On one hand H said a few times he is not sure about any of this.
On the other he said he doesn't want to be in limbo any longer.
I asked him if he had thought it through, to calling me his ex-wife, how he will feel the first Christmas he is not with the kids b/c his new wife wants him at home, etc. He said he hadn't thought that far down the line...
I asked why he would want me to co-sign, he said b/c he doesn't think he can get a house without me, and it wouldn't be doing it for him, it would be so he can give the kids a place to live without going up to Omaha for an apartment...
He said he didn't realize I would go right for a lawyer, I said I didn't realize he would go right for a new house...I thought it was all moving fast, he agreed. H wants a mediator, he thinks lawyers will complicate everything and cost way too much in the end. He wants to split our total income 50/50 but keep his debts as his (truck/tractor, an extra $1300/mo for him), and split the other debts (Nebraska Furniture Mart), and I keep my debt (Discover card). But he assured me he will pay off the discover card and the two cattle trailers, plus the Neb Furn Mart with his January bonus. I said if we keep it simple we could be divorced by New Year's, are you ready to be divorced?
H said he didn't know what else to do....he couldn't be in limbo any more. I said neither could I, I just had a different solution to the problem of limbo (fixing it).
This morning I asked H if he had told his parents...he said he didn't think he needed to do that yet. WTF? I wonder if he wants to wait until his mom has her surgery.
On a different note, H commented after putting the kids to bed last night that D was sure fighting going to bed, she was hard to get to sleep, etc.....I said yeah, I know she is hard to put to bed...he looked at me and I could tell he realized what an a$$ he had been Sunday night when I was trying to get her to sleep.
Sunday night, your H was looking for a confrontation. If it was not your daughter and the difficulties to put her to bed, it would have been something else.
I wonder what he means by being in limbo. I have said this I do not know how many times. A large percentage of WAS have someone else in the wings (at the very least).....that is not what I call limbo....that is not what I call trying to make it work. I hope i am wrong but my own experience and the sitches i have read here all point in the same general direction. The only chance we have is to really drop the rope and move on and wait to see if our WAS come back to their senses. However, like we have seen in some cases when the WAS wants to come back it is too late. BBJ, i feel for you but sometimes I can't help but wonder if we all will not be better off in the long run.
On one hand H said a few times he is not sure about any of this.
Dan, Dan , Dan..his actions speak louder than his words. The WAS actions always speak louder..
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On the other he said he doesn't want to be in limbo any longer.
Limbo?? Interesting..He's been acting like he is working onthe M..How is that Limbo?? His limbo is waiting for him....I'm afraid..I think she is back or he has a new one.
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I asked him if he had thought it through, to calling me his ex-wife, how he will feel the first Christmas he is not with the kids b/c his new wife wants him at home, etc. He said he hadn't thought that far down the line...
he won't deal with all that guilt right now. he knows if he pushes that back that when it does come up he will have to deal with it for a shorter period of time..when it happens..
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This morning I asked H if he had told his parents...he said he didn't think he needed to do that yet. WTF? I wonder if he wants to wait until his mom has her surgery.
he will wait until the last possible minute..he knows if he waits until then that will be two less people he has to listen to.
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On a different note, H commented after putting the kids to bed last night that D was sure fighting going to bed, she was hard to get to sleep, etc.....I said yeah, I know she is hard to put to bed...he looked at me and I could tell he realized what an a$$ he had been Sunday night when I was trying to get her to sleep.
Hi BBJ. There was a fire in one of the rooms at my school early in the morning so I am home today. Luckily for me there was no damage to my room.
Limbo.....hmm. And who created the that limbo?! Of course Dan hasn't thought this through and he has no idea what is coming in the future. He has only thought about how this is an easy out for him. H doesn't need you to co-sign for a house. Trust me, H didn't sign on my loan and they figured the house H kept in as one of my debts. I'm sure your H makes a lot more than I do as a teacher. H even signed a paper giving up any rights to my new house. Our state is 50-50 for debts and assests. If you don't use a lawyer please make sure everything is spelled out very clearly in whatever you sign.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Face it. The guy doesn't know what he wants. He is hurting inside and has no idea how to fix it. He is too proud to seek help for himself and may even refuse to believe deep down that he is the root of his own problems. He is flailing about right now. Remember the drowning swimmer? Not to be cold, but unless he gets some help for himself I'm worried about what he does after the divorce. He is going to be miserable and the "moral" boundaries that kept his behavior in line will be gone. He is going to be lonely and have a big hole in him he is going to try to fill.
This isn't about you. This is about his issues. He has no idea how to be happy does he?
