Hey Max, sorry I've been invisible here. I've been busy with the kids - when I have 'em on the weekends I don't come onto this site at all. Seems like you are keeping your mind on your own business, which is great.
As for stories that might bring hope to you... there are a few. Seems to me you have asked for this before. But... if you look for stories, here or elsewhere, where infidelity is discovered, there will be many more stories where the marriage does not survive. Sad. Maybe not very encouraging. But also not surprising. It takes a great deal of strength and desire on both sides to rebuild a marriage after a situation like that.
I think you know what it takes - you have seen first-hand how hard it is to do the right thing - back off, get a life, act "as if", act with grace, pick yourself up after you fall, etc. And because it is so hard, not many people can walk that path.
Here's the thing. It doesn't matter what has happened to other marriages. It doesn't matter that so many other spouses have gotten indignant or impatient, or have hardened their hearts, or have gotten discouraged when things got difficult. Those people are not you.
It doesn't matter what your husband will do, or has done, or is doing. It's interesting but it doesn't matter to you, because you know that the only thing you can control is you.
You need to decide. Decide what you want, what your deal is, and then act accordingly.
I'll tell you what I decided, for myself. I decided I will wait some more. I decided that the paper divorce is not "an end". She used that word to me - "just want to get this nightmare over". And with the four young kids involved, the idea that a divorce decree means the ordeal is "over", is ludicrous. Completely unrealistic. This is the beginning, not the end. This is the beginning of what she asked for. She doesn't even have a rent payment yet! Over?
No, it is not over. It is the beginning of divorced life. I look at it as another stage. All options are open to me. I am prepared to wait a while longer to see if my wife likes what she has gotten. To see if she likes moving into her new house, alone. To see if she likes moving furniture alone. If she likes making her rent payment by herself. IF she likes waving goodbye to the kids as I take them on a family vacation without her. To see if she really wants to value a relationship with her women friends above a relationship with her children's father, the man her kids adore.
Of course I am upset about the divorce. I am not happy with the way things have gone. I don't like it that we are nearly divorced and she is still living rent-free. (It's not about the money, it's about the reality check) I get down sometimes. But I know I cannot control the past nor can I control her aggressive legal maneuvers. All I can do is control myself.
What helps is when I feel good - so, exercise. Sleep enough. Visit friends. Make new friends. Stay positive. Find things to enjoy. You will have to wait for him. The trick is to wait without doing nothing, if you know what I mean.
