Back to life, back to reality?

[istherehope]

Thanks JCJ and Daisy :),

JCJ--in terms of taking care of myself, yeah I may pick up some ice cream or something, not really good for me, but still something to make me feel good.

Daisy--yes it's hard not to believe anything H says as he says he has been thinking what he said last night for awhile now. However, you are right as he has said things that were very untrue in the past. I guess what makes last night even worse is the way that I reacted, making something that could have been unpleasant only into a massive fight, and something that is coloring both of our days.

Actually he just emailed me--forwarded me a link on a watch. Watches are one of his passions, so it's something I had been trying to show more interest in. I am not going to respond, as I'd rather he not know that I'm online at all, but will bring it up later as this is the kind of nice, light contact that I want to reward. In a way I feel like he's being me today. He called me twice in a row, wondered why I wasn't online, and forwarded me something he felt I'd be interested in. It's very strange.

ITH

[istherehope]

So H sent another emotional email. I am SO sick of this. I actually called him right after, because I wasn't at home and I thought he was, and that he didn't know I was on my way. He was still at work, and so we had another conversation. He said he would "think about the things I'd said", and that I should think about what he's said. I said that I wasn't sure why he was just giving up on things. He said this wasn't fair, but not sure why not...Anyway here's the email. It's so painful that I can't even bear to look at it. I am writing back, because I told him that I would.

"It is not a decision I have made. It is how I feel and it is who I am. We need to not be married anymore. We need to do this cordially while looking out for the welfare of each other. It is not about being adults, it is about us doing the most caring thing anyone can do, wishing the other best and ending this chapter and giving the other the best chance of happiness. I cannot do this anymore because I am giving you false hope where these is none. It kills me to tell you this, it tears me apart, but you need to know what I feel and what a part of me it is. It will not change. I want us to remain friends, as much of a stretch as that is. I want us to make a promise that we will not try to harm each other or sabotage each other. I want this to be foremost in our dealings with each other. I will never invade your space or talk to you about it at work, or do something to affect your state of mind. I expect the same as I know you are a good decent person.

I know we cannot be happy together. I know this as well as I know anything. It is not about opening up, or tweaking something inside. I still care about you deeply, but that will not enable us to be happy. I cannot do it. I cannot go into this and do one month or three and pretend or try. I cannot hurt you like that because at the end of that timeline it will be us talking about this again. Nothing will have changed, and possibly we could be in a worse place. I care about you too much to drag you on like this. I do care for you which is why I am being so blunt and open.
I am willing to talk this out with you more. I understand you will not always react well, neither will I, but I will try to do so. I will be fair and honest with you. I do not think bad of you, I think the world of you. Lets talk the next few days, lets be patient with each other and all that. Lets not talk until the weekend if we can. I think we need to absorb things a bit more. I just really need some space. I do want to talk more though. "

[One Day]

Hey ITH,

I need to catch up on your thread, but reading the post above I'd say that you should do a 180 and not reply. Leave it overnight and surprise him by doing something he won't expect. Back off completely for now. And remember believe none of what they say. I know it hurts terribly and is horrible, but you absolutely must pull back right now.

OK, I'm just going to go back and read the previous posts.

L. xx

PS. Sorry if I sound a bit short- just in the middle of cooking my dinner.

[Separated]

I definatly agree that there is no need to reply. He said he needs his space so give it to him. He does not want to talk until the weekend so let him be for right now. You need to recuperate from this awful email yourself and if you are trying to repond then it will remain on your mind. Go out for a walk go to a friends house do something to occupy yourself.

[istherehope]

Hi OD,

Thanks for your post...unfortunately I already replied. I know, bad move. I just feel pretty hