Ok update, yes all is going as planned per the book(Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley) sorry put that in case someone pops on and is like what book. Meeting all of his highest emotional needs from the questionnaire i took at the back of the book.
But what I like everyone to remember is that i had almost no contact with H for many many months. This was the only way I knew and felt for myself, to be able to pull back and disengage and reduce the negative emotions between us. If those negative emotions were not reduced there is no way I could have gotten to how it is today. Now I am still fully aware that it can go either way, so I am not fooling myself. But now we have a flirty friendship going, ok girls I am letting you in(H cheated on OW-ask me how I know-ok cuz it was me ha ha ha ha ha). The way I see it, is he is married to me and I am fully married to him. But yet I am still aware it can still go either way, but as bad as it sounds I'm like ha! He cheated on you how ya like them apples. Now I do not recommend this or endorse it per say. I just told him point blank, I have needs. he asked how I'll deal with it afterward and boldly and confidently I said I'll be fine I'll boot you out when I'm done and he smiled. ya see I know that sounds really yucky but for me yes i do have needs(6 months mean anything LOL) but sexually I was the more timid one in the relationship, I never denied but hardly initiated so this is my 180 and I pursued and flirted with him for over 2 weeks now, so he caved. Yes I am fully aware he still can choose not to come home. And I went into understanding and telling myself this is not sex with my H it's with a wayward and I didn't allow myself to get emotionally attached. Now this could have never happened until now, because negative emotions are reduced-remember I had hardly no contact for 5 months, i do not talk about the relationship or the OW at all because it's not confident, I GAL and I think he's surprised because I'm still taking salsa lessons, and implemented the surviving an affair plan. Now this is just what I did. You all have to follow your heart.
Now hope if H has a high admiration need then by all means have him come change that darn battery and give him lots of admiration on how stinking well he took that battery out and saved your life because poor lil old you haven't gotten any sleep, your my hero! LOLOLOL get it> But that only works on the guys with that as the top need. Personally I dont care if you've finished the book, go today and dot the test very honestly as if it was him answering and start implementing those top 5 then keep reading the book. Its really important as the book says to start filling H love bank asap and you can't do that if you don't know what the top 5 needs are, then DO NOT commit any love busters, so be sure to read that part.
I really wish you could create some heat at work by exposure. IT would make things deteriorate faster. Had you thought if he is draining all your money and you may have nothing left and a pile of debt anyways maybe work exposure isn't going to be any worse? With all the co-workers frowning upon them it's sure to dampen the fantasy big time!
But I really want you to read the love buster chapter, its hard ,but its good because i had to find out where i may have fell short in the marriage(no it does not make it acceptable) and helped create a possible atmosphere for the A. Then concentrate on not committing the Love busters.
I'm glad exposure is going to work with SIL. good move, break that bubble they live in and bring them to reality. Reality has not hit yet. More in a bit gotta do more chores.....
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
So through this whole thing we have had no LS agreement. I have been trusting him to provide as he said he would. We did get behind in our house payment and are in process of modification as we speak. , but it was due to his demotion caused by lack of sales. He just told me he got his position back and things are starting to get better.
So I'm thinking how I can meet an Admiration need, so I send him this email yesterday morning. It said basically thanks for the great job on my brakes and also I just wanted to thank you for providing financially for the kids and I and for keeping your word. I have tremendous respect for you that you have done this because when an OW gets in the picture i know it can be hard, but I just want you to know how I appreciate you for taking care of us.
SO GUESS WHAT GUYS?? Last night he says to me hey I had to borrow $12 bucks from our joint account because I put the whole check in. HOLY COW, I met that emotional need and he put the WHOLE check in! So I say well thanks but are you able to care for your self and eat, and he says yeah I think so I may need to borrow a few buck during the week.
Anyways I can surely see the power of meeting an emotional need, It'll make someone do almost anything-commit an affair or possibly come home. This is why I love the book Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley. Its amazing the power of an emotional need.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
T2L, you are our hero, we were really getting into the depression weeds here -- maybe with me leading the way!
Can you run a morning class where we can all call in and you can give us a pep talk!!! lol cheaper than DB counseling. I think part of my problem is dealing with the family/friends when I leave for X-mas and leaving him here. I have to drop the rope on this.
I think I was at the point you were a few months into it, anger, depression, thoughts of killing the OW (remember I am Italian) but as always you have inspired me...
Now first -- you little vixen ---OMG - you have won this battle and I hope you win the war! Whoa Whoa. How was it? I am soooo jealous. How I want to get to that point and I loved how you handled it. He had to cave when you made no demands. We will have to talk more how you led up to this. I have to be positive for the future. You are officially the other other woman ;-)
Well I did make the call to H about that little battery. He was at his apt for lunch so he said he would run over to look at it. I told him how hard I tried to climb the ladder but I could not reach it. H said of course you could not reach it, I will take care of it for you. Then we chatted some more about work and then he says "I want to tell you how good you looked Saturday night -- you have lost some serious weight and you looked very pretty with the way you did your hair!!!!" I said thank you. Then H says anytime you want to go out just ask me and I will stop in to check on Colleen or take her where she needs to be. Just try to give me advance notice. (grrrrr) You need to go out and I want you to enjoy yourself. I said that would be nice but usually I go out last minute depending on my plans (mysterious). I also told him how great the Irish band was and they played all the kind of music he loves. H asked alot of questions about it.
H then said I have been trying to cut down on junk food (what about all the booze?? -- to myself of course), so I said that is just GREAT, I know once you start you always do so well -- good for you (yes admiration is right up there with sex - #2). H said I will call you later and let you know if I fixed it.
