LADYBUG trying to detatch..but doesn't know how.

[cat03]

hon, ladybug, he has not changed ONE bit, he's the same abusive jerk he's always been with you, and now he wants to kick you out and not pay what he should??? why haven't you been to a L yet? by law he has to pay you enough so you can afford to stay in the hous with the kids. long ago you were talking about a SA, what happened? he can't just not pay, for crying out loud, don't give in to his games, call a L and check what can happen and get the ball rolling to protect yourself and the kids.

I KNOW you dont' want the D, neither did i, but our "Hs" are mentally ill with no inkling that they'll ever get their heads on right. Your h has been pushing you and abusing you non stop with his "work on the M - I want a D" line forever now.
Can you afford the house with your pay and his share of child support? you dont' need to file to figure out how much he has to pay you for child support. He is a cop and can't afford to get in trouble with the law about that, trust me, he knows he'll be in deep crap if he doesn't provide for you (my stbx is a cop, I know how that works).

I know you want that man you married, mourn him and quickly move on to defend your right and your chidren's. If there was anything respectable left in him he wouldnt' be doing this to you, if he truly wanted his M he wouldn't be attempting to kick his family to the curb. THis is yet is another of his games so you can give in to his threats.

[jon2911]

Ms b,
Also, remember that filing means NOTHING. My W filed, we went through the waiting period, we divided the stuff, we finalized, and only then did things start to change.

Let him do what he wants. My guess is that once he sees how much child support he'll have to pay you each month, the tune will change...

[ms ladybug]

How can I know how much child support he'll have to pay if we don't file? Is there some sort of calculation?
I know my brother has only 1 child, and has to pay $4000/mo. I'm not sure how they came up with that number, but I know I won't get that much. If h has to be able to afford the house, he can't have too much left over to pay me.

I don't want to post our financial info, but he makes more than I do by about $1600-2000/mo.

[nw626]

Ms B
I found this online but not sure how accurate it is.
http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/childsupport/
I guess it will at least give you a rough estimate. You just need to pick your state and put some numbers in.

Jon and Cat are correct. You need to protect yourself and your children.

Stay strong.....you can do this.

[cat03]

FILE for child support, period. Let him know that since he is planning to not pay for anything after the end of this month that you have no option but to file to make sure the kids and you are provided for. He might be bluffing but call his bluff.
Once you file he has the legal obligation to provide for you, if he doens't respond to the CS request he'll be served by a sheriff, I doubt he wants that. So, either he stops his stupid threats or you file. Dont' wait until the last moment, your kids' future is at risk, stop waiting for him to grow a brain, stop wishing things were different.

Your brother must be loaded and that's why he must pay so much. stbx pays 1,800 per month for both kids and he makes about 45k, it has to do with cost of living on your state, how much you pay for child care and mortgage.

Are you not filing because you dont' want to make him angry? look at the position you are in, he has no regard for you, thus, you must put your and the kids' interest first, he isn't thinking of anyone but him.

[ms ladybug]

OK. I spoke with an atty who was able to do a free phone consultation. She was actually at home sick today, so she'll get back to me tomorrow on actual $ that she thinks I'll get for child support, spousal support, etc...

Basically, I'm entitled to nothing unless papers are filed.

I wanted to avoid filing for divorce, but at this point, I don't see how. H telling me that he'll take care of whatever the kids need, but is not going to pay me a set amount every month isn't going to cut it.

This means....the house is husbands. I MAY be able to afford it with my income plus child support, but I think it would be very tight and saving money would be impossible. Now is a good time to buy when houses are so cheap, so I'd be better off going that route. Filing for divorce would also mean that the equity in the house NOW is half mine. What's half of NOTHING?

It's also EXPENSIVE to divorce. To retain an attorney is $3500 plus the filing fee of $320 (who the heck gets paid $320 to input data into a computer? Filing fee..?)

I did go to the bank last week and opened my very own checking account.

So...now I need to pray, and figure out how to go about this. Collaborative divorce would likely be cheaper, and nicer. I'm going to get the $ numbers from this lady tomorrow, and see what I'm entitled to. Also, WHEN do I want to do this? Initially, I wanted to stay in the house until after the holidays, I still like that idea. I don't know if h will go for it, but I think I have enough to cover my ass alone for 2 months. If I file for divorce, child support will start then, and h would have to give me back payments...but I don't want this to get nasty.

I don't want this at all.

[jon2911]

OK, that all sounds good, good job! I think this will bring a little reality to the situation. No need to do anything now, just get the numbers. If he keeps pushing for end of the month move-out date you can use them. No need to decide who gets the house, etc. Try not to think so far ahead.

Hang in there!

[ms ladybug]

You think it's OK to push for after Christmas? He's having a cow about it.

He also is bringing up 50% custody again. Saying he'll give me $700/mo child support!

[maninmotion]

(((Ladybug)))
I can say with almost 100% certainty that he doesn't get to decide how much child support he pays. Here, it is based on a formula and has to be within 10% of the calculated amount or the court wants to know why. Spousal maintenance is a free for all here, but that is factored into the other parent's income when calculating child support.

At this point, ignore him and what he says about money, about moving out, about everything. When I talked to the attorney here, he said approximately 10% of divorced actually make it to the judge, and a contested divorce with lawyers can easily run $20K and more. My MIL and her ex each spent $20K. Here mediation runs $270/hr and according to their website, most couples can get things done with 6-8 hours of work. That is about $3K.

If I were you, I'd try the mediation route as it's significantly less expensive, but, don't be afraid to get a lawyer involved or the police involved if necessary.

Be safe.

Dan

[jon2911]

Yes, I looked into the mediation route also, even made an appointment. In my case, W wanted divorce to be easy, quick and free. Just not he way it is, unfortunately for the WAS.

Ms b, he's talking out of his a$$ right now, anything he says about money or child support. Tell him about your brother and the $4000 a month.

I know it's hard, but be firm, but nice through all this.