Back to life, back to reality?

[istherehope]

Hi Sep, Ali, and Opt,

Opt--I'd never had this talk before. That's why I am taking it so seriously. All along he gave hope, even if very faint. H DID have severe depression, and he says he's not depressed now, only unhappy because he's in a bad marriage. He has been seeing a psychotherapist, but he hasn't talked to me about this recently.

Ali--yes, seriously mixed messages. I don't think he is aware of the fact that his actions mean more than, and contradict, his words. I will not be telling him this though.

Sep--Yes I'm going to just go for 1 night, so I don't have to lug around a bunch of stuff, and will send a quick email just as I leave the office. If we can avoid any big talks in the near future, I think I will just keep him on his toes by coming and going every now and then, without advance notice.

All--last night after I posted this, I was still upstairs on my laptop, and he called out "come on, let's go to bed." Weird that he showed that level of interest in me. So I said I'd be there soon, but then I heard him get on his computer. Pretty sure he read the email I sent. It was pretty long, a bit harsh, and so anti-DB. When I got in the room he was all quiet and weird. So I just turned away from him to go to sleep. He woke up during the night, well early morning, like 5 AM, and started poking at me. Once he grabbed my arm, then pushed it away as if I had been trying to grab him. He did this again. Then he ran his hand on my stomach and said I was too skinny like a war victim. He made jokes about how thin I was and how I have this pair of pants that I used to fill out but that now were baggy on me. He grabbed my nose, held my ear, etc. Then he said "you make me mad." This is something he'd say in the past, but not about things that actually made him mad, just about silly things. I said "oh I guess I have a lot of power then." Then I just said "good night", and turned over.

Now I am up. It's 9 AM and he's still in bed. I am going to leave to go to the office soon, and hope to avoid any conversations in the meantime. Let's see if he respects my no email, no IM wishes.

Thing is that I KNOW if we can ride this out and actually be around each other, there is a very good chance that he will come around as we really do enjoy each other's company and get along really well. Feeling pretty weird about that email I sent last night. It could be really good or really bad. I laid into him pretty harshly. It was not one where I tried to spare his feelings.

Ugh he's up now. He just asked me if I was going to work today, we talked about me going to the doctor, then he asked if I fed the dogs. He called me "bad dog mom" a few times since I hadn't fed them.

ITH