Good. He's wavering already. That means that what you are doing is working. He's making the biggest mistake of his life, and someone needs to make him face some conseqences for his actions instead of allowing him to blame someone else for where he ends up. You need to calmly and resolutely go out to that fence he loves sitting on and affix many layers of really pokey barbed wire to the top.
He has been given the tools to fix things. I don't believe he doesn't know what he wants... that is a decision; one he made many years ago, as a matter of fact. He isn't trying to love you, he is trying to make you quit. Right now he doesn't deserve the family that had faith and gave their hearts to him.
He knows what to do. You have done an incredible job, BBJ, and while I initially thought he was too stressed out to do this, his actions, when given the space and time to choose, prove otherwise. You aren't the one pressuring him, BBJ.
You take care of you and your kids. The rest is his baby to rock and if he wants to be there for his kids, he will find a way. Don't make this easy for him... the boy needs to face the reality of what he is doing!
Sara and Mike are right. It's time for him to grow up. We don't come into this world deserving a "great life" and happiness, we are responsible for creating it. You gave this your all and he took advantage of your deep, unconditional, love for him and dream for your family.
You will find new dreams honey, because he may be able to crush those dreams for now, but he can't crush your spirit.
This is when "love must be tough". Go Kalni Sunshine on his a$$!
Bedtime. Excellent reason for getting divorced. LOL.
My daughter was a night person. Boy, she had fun at night. I gave her benedryl before bedtime and it worked.
I think it's Runningoutoftime who talks about how she brought her H around. She talked to him about her fantasies of what I great life she would have with her next husband. How she would find someone who loved children. And the kids would love him.... Dan hasn't thought far ahead. He is a quitter. You are a fighter.
Bedtime. Excellent reason for getting divorced. LOL.
My daughter was a night person. Boy, she had fun at night. I gave her benedryl before bedtime and it worked.
I think it's Runningoutoftime who talks about how she brought her H around. She talked to him about her fantasies of what I great life she would have with her next husband. How she would find someone who loved children. And the kids would love him.... Dan hasn't thought far ahead. He is a quitter. You are a fighter.
I like this post Sara
Yes..the kids won't get in bed because you don't have them here on time..I'm done..We need to figure out how to split stuff up..
Why WAS--why not just label em all batchitt crazy.
Keep on keeping on BBJ..I have all the faith in the world in you. Don't let "old Pity party" rain on you.
I am not sure how badly I want my H around at this point. OK Lets be honest
I do not want this husband or this marriage. I am fine with getting a divorce from this particular relationship
However
I would love the opportunity to have a new relationship with the father of my children, the man who was so romantic and caring and giving so many times in the first 10 years of our dating/marriage relationship (we started dating 16 1/2 yrs ago).
Again, However
H shows no signs of being able to return to that person. And maybe he shouldn't b/c that person turned in to the one who was willing to throw our relationship away. He would probably have to burn to the ground himself in order to start over from scratch with a new perspective
Which brings me to
Those of you who posted that he may go south from this point on, and after the D, I agree. H is depressed whether he admits it or not. He has problems with frustration and rage. I honestly think it is possible he could:
1)Try to and/or succeed at killing himself, b/c of the guilt, anger, frustration and sense of hopelessness. Esp. once the divorce goes through, his kids cry and ask for me when they are with him, he actually lives the life of a divorced man (family events that feel awkward b/c now everyone "knows" our situation, asking the boss for time off to handle aspects of the divorce, changing payroll to deposit money into xw's account, etc). That possibility is scary to me but I don't think I can "save" him from it any more than I can save him from himself now...
2)Act out by drinking, hooking up with random women, online porn, porn magazines, continuing to lie and manipulate people: This could cause him to lose his job, his cattle enterprise, and the opportunity to spend overnights with his children. I don't know that this will happen but I am sure he will have to medicate himself somehow to block out the reality of his choices.
3)Turn right around and marry the OW: This would be if she is still in the picture. I don't think she is right now even though you all seem to think she is. However, if she is still available wherever she is, and he is lonely and lost and unable to admit it to me, that would be one way he might go. Just pick her and tell himself it was the right choice. It won't be, she would manipulate and use the hell out of him, but it isn't my choice to make. Then there is a chance he would
1)Hit rock bottom and realize, in the dark of night when he is not running on all cylinders to escape his choices, that he made a colossal mistake. Have what some call a "come to Jesus" moment (I call it an Ebeneezer Scrooge moment) where he sees for the first time what has really happened and his role in it. Only something like this would lead to true change and true growth, in my opinion.
