No 2x4 here, unless that is a new drink. In that case I will toast one to you.
Stand your ground on the price of the house, relative to terms of the D. I am not a realtor. I would not be surprised for you both to be required to produce a copy of the decree for closing.
I had to when I bought out X on my home. No one wants to get near closing to find out a legal decree voids the sale conditions. Your realtor is getting paid to deal with all obstacles to a sale. Ask if you should provide copy of decree now just to avoid future confusion or misrepresentation that could put JA in contempt of court. Realtors face this all the time. Let the realtor expain things to JA. Not your job.
Getting your best return on the house you are forced to leave is something you deserve. Sad part is, JA will also benefit in the end. Still won't make him a nice guy.
Find a way to become comfortable with rebuking his demands. He can not expect to control your life any longer. You may feel like he does sometimes. When that happens, you are too close. Step back and consider what you should do to in each case to draw a simple line of self respect.
When he leaves messages "telling" you to have the boys call him "tonight" ... you do not have to. You can let the boys know he called and leave it at that. You can tell them he would like them to call and leave it at that. When he demands to know why you did not make them call, state clearly and calmly "You did not ask me to. You told me to. You do not get to tell me what to do. Tell him to get used to having his demands ignored, and his requests given fair consideration."
But understand this is a two way street. There are things you will want to demand he do, or not do, regarding visitations. Some will be impossible to control. Some will be violated just so he can prove he doesn't respect your wishes. He clearly does not respect the best interest of the boys. Expect this from him.
Try to breath deep when you feel it welling up inside, and "ask" him to consider your requests as long as they are consistent with terms of the decree ... as you would ask nothing more.
When my sons were toddlers my X wanted to put our home on the market the first day of December. I thought "who wants to buy and move in December and didn't worry about it". The next day we had a contract involving a corporate relocation that required the new owner to occupy by Christmas. How friggin convenient. We put everything in storage and lived in a spare room at my folks home while we hunted a house, every day and every night for a month.
I regret you are forced to go through this. I believe you will make it. I believe you will reach a day that you can look back on it without it eating a hole in your stomach. You must also believe, and know that you are going to find your way ... one day at a time for now.
You know the drill ... eat, exercise, rest ... take care of yourself and believe in better days.
mrsH, Was2sad said it perfectly!! "get used to having your demands ignored and your requests given fair consideration" I LOVE THIS...it is to the point and nicely said...say it with no emotion and let JA steam!
I am sorry about your house. I am glad you called JA on low balling the price. Black and white is black and white so if the writing says 5% that is what it is...good for you for not giving in.
take care of you and the boys...You are getting no 2x4's from me because D stinks, you are in the midst of it and to he!! with him if he is trying to make your life worse!! Go ahead and tell him off if his actions warrant it. I know he then will know he got to you but at this point who cares what he thinks!! Stick your ground MrsH!!
I did notice how he blew off the OW in the bed comment...he knows he is wrong and has no comeback.
Today is JA's birthday. He came to get the kids and went out to dinner with the boys and his wh*re.
I did not wish him a happy bday either. He said goodbye to me when he dropped the kids off and I didn't say goodbye back. As a matter of fact I don't think I said anything to him.
I have been getting terrible headaches from the stress and I think I have a sinus infection on top of it.
I have a major test tomorrow and then this weekend I will start to pack up my house.
I am sorry you are going through this. JA will reap what he sows.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Take great care of yourself now. Get well. I hope the sell met reasonable expectations and that you did not sacrifice anything extra to make JA go away. He ain't going anywhere. He will always want more, something to control, some influence over you.
Breath deeply and pray hard. Your answers will appear as you need them, but maybe not too quickly or clearly. You will have to look for them to appreciate them, they will come.
Good luck on your test! I am in the middle of a huge research project and paper and instead of doing research I am typing to you!! I really like what W2S said about your answers!! I believe that wholeheartedly!!
I have not been on in a few days, can't seem to shake this sickness I have.
W2S,
Quote:
He ain't going anywhere. He will always want more, something to control, some influence over you.
This is exactly what I keep telling my family members. They think that selling the house is the last main hold JA has on me so they think he will have nothing to harass me about. I keep telling them it won't make any difference, he will always find something to harass me about.
Ok, I never gave the details to how I told JA off the other day.
Just a warning to newbies....My tell-off is not something that I recommend. I only did it because JA has been gone for well over 2 years, has not changed one bit, the divorce is practically final, I felt I had nothing else to lose, and it's about time JA heard MY feelings".
Ok, I will try to remember everything that was said but I know it's not going to be in the exact order it happened in.
Here it goes...
I called JA to find out if we both were agreeing to the sale price of the house.
JA: Yeah. You know we are doing a good thing here though. Even though we are taking a low offer for it, we are giving it to an Iraq war veteran and his family.
