I woke up at 3 this morning. I don't know why. Just woke. So my head has sort of been going and I wanted to clear it. One of you ladies called OW(?)my competition. Well I don't look at her that way anymore. I have spent my whole life competing for something I could never seem to get. Growing up, it was to be loved by my parents. Even as an adult, I am the most successful of the 5 of us, the most stable, but I still can't seem to be good enough for them. With H, I always felt like i was in a competition for his attention, with whatever he was showing interest in that day. Whether it was my son, OW, TV, fishing, work, school. I just have never been good enough to even warrant a little bit of attention. At least that is how I have felt. I can't do that to myself anymore. So the reality is I don't really care what she looks like, how she makes him feel, how special she is because it serves me no purpose.
Changes I'm making are for me. If it benefits my M, that is great. If it doesn't, well I will know I am a better person because I have cleared away a lot of my crap. I am pursuing my dreams, finally. I know what my personal path is right now and we will see what the future holds.
The alien returned yesterday. Just anger. I could almost care less as I expected it after Monday. Just going along. If H ever decides to join real life again that will be his choice.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
