I so absolutely understand the thoughts that it would have been soooo much easier had they died a physical death instead of a spiritual one. Don't beat yourself up too much -- I have to believe it is a very natural thought.
Shoot! I think we all think that sometimes. I was in my L's a week or 2 ago, and we were going over the financials, and I said just kind of thinking out loud, yeah, I'd be much better off if H died b/c he has a great insurance policy. And you know he has run up a lot of debts you know. Now of course you know, I would never ever think of seriously harming H in any way, I'm a total lamb, but my L I guess is used to dealing with vengeful spouses so she said something to me like "don't even think about that, and gave me some further warning like she thought I might have been seriously contemplating offing my H!!! Which I'm not, but I was "just saying" not thinking of doing or anything!!! Karen
Yeah, I think we've all been there. Even though we truly don't want anything like that to happen to anyone we know and care about (or have cared about in the past), in the case of D, it certainly would make some things much easier.
Another angle to this is it can also work the opposite way... for example, when my husband first filed for D, I felt so devistated I wanted to kill myself. One thing that really helped me to work out of that was to realize... Hey, why should I make this any easier for him?!!! Sheesh, he'd get the house, not have to pay child support or alimony, keep all his retirement... etc...
No way was I going to let him do that!!! Heck, I'd stay alive even if just to spite him!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
When times were really bad i have thoughts of the same thing. But you have really moved on and you are so ready to.
I wish for god's sake he would just give you your space. This is what he wanted, so get on with it already. He's like the little fly that just wouldn't leave.
I know your going to really get to a point where your just going to get mad at him, and so be it. You need to move on with your life.. and if you do start dating, he certainly can't be "hanging" around.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
You've always been a great strategic thinker, looking at the long term goals rather than short term relief. Keep identifying your boundaries, know why you allow certain behavior and have a back up plan in case he doesn't 'get it' when you own the house.
Actually, now that the D is final, you should have him 100% out of the house. Why is he still there at all? Everything is done. Tell him he can go stay at a hotel if he doesn't want to drive home. And if he says he lives too faraway, tell him to rent an apartment closer. This is an excuse, and yes, prior to the D it might be okay. Now it should be 100% over.
And here's your argument for him: As a divorced, single woman you need to insist that NO MEN can stay at your home unless you are married to them!!! This is poor role modeling for your child and you do not want your child to think it's okay for any guys to stay overnight at the house. There should be no excuses or wavering on this.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Oh Root, I LOVE it. You are so right. lwb, he is still using you to get some kind of emotional fix. How long are you going to allow him to take only what he wants just to then walk away? You are so strong and have dealt with this entire awful sitch wonderfully. Now it is time for YOU to take the power back. As long as he keeps sleeping over, it will be hard for you to detach. He chose his path so he can now walk it. You should not have to make it easier for him. You should be looking out for what is best for YOU! Love you (((lwb)))
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
On that passing thought that it would be easier if the ex or soon to be ex spouse were to expire like a gallon of outdated milk... I'm sure they've had the same thought, too. Very convenient when it comes to the wretching business end of divorce.. but then washed away at the thought of the children losing a cherished parent.
I am so glad others have had the same feelings. Its a fleeting thought, really, then washed away (like Gypsy said) because of the pain it would cause the girls. My own xH has said (when I tell him to be careful on the bike) "That would be easier for everyone", and has meant it. I don't think he would ever do anything, but the thought has been there for him. I am sure he has also had it about me as well.
broken, you are right, I definately need more detaching. I think about the situation A LOT during the day. I am worse when I am alone, during the day, without the girls.
Funny, yesterday xH pointed out that I don't 'evict' him when I get home from work. He knows he is wrong. He said to wake him and he will leave. I shall do that from now on.
He makes a ton of things easier for me (I actually get shocked when I sit and think about things), but there are some major things he could do as well. Maybe, for whatever reason, he isn't ready to do those things either, huh?
nocode, lol at the corpse of xH following me around. I loved the way you put that into words, but of course around Halloween, I pictured xH's actual corpse (Hollywood movie style of course), following me around the rest of my life, tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Boo!"
LWB, I too never wished death on my H, but have often thought that D is more painful. It hurts knowing they chose to leave us! You are such a wonderful person. If you can get that "pest" out of your hair, you will have it made. You have many good things ahead of you, I just know it!
Glad you had fun at Boo at the zoo.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
My own xH has said (when I tell him to be careful on the bike) "That would be easier for everyone", and has meant it. I don't think he would ever do anything, but the thought has been there for him. I am sure he has also had it about me as well.
The similarities are endless between these two guys, I tell ya! What is going on here, girlie??!!!
H has said the very exact same thing - word for word - and I have no doubt he's had those thoughts about me as well. Sometimes I honestly felt a little nervous.
Quote:
Funny, yesterday xH pointed out that I don't 'evict' him when I get home from work. He knows he is wrong. He said to wake him and he will leave. I shall do that from now on.
Always easier said than done, huh? I speak from experience.
But you can do this, and you will have the serenity you desire and deserve.
(((((((lwb)))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Karen
