#1. Sorry to slap you over the head with this, but... it seems to me your wife is having an affair. a physical affair.
I hate to say it that way, but ennui does not come out as defensive, argumentative and so stone cold. Guilt is what makes a woman behave the way yours is behaving. Guilt and shame. Not ennui.
She is continuing with her own therapist because she was unfaithful to you, and maybe she is still being unfaithful to you. But now cannot live with herself, cannot bear to look at you, because of what she did. She doesn't know how to tell you, she cannot bear to admit it, she is looking for justification and why "you made her do it." She will find friends and supporters who will blame you, or let her off the hook.
Of course there is no way for me to know this, but looking at your situation from afar, this is what I see.
#2. You cannot make her want to come back. You can be a strong man, and maybe she will find you attractive. Crying yourself to sleep at night is not that. Snooping on her is not that. I know it stinks. I was there, too. But it is not attractive. I know it feels desperate but you need to get a grip on yourself and start being solid and happy.
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Ok, suppose I am right about #1. What do you do?
You can feel hurt, damaged, victimized. Or you can look at her as a lost soul, making mistakes and trying to find her way. You can look at her compassionately. It doesn't mean "be happy that she had an affair", it means, take a step back and don't put 100% of the focus on you.
Or maybe I am totally wrong about #1. In which case... what difference does it make? She is still being totally cold, distant, she still withdraws from you, etc etc. In which case, the effect is the same.
Obviously, I don't really know, but you should prepare yourself for the possibility.
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Now having said that, I would, if I were you, immediately start preparing for the worst. This means immediately constrain spending. Immediately separate your finances. No new joint commitments (no new cars, houses, loans). And see an attorney.
I know that sounds harsh and rash, and I know you don't want a divorce. Preparing for the worst is not inviting the worst.
If she has been unfaithful to you, if she is dishonest with you now, then it is clear she is capable of more of the same.
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This may all sound kinda cynical. But I was in your shoes once. Now I am broke, my house is in foreclosure. I don't have access to my kids. It started out with "I'm not sure I know what I want" and it led to "he has been abusive during our entire marriage and he is a danger to the kids" and allegations of illegal activites. All the wacky stuff she pulled - I have no explanation for it other than guilt.
Protect yourself, emotionally and financially. Hope for the best, work for the best, but prepare for the worst.
