Thanks again for your support. I know what is in front of me and yes, she has some ways to go. I have researched this to death and back. I have spoken with a few people I know that have gone through it and survived. All told me it was worth it in the end, things are better, but again, no guarantees. I am posturing myself for life without her. Have looked across the street a couple of times myself, but realisticaly I am too busy at this point.
Yes things willdefinitely be different, good or bad, but I believe I am now a better and stronger person. It will be 3 months this coming sunday. A milestone I am not happy about. I have my plan in place, my strategy if you will. I have a hard line to follow, but I will avoid her roller coastr ride. I am sure she is going through all the pain and anguish I am hearing that she is going through. she is in a fog, of that I have no doubt. Db'ng is good for me. She will hit bottom as I have been told over and over again. Unfortunately I have been keeping her afloat, but that has now ended. Her real crisis is coming, I know it, we all know it, she has no clue. I am still in pain, love her with all my being, but I will not be anyone's doormat. She will face her consequences, and she will see the severity of what she has done. I have been told on another website, that tough love is all I can do. As you all of indicated here, until she sees, really sees, what is going on, nothing is going to help our relationship. I don't listen to other people, but I am watching. I see small things, the baby steps. I don't ask opinions, I don't raise my hopes. When the signs are there, I write them down, I do the things in my jhournal that need to be done. I have my hope and my faith in what I believe. I can't be what I'm not, and I won't discard my hope because of the pain I am in now. If I do, then she was right, we have grown apart and it will never come back. I have not grown away from her, and funny as it sounds. I do love her more. Dropping the rope is hard, its only been a week, but it still hurts. They say if you love them let them go, if they love you they will come back. Will I wait 2-5 years for her, I tend to doubt it, but I didn't think I'd last 3 months without taking the pipe.
I am numb to her actions and comments, I hate being that way. But just like dealing with the terrbile two's and adolescence, if I don't step back and let her make a mistake, she won't realize it is wrong. remeber, I mentioned on here that she has told everyone she is the same person. She believes everything she tells herself to justify her actions, why would she do that if she believed she was right to go. This struggle inside of her is getting harder for her to fight.
Her happiness and her happy outward appearance is getting harder for her to promote. Her life is what it is, mine is very hard right now. I find each day a struggle, but find happiness in some part of it. I look for thngs in people and situations now that I never looked at before.
I am the prize, I keep telling myself, if and when she comes back, she is not the prize, I am. I seriously blieve that if she came back right now to me, it would not be good. I need a little more time, I have one or two more things I need fixedwith me and my situation. Once I hit those, I will be good. I can forgive all that has happened. Iwll most likely choose not to look back, but to see what lies ahead. I will not forget, lest I wander down the same path again. I am me, I am happy with me, and I will be damned if I will ever go back to what I had become. Thanks man, I really hate pouring out to you. But like I said, we seem to click, you know what I am feeling and I know what you are feeling. Keep checking on me.
