I so absolutely understand the thoughts that it would have been soooo much easier had they died a physical death instead of a spiritual one. Don't beat yourself up too much -- I have to believe it is a very natural thought.
Shoot! I think we all think that sometimes. I was in my L's a week or 2 ago, and we were going over the financials, and I said just kind of thinking out loud, yeah, I'd be much better off if H died b/c he has a great insurance policy. And you know he has run up a lot of debts you know. Now of course you know, I would never ever think of seriously harming H in any way, I'm a total lamb, but my L I guess is used to dealing with vengeful spouses so she said something to me like "don't even think about that, and gave me some further warning like she thought I might have been seriously contemplating offing my H!!! Which I'm not, but I was "just saying" not thinking of doing or anything!!! Karen
Karen