I am new to this site and new to the DB community. I am in the process of reading the Divorce Remedy and it is the only thing that has brought me any peace and hope recently.
My husband of 10 years (we have been together for 12)left me on August 8, 2008. I am still devastated and crying everyday though my friends, family and therapist all say they think I am doing better and better. I am working on myself, reading, trying to keep busy and am exercising some.
My husband is 43. The first thing I noticed to change about him was that he was very upset at the notion of turning 40. For the first time, he did not want to celebrate. Over the last few years he has become vigilant about diet and exercise.
This last year, he has become more and more distant emotionally. Whenever I would ask him what was wrong he would say, "I am unhappy," but would never elaborate, saying he had no time.
We are both attorneys. My job has very normal work hours; his is insane. On a good day he would work 12 hours a day and often worked weekends. Now that he has left, he tells me he works 15 hours a day and 12 hours each weekend.
Just before he left he found out he has high blood pressure and now tells me he is having chest pains at rest on an almost daily basis.
I recognize that there were problems in our relationship. I had some serious issues with anxiety (I have been treated and am better now)and know that my issues took a toll on the relationship. Sad thing is, he left now that I am finally better. But I also know that his toxic worklife is a major contributor.
Anyway, he snuck home in the middle of the workday on 8/6/08, packed his things and left. He called me to tell me that though he would always love me, he did not think he was in love with me and that he could not be the husband I needed.
He did not contact me at all for five weeks. He would not tell me where he lived. After five weeks, we met. He cried when he saw me. I could still feel the connection between us. He admitted that he had not had any time to think things through. We agreed to meet weekly to talk about things. We had one really horrible meeting on a worknight. At our third meeting, I told him he seemed to be hiding from me. He agreed and added he has been hiding from himself. When I told him I still did not know why he left, he got very tense and told me he left because he was unhappy with me and unhappy in the marriage.
I told him it was unfair that he never told me though I had been asking what was wrong for over a year. I told him I never had a chance to address his concerns.
We met this past Saturday to talk about what was upsetting him. All he could come up with was that my moods were too volatile and that he never know if I was happy or not. He said that he know I believe marriage takes work. He said he has no energy left to work. He said he knows it is unrealistic but that two people should just be who they are; people have no right to ask each other to change. I asked if we could spend time together as friends to see if that connection is still there. He agreed but said he was concerned about it because he knows I will be hoping for reconciliation while he is not.
I love this man so much. He is a good person who is kind, caring and thoughtful. I refuse to give up on him and our relationship while I think he is not himself.
I just got to the part of Divorce Remedy where we learn the bit about not chasing the spouse and getting a life to see if that has an effect. I am trying to embrace the idea of not being the one to write or email him to hang out as friends to see if this might work. But, the last time I left reaching out up to him, he went 5 weeks without contacting me and even then, I contacted him.
