I'll first recommend that you start your own thread here in the SSM forum, by pressing the New Topic button in the forum's topic/thread listing. Then give us an introduction to yourself and your situation, perhaps a brief history of your relationship. That will help folks a lot in figuring out what advice they can give, if any --> no one wants to give bum advice based on not understanding the situation.
From what you have said so far, I see two things going on with your H:
First, he doesn't understand the importance of intimacy, particularly emotional intimacy, to a woman. You aren't just sex-staved, you're intimacy starved. His attitude is a very common trait among men; that is, it's a pretty typical male viewpoint to devalue and even belittle emotional intimacy and bonding: sharing and talking about deep feelings; non-sexual touching, hugging, kissing; spooning and cuddling, etc. Men are brought up to NOT need or want such things -- else you're a sissy. So in the first place, he needs to learn how to open himself up to such intimacy, as well as realizing that women are very different and that most women NEED this high degree of intimacy in order to feel happy and fulfilled in a relationship.
Second, he has the very typical LD spouse attitude that if sex isn't important to him, then why should it be so damn important to you? He's wrapped up in his own viewpoint, and refuses to see the validity in your desires and needs for physical intimacy -- especially since they seem to threaten his. And like most LD spouses he just doesn't 'get it' that sex is far, far more than a simple physical act or physical release for you -- that physical and emotional intimacy are intertwined and that both are important to a healthy and happy relationship.
HOWEVER, despite that I've acknowledged two areas where your husband needs to reeducate himself and change his way of doing things, the cold facts is: I can't change him, and neither can you. He will eventually have to be brought around to changing himself, and the only way to do that is to begin to make changes in YOURSELF and how you interact with him.
Take a hard look at Phases 1 and 2 that I outlined in this thread, and look for ways in which you can make yourself better --> for yourself <-- and get out of anger & resentment mode (if that's where you are). Look for ways that you can begin meeting his relationship needs on his own terms, and without asking for anything in return (for now). If he is to come around, finally 'get it,' and start working with you to fix the problem, you've got some groundwork to do first.
This isn't easy -- I know from my own experience. It's far, far too easy to say "I'm miserable, my spouse is the one causing ME pain, my spouse is the one who needs to change!"
* It's HARD as heck for the men here to go from being 'that angry jerk' who only 'wants to get laid' to being seen as a loving husband again by their LD wife.
* It's HARD as heck for the women here to go from being 'that nagging bitch' who only 'wants to get laid' to being seen as a loving wife again by their LD husband.
But I'm convinced that this is a NECESSARY step toward producing positive change in the LD spouse (and the relationship). for over 20 years, I was angry, resentful, bitter, disconnected, and distant: and nothing ever changed and in fact, things only got worse over time. It was ONLY when I was able to flush enough of the negatives, and start loving my wife --> ON HER OWN LD TERMS <-- that we began to make progress and she began to move in my direction with regard to physical intimacy.
Best regards,
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
