D sitch -- I told him sometimes I don't like YOU! -- sometimes I would like to just drive away & keep driving, but that is NOT AN OPTION for me. I just keep working through everything and CHOOSING to love him no matter what happens.