Had 2 hour conversation with ex tonight. Could not get off the phone with him. No anger, just nice talk.
He however does not take any responsibility in the demise of our marriage. Does yours do the same?
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
About a week ago when she got another big bill fom her L she called me to vent. In the course of her vent she said it was my fault we were going through the D (and therefore my fault she had this big bill from her L she hired to D me).
I bit my tounge.
Still hurts.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
About a week ago when she got another big bill fom her L she called me to vent. In the course of her vent she said it was my fault we were going through the D (and therefore my fault she had this big bill from her L she hired to D me).
I bit my tounge. <<<< tongue (he he)
During divorce version 1.0 in 1998, W had a scumbag lawyer who charged her for calling him to ask what she should say to me about x y or z.
she eventually asked me if we could stop fighting (she did the fighting, my lawyer and I simply held our ground.)
It's funny how they see the actual cost rise when they start 'the fight'.
This was supposed to be easy, right? we just say "Oh sweet-kins, let me give you whatever you want, even though you are putting a dagger into my heart. But I love you so much I'll take one for the team.
Been there, done that. now, during divorce 3.0 (2.0 was more of an emotional crash) The crazy thing is that as long as you DON'T take one for the team, you'll get a lot more respect.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Sleeper, your situation is intriguing. what the hell is "the bono style"? did you wear all black, with orange glasses?
Ideally you will reduce contact with her and she will reach out to you. Every time you contact her you will make her laugh or smile or remember something good, which will re-inforce her need to contact you. All this contact will causing OM to become indignant and demanding, and you know the rest.
I wasn't trying to dress like Bono but I did have on a black shirt, black pants and a pair of sunglasses that the young lady remarked looked like his except the lenses are smoke, not orange.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Funny you should ask. There hasn't been much to report until today.
X has been very complimentary of my parenting of late. At times it has caught me off guard. She often thanks me for being such a "wonderful father", etc.
She has been initiating activities for the four of us together more and more. Simple things like lunch together. This weekend she invited me to go with her and kids to a carnival. This was the first invite other than lunch. I balked at first not knowing what to make of it or what I wanted to do. She immediately backed off and seemed a little irritated that I might turn her down. I ended up going and we had a great time. She called afterward and thanked me for going and also for our, "wonderful children, so full of life." It's like a new alien has posessd my X in the past couple of months.
So today the other shoe dropped (insert old time radio sound effect of something falling; "bam!").
X picked up kids from school and I met her at a park to pick kids up as it is my week. X has been all too available and willing to do such things of late. After leaving, DD asked if I and X were "fighting." I told her no and asked why. She said X was fighting with someone on the phone and she concluded it must have been OM since it wasn't me. I asked why and she responded, "X wants to be best friends with OM but OM just wants to be friends." She continued telling me X told her a week or so ago to be sure how a boy feels about you before dating him. How rich.
This segues with my observation of late that OM hasn't been around much. In the beginning I believed X was using him and later I thought they were using each other but now it seems OM was using X. I wouldn't be surprised if OM already has another chick lined up. What a POS. Part of me wants to punch him in the nose for this. How twisted is that? But I shouldn't be so judgemental. What if he has had a change of heart, has seen the error of his ways?
Is it Karma?
Is it Newtonian? ("For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction".)
Methinks maybe the recent niceness towards me by X is an attempt to maintain me as plan "B" or possibly a reaction born of her insecurities. I'm not entertaining the idea that she might want me back.
I think I need to go dimmer.
I think I might speed things along by going on a date.
Last edited by sleeper; 10/28/0802:15 AM.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Methinks maybe the recent niceness towards me by X is an attempt to maintain me as plan "B" or possibly a reaction born of her insecurities. I'm not entertaining the idea that she might want me back.
I think I need to go dimmer.
I think I might speed things along by going on a date.
I'll vote for insecurities. I think you DO need to go dimmer - for her sake. In order to be in any kind of healthy relationship with ANYONE, she has to evolve beyond the person she currently is.
Her cycles and patterns don't work in the 'real world'.
Unfortunately, You are the only person in her life who truly understands this. So, it puts you in the uncomfortable position of having your last act of love being letting her crash and be hurt.
And no you're not twisted in wanting to punch him in the nose. You're bound by your love and commitment to her forever. You CHOSE her so you could be her knight. You'll always feel that way. With or without her.
I know I do.
I also expect that I will be divorced and with someone more like me.
But I'll probably never stop wanting to protect her.
I just shouldn't. Or she won't learn nuthin.
My counselor said to think of it as 'loving her from a distance'.
I do think you are providing the "family guy" need for your W as you suspect. Much as I do for my W . You have also been the one certain person in her life. despite everything you have not turned your back on her. OM has finaly shown his true colours and she will lean on you for support I guess. You obviously have 2 choices now , one to provide that support and be her friend. How this will work out who knows? Possibly could be used until she finds a new OM ? The other is to pull the rug out and offer no support , that may force her to make the tough decisions she needs to make if she realy wants you to be part of her life. I think you have done enough ground work for her to really miss that . I think like me that is not in your nature .
Good luck , I feel things are only just starting to get interesting for you.