Then I said I got to go I am outside the gym and need time to go work out. H said you are doing so good and I hung up.
So I drive back later and I see H in smoke shack (yes he smokes also), and he waves and I see the expression on his face and then see he is on his "special phone" So I wave and smile and keep going... awwwww.
I go to my desk and I send H and e-mail saying
"I forgot to tell you about the backyard. If you have not gone to our house yet look in the back. Since you have worked in the yard you will see that some flowers are now blooming (I saw a hummingbird out there yesterday) and the plants are much much healthier. Thanks for taking care of the yard because I probably would have killed them all instead! I don't have that green thumb."
So instead of pouting about H calling OW I turned it around and complimented him on working on our yard (It is the size of a postage stamp)!! lol
T2L and rest of stich, I am really trying to find a way to expose OW without firing. T2L, I agree H is racking up debt big time but if H lost his job we could not survive and I worry it would drive H to move in with OW since they both would be fired and penniless! Any suggestions on how to cast at least a shadow on this A, and let them start to get nervous. Right now I think they have no worries because no one would get suspicous since everyone knows me as H's wife. Any good suggestions.
T2L, how is H acting now that you both did the "deed", is he acting guilty or what? I know I keep going back to this but I am floored...!!!
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I am inspired by the results you both got meeting admiration needs. I have not done the quiz, but I think admiration is high on my H's list, too, based on comments he has made recently. I have a night out tonight, no idea what I'll do but the mystery is good for the H, right? I made a mental note to thank him tonight after I get home for buying the groceries this week (usually comes out of my budget) and cleaning the house for me this weekend.
T2L, I think you did a huge 180 with ML and I am positive that your H is thinking about it every minute since you were together!
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
WOW! God I wish, I wish. But H is cold, seems to avoid me like the plague, even when he is here visiting kids. But while I do fantasize about that "moment" I wonder about the risk. I know H is physical with OW (afterall I know they share his bed - thanks to my D11), but if they've had sex, I worry I should be cautious if I ever have that chance again. b/c to be honest, I dont know where the h#$l OW "has been". I know she has been with H 17yr, but who's to say she hasnt cheated with someone else? So if the moment arrives, do I kill it by rejecting? That was one of H issues with me in the first place. Or do I risk my health?. He would not necessarily have had to wear protection if they've had sex b/c he had vasectomy 10yr ago. And with both of them drinking, there's no telling.
JGrind, one step at a time not that we are not all dreaming about that! If you think there is a chance you can always keep condoms on hand. What could H say? better save than sorry. Our goal is to get them to think about ML with us but I know it won't be for awhile. take care
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Understand that protection absolutely and as I stated it's not necessarily a recommendation from me, it's just the way I went. And I am fully aware that this is a walk away spouse that I had an encounter with and not H at least not yet.
Jgrind, I want you to become so disengaged & confident that it starts to puzzle H.
When he comes to visit, cheerfully look him straight in the eyes and say hi there let me get the kids for you and you be the one setting the tone of interaction, you be the one who seems disengaged and very oddly happy and walks away 1st.
Do not hang on his every word or be clingy in any way. He can prob feel and read the body language and can see your dissatisfaction and sadness by his avoiding you, so perk up be cheerful and busy, better yet when he gets there, say wow perfect timing I'm so glad you here the kids are so excited to see you I'll be back later I have errands to do. Bye! Sometimes if I was there when he visited I would be off in my room doing something not giving him the time of day. After a while I think he was more uncomfortable than I was. I used to get on the phone right when he got there and chat and laugh on purpose while he was there. I wanted him to know that he can't steal my joy and to see hey look I'm still alive! Not maliciously but with spunk and confidence.
I did this several times during July when he came to visit and I dressed up really cute like I was going out but sat at the book store up the street for 2 hours. Now those days he was very moody and bothered and would ask the kids where I was at.
It's so super important that we do not become clingy and GAL even in their presence. Its like it empowers them to continue this longer because they know you are lost with out them and you just may wait your whole life. But lets say they can see you GAL trying new things getting out there with girlfriends or whatever, maybe just maybe they start to wonder hmmm maybe she won't wait forever. But all the while your sweet, confident, disengaged just a bit, your GAL'ing like your life depended on it, you set the tone of the calls and visits by ending 1st. You set the tone.
Forgive me guys if I sound redundant, I just want you all to get to that place where your H is attracted to your confidence.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
T2L and rest of stich, I am really trying to find a way to expose OW without firing. T2L, I agree H is racking up debt big time but if H lost his job we could not survive and I worry it would drive H to move in with OW since they both would be fired and penniless! Any suggestions on how to cast at least a shadow on this A, and let them start to get nervous. Right now I think they have no worries because no one would get suspicous since everyone knows me as H's wife. Any good suggestions.
Any ideas on how to rouse suspicion on this A at work without going to the extreme and getting them fired.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hmmm, do you have any close friends who can start some whispering and gossip? Mine moved in with OW, and I wondered and asked my friends, at the time, if this would make them closer. But living in a fantasy world and waking up to that person everyday is a whole other ball game. Eventually in my opinion is they start to realize hey she's just like every other woman. Duh, ya think? Women all have the same universal needs.
Possibly have a friends say they saw them at a place together? Gotta find a way because the fantasy is alive. When others frown upon their behavior it won't be so darn attractive. She seems like she's a gold digger the way he is spending.
Hey everyone I was sent this link. It's for standers of marriages. Check it out. Its really really good. https://rejoiceministries.org/
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca