TnGuy's Thread

[Bagheera]

Thanks for your answers, TnGuy, and sorry for the ambiguous questions. Let me give you some comments on your answers and clarify the ones that I didn't make clear.


(1) Has she, past or present, explored her own sexuality in any way?
(A) I'm not sure exactly what you're asking with this one. Please clarify.

I was being rather general with this one, but what I was wondering was: would she consider herself to be a sensual/sexual person? Has she, now or in the past, taken an active interest in sensual/sexual pleasures (either with herself, previous partners, or with you) or has she explored or experimented with anything new over the years?

(2) Does she masturbate?
(A) She says no, and I've never caught her doing so.

This fact works to your disadvantage, if you're trying to get her to be more sexually frequent and explorative with herself (and you) now. She needs the ability to figure out how her body works on her own, which will then spill over in a positive way into your own lovemaking. Have you ever tried buying her a vibrator? As a gift from you, that is, if it has your blessings, she might try it out. DanceQueen and I have our personal favorites to recommend, but I won't go into that at this moment.

(3) How do you feel about masturbation, yourself?
(A) Nothing wrong with it, but an obsessive focus on it is harmful.

Fair enough --> there are lots of religious folks who would disagree, so I thought I'd check.

(4) Does she touch and try to pleasure you during sex?
(A) If you mean while we're having intercourse, I don't see how that is possible. Please clarify.

I define "sex" as anything from foreplay to post-play and everything in between. Does she touch, stroke, or kiss your body, particularly in erogenous zones? Does she touch your genitals and stroke your penis? Does she ever do anything to bring you to orgasm outside of intercourse?

(5) Does she permit you to try to pleasure her to orgasm?
(A) This has never been a problem.She usually has 2-3 orgasms before I have mine. We are somewhat different in size, so the skin/hair/muscle above my genitals is pressing into and stimulating her clitoris during intercourse fairly consistently.

You're one of the lucky ones, then. Only about 25% of women can reach orgasm through intercourse alone (without direct clitoral stimulation).

(6) Have you been able to successfully stimulate her clitorally to orgasm?
(A) If you mean manually, yes. This was more frequent when we were dating, as we did not have intercourse until a week before our wedding.

Again, good for you. The fact that she is orgasmic is a huge PLUS on your behalf, and bodes well for further exploration.

(7) Do either of you give / receive oral stimulation?
(A) She'll do it for me briefly (not to orgasm) if I ask. I have done so for her in the past, but I've never been able to bring her to orgasm orally. My jaws tire out first.

Doing either of these (giving and receiving oral stimulation) varies greatly from woman to woman. Providing oral stimulation to you may be something that can be developed (and that she can enjoy). As for you pleasuring her this way, you might want to pick up a copy of Ian Kerner's She Comes First and give it a read -- it's a VERY informative read on female anatomy, the female arousal cycle, and oral techniques that work well and DON'T kill your jaw.

AASECT, by the way, stands for American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. It the certifying agency for sex therapists, and their website has a search feature that will let you find therapists in your area. If you don't like my link, then Google them.

My impression, TnGuy, is that you and your wife have fallen into a regular pattern (an oft repeated 'sex script') of intercourse-oriented sexual encounters. And like many couples, you've found that over the years, this gets to be predictable and somewhat boring --> one or the other or both of you begin to lose interest in sex...it becomes 'stale.' I'm not saying that *every* sexual encounter has to be unique and exciting -- 'predictable' sex is safe and comforting and works a lot of the time -- but perhaps it is time to start introducing some variety and spice on occasion: be playful, try new things, develop new skills, change it up every now and then.

Pick up a copy of DQ's favorite: The Guide to Getting it On, by Paul Joannides. I prefer this fat volume over the revised classic The Joy of Sex, which tends to be a little shallow in coverage of topics.

In the meantime, make sure that you are romancing her, making her feel cherished, and practicing the art of seduction when it comes to trying to tumble her into bed. You already have a copy of The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women, so you know what I'm talking about.

That's enough for now -- I hope that gets you started, or at least thinking (or debating with me -- that works too).

Bagheera