I need help with this!

[faithrunner]

Hi Hope!

Yes, I know generally who the EA is with, although I have never met her. I know a lot of details about how their friendship developed b/c H is very honest about it in a weird way. When he came home in August he wanted me to know "everything", so he told me how they met, how they started by talking about their parents (alcoholics), she recommended al-anon to him. Then, they started talking about their marriages. Her H is military and had been deployed for 18 months at a time twice in recent years, they grew apart, and separated this summer. H told OW in June they needed to stop talking to eachother b/c he was trying to work on his marriage and they couldn't be friends for our marriage to work (that is what he told me verbatim). She agreed and bowed out. He didn't tell her he had feelings for her until the end of Sept, just before he left again. He hadn't been in contact with her again until that point. He told her that he wanted to start their friendship again, she told him she had feelings for him also and would like to start their contact as well. She used to work at the same place, but does not any longer, so they don't have daily face-to-face contact like they had in the past.

H told me it's not about looks (I saw her picture in her emails, so I know this is true), it's that she gives him a sense of comfort (I said like the mom he never had, he said maybe. She is 10yrs older) and is probably the only friend he has ever had, per him. That was deep in the crazy talk, don't believe what you hear stage.

Up until this week, I had been checking our bank accounts and he had no charges for dinners, or any other outings. Not even atm withdrawls. All activity on the accounts was normal, even CC. So, I think this is still in the EA stage, mainly through conversation.

He is extremely committed to the kids, which is great. And, I know she doesn't totally get that. She has no kids of her own and one of the emails I read from her written last Friday said,"are you going to be gone from my life during all daylight hours this weekend, too?" That's the last I know b/c I am committed to no more snooping!

My concern is that she will remain through the deployment (three months) b/c she has done it before for her own H, and b/c they have lasted this long on conversation. Plus, it's only been a month since they acknowledged their feelings for eachother. He told me the night he left (not a good conversation) that he would absolutely be talking to her while he was gone.

Don't get me wrong, I would love, love, love for you to be right, Hope! I hope she does realize that he will never disconnect from his kids and be 100% hers. Also, I feel like he could be doing lots with the kids on his own if he wanted to-but he initiates discussion of the weekends and it's been all "us" stuff. There has to be a reason for that, even if he isn't aware of it yet (crossing fingers).

Anyway, I am so proud of you that you are doing good things for yourself each day. I think for you and I "dropping the rope" should be our motto. "How are you today?" "Good, just doing the DTR thing!" Let's fly above their madness as much as possible. I'm glad you have a little breather at work. I will absolutely get that book!