Me: DON'T FEED ME THAT BULLSH!T! The only thing you care about is that you get your money so you can run out and buy a house with your wh*re. You don't even give a crap that the boys and I are being forced out of our home during the holidays.
JA: Well I hope you have a nice place to go
Me: Yeah right. You couldn't give a crap if we had to live in a cardboard box as long as when they boys are with you they lived just fine.
JA: Why would you say that. You are making it out that I don't love those boys. I love them very much.
Me: I didn't say you don't love them but you obviously love yourself more and have been that way for the last 3 years.
JA: Why would you say that?
Me: Because you are selfish and put yourself first before the boys. If they came first you would of never of walked out of our marriage for someone else and you would of worked on our marriage. You know one day I hope you fall flat on your as$ and realize what you did.
JA: I'M ALREADY ON MY ASS!
Me: And on day when I start to date someone I hope you find out exactly how it feels to feel replaced, especially in your parental role.
JA: Well I know one thing, when you do start dating someone I won't be calling them names like you are calling her.
Me: Well lets see....She tried to get involved with Eric when he was engaged with Nancy, then she got involved with a guy that was already engaged, and then she got involved with you...a married man, came to OUR house, most likely fooled around with you on OUR couch while OUR wedding pictures were right behind you, then ran out the back door when she heard me coming home...YEP! Sounds like a wh*re to me!
JA: You hate me.
Me: I don't hate you, I hate who you have become. What the h^ll happened to you over the last 3 years? You have become someone who no one respects. And besides which, you want me to hate you because then you feel justified in what you have done and are continually doing. I tried to be your friend over the last couple of years but it got me no where. All you do is treat me like crap. You treat me like I am the one who had the affair and walked out the door. Well I am not going to take your crap anymore.
JA: It just goes to show you that you weren't being real when you tried to be my friend because now you are screaming at me.
Me: Please! Well being your friend got me no where. You want me to hate you, so congrats I hate you!
JA: I thought you were Catholic. You know Catholics are supposed to be very forgiving.
Me: It's very hard to forgive someone that shows no remorse.
JA: I never thought divorce was going to be like this.
Me: How did you think it was going to be?
JA: I thought we would just go our separate ways, split everything 50/50, share custody of the kids and remain good friends.
Me: And you probably expected me to be good friends with your girlfriend too, huh? Your an idiot. Everyone was telling you, including me what would happen if you got a divorce but you wouldn't listen. All you wanted to hear was you can go have fun, fun, fun now. I even remember when you walked out the door on me that you said "I don't care how much it will cost, I just want my happiness and freedom". So now it's costing you XXXX a month so don't go b!tching to me. I hope your "happiness and freedom" was worth it.
JA: You know I never thought that you would take those boys away from me.
Me: Well I never thought you would have an affair but you did.
JA: Oh so you did do it out of revenge?
Me: No, as a matter of fact in the beginning I didn't want to go for sole custody. You want to know the day I decided to go for sole custody? It was the day S4 was in the hospital on Christmas Eve and they thought he had pneumonia. So I called you up to tell you that S4 was asking for you but you said you couldn't come because you had a Christmas party to go to. Your damn social life is more important than your kids! When I got off the phone with you, S4 said to me "Daddy not coming?" And I had to say to him "No buddy, Daddy not coming" and he started to cry. I then realized how damn selfish you were and that's when I realized I did need sole custody!
JA: You told me not to come!
Me: That's total BS!
I don't remember anything else at this time that was said but I hung up with him and told him to have a nice life.
Friday he came to pick the boys up. I picked S7 up from school so I could have time with him before JA whisked him away at the bus stop. He is not supposed to be picking him up from there and I am tired of him making a scence in front of S7. So I picked him up and the 3 of us went to the library to return their books and pick out new ones.
JA texts me at 3:50pm and asked where we were. (He doesn't get them until 4pm) I texted him back we were on our way.
Then I got stuck in traffic so I called him and said "I am stuck in traffic at the 5-corners so I am running late."
JA: yeah, I got stuck in the same traffic. I am at the bus stop, so I will see you when you get here."
Me: ok.
It was 3:55pm, so I assumed S7's bus already came and left. I was wondering why then he was at the bus stop so I called him back.
Me: I have s7 in the car
JA: What?
Me: yeah, I picked him up so I am wondering why you are at the bus stop
JA: I am waiting to get him off the bus.
Me: Oh, I figured the bus already came. They must of got stuck in this traffic too.
JA: yeah, alright, I will meet you at home then, take your time.
Anyway, the kids went off to have their "fun".
I am trying to do some packing but keep procastinating. I just wish this cold, sore throat will go away.
No word yet on the exact closing date or when we are going to contract.
Ow must be estatic as her and JA are going house hunting together.
Oh, I know what I told him toward the end. I said "So now you are going to buy a house with your wh*re, probably have some kids and you are going to try and start your life over again with someone else. It's just easier that way for you, huh?
