God grant me the patience and the strength...8

[theotherhalf]

What do you mean about def of NC

What I was saying is that I am no longer contacting him for any reason other that business or kids.

Before last night I was acting alot more aloof. The impression I am giving him his that I don't give a d*mb what he does anymore. And some of it is not "acting". I really am feeling "whatever H". I don't ask. I don't check. I almost really don't care, doesn't matter anyway. Like I told my sister last night. "Of course I want him here, of course I want him to stay, but if I have to ask, or beg, or if I'm just going to get hurt again..."whatever H"." Honestly when he walked in the door last night I couldn't even look at him. And I wanted to say "what do you want?".

BUT! Always a BUT...In my heart, nothing has changed.

I have read many many times on these boards that LBS dream about their H/W. I never have. In 18months I've never had a dream about H or if I did, I didn't remember it. That has bothered me.

Last night I dreamt of my H. I dreamt that he was comparing me to an old neighbor lady. (This lady is the nicest. She is very talented. Cooks, sews, very family oriented, works dang hard, helped her H farm. Everyone loves her.)He said "when I think of you I think of May, only you don't hold a candle to her (grinning). And if I ask to come home..." Thats all I remember. Wierd??? Thinking thismorning...what did that mean?...

The sex thing last night is bothering me as well. We are both so gaurded and it's really only "sex". I don't have a clue how to tear the walls down and just be "real" with him. Last night was a repeat of the past. He suggested, we go to bed and have sex, that's it. No kissing, no passion. I imagine him kissing me, taking my clothes off, and I his.

I want to be ME. I want to play with him. Kiss him out of the blue. Hug him. Really flirt with him, have fun with him. It's been a very long time since we have been this way with each other. That is some of what hurt our M. I want that again. I want to be that "dersirable" woman. But right now, I am afraid. I am afraid to push. To be too forward.

Last night I was disappointed and it worries me. If he was "checking" the waters, he'll run. If he was seeing if there was still a connection. Ouch.

Blah, Blah, Blah. Sorry just venting...