No I understand it isn't about who's right or wrong or points. My analogy is simply that the hardest part of a fight is the first three rounds. You can determine, most times, the outcome by analyzing how the fight went in the first three rounds. My analogy is that I have taken it all on the chin and I am still standing.
i will be reading it again after re-reading my MLC and how to handle it book again. I am doing my strategy of being dark, almost comletely. she was over my house for quite a while last night. I was very cool to her. I am noticing thngs, small things that have me thinking hard, but I back off so I don't make more out of it. I want to see more consistency in her repsonse and actions towards my actions. I know now that she is feeling lonely. That is apparent to everyone in the past week. I am not doing anything for revenge or to prove a point. everything I am doing now is to make me more of what I want to be, which i believe will help if and when she comes back.
I do want her back badly. I am seeing signs, but i am not overreacting. I want to move back towards her and intiate some contact, but i need to give this hard line another week and a half anyway. I am not being a pr!@# or an SOB, I am simply re-enforcing my position as the LBS and the anger towrds her affair. I am simply not letting her get to me, I am not crumbling when I am with her, I am not acting like a lost puppy dog. She is watching me, this I know. She sees me going about my business, not being concerned with her presence. I have things that I need to accomplish each night and i do them. I do not sway, faulter or procrastinate. they get done! fore, when we were together, I would put everything off if there was a gathering of people and would sit and socialize. This was the bad habit I fell into. Now, I will sit and socialize as i am either waiting for something to finish or if my tasks are comlete. She sees this. If she talks to me or asks questions, I respond, nicely and succinctly. I do not dwell. These were things I did a few weeks ago.
My changes are very real. Who I am now is who I am. I stress over my bills getting paid, putting food on the table and trying to do things for myself. The latter always gets pushed off for everything else. As it was in the past. I look back to the past for several rasons, mostly to see who I was when the worldwas right and who I had become that had helped damage my marriage. I will not forget these two people that I was, they have helped me become me. I honestly believe when she takes the time to reflect on things, she will most likely view things in a different way, as I did. I have been told it is human nature to suppress bad things you have done and to lay blame elsewhere and on other things is easier than accepting your responsiblity. I could easily blame drinking for all our problems, but I wasn't being forced to drink. I don't believe my marriage was as bad as she claims. Based on my research and feedback and counseling, the issue is more of where she wants to be and who she wants to be are the main issues.
I am not analyzing her position as it is impossible to do so and hy kill myslef trying to resolve what i can not. I have accepted what I have done that may have caused issues in our R. She has not, she blames everything accept herself. I read somewhere that the longer she remains in limbo, the harder her fall will be. It was also intersting to read how many women, and men, don't come back simply due to remorse and overwhelming guilt. they felt that their spouses would not take them back or that they could ever resolve what transpired. In those instances, the majority of LBS said they would not have had any problem trying to get things on track.
Some of this is why I get scared going dark, I don't want to give her the impression she can't come back if she is ready. But then there is the whole, she won't come back to an emotional ass kisser either. I have been researching, listening, reading and looking at the reasons women go back to their lives, number one was that the spouse had to be much stronger and more in control than ever. They are tired of fighting all the battles (in their minds) and want to have someone take care of things and them. I will be brutually honest, I left all the bills , the house and those type of aggravations to her. I did neglect them. I put a lot on her, my dependency. I reflected on that. If she came back now, I might slip. that is why I need a little more time. Looking at a part time job to make some good side money. Once that is complete and my finances stabilize a little more, then my stress levels are even.
A friend of mine that went through this told me wanted out and asked her husband to leave because he just wasn't involved, not with the kids, finances, their mrriage, anyting. When he moved out and she saw him going out after a couple of months of sitting on his ass whining, taking care of his own finances, doing more with the kids, he got them every other weekend and started calling then 3 times a week faithfully to ak how they were doing, she realized that she wanted her marriage back. She saw what he had become and was very hard on herself that they never talked about these issues before they became the boiling point. I have a lot of similarities in my situation. I know everyone's sitch is different and no outcome is the same, but I look at what has worked for them, researched what has worked for everyone else that ended up with a positiv reconciliation, and communicating with Tgone as to what didn't work . these things are helpful, but again no guarantee. I understadn things more, see things differently and watch more intently.
Sorry to ramble on, but needed to let you know how entrenched I am in this situation. this is the fight of my life, I make no bones about it. I want her back, I don't need her back. that is the biggest difference. Until the OM is gone, she will have blinders on. She is feeling the financial crunch and the loneliness of her actions. She sees the interactions I have with my family and firends, interactions she doesn't have at my level. It is sad, but it is her consequences and she alone is responsibl for them (thanks Tgone). She will no doubt wake up from this. she has done nothing to better her position, she rtalks alot about what she needs todo, but even her friends let it go in one ear and out the other. Talk is cheap, action is bold. I read in DR that men don't resond to talk, they respond to action. I believe it goes true for women in this sitch as well. Would I have done these changes if my W and I had discussed it more openly, probably, but at a much slower rate if at all. Her actins catapaulted me to this. Would she come back if she heard about everyhting I am "going" to do or "want" to do? Probably not. She is seeing projects done around thehouse, she sees me changing she hears about me. these action are making her look harder. example; She asked about my water damaged ceiling Sunday night. this has been a huge pint of contention with her. There is a leak somewhre, thought I fixed it, I said it isn't leaking anymore, and she would argue. She hears about the ceiling getting fixed, she hears about how I had called the insurance company, she hears about the adjuster coming out and she hears about the plaster coming out and giving me a quote. Ceiling is still damaged. I explained once I have the check in hadn, the ceiling wll be fixed. Once the ceiling and wall are repaired, she will know it isn't talk. She is definitely looking for changes, positive changes in the house. She has seen my changes, but needs to see more. She commented to one of her friends, in front of my D, that her brother still lives there. This was also an issue with her wanting out. but she knows he pays rent and it helps with the bills. Once I get situated with a part time job, he will most likely move out. do I think that comment is being made becasue she is thinking of coming back and doesn't want him there? yes I do. But she was the one whoinvited him to stay. These things are little, baby step things, but they are adding up already. Hope your eyes aren't too sore after reading this. i love all my feedback, positive and ass kicking. It all helps in the end. thanks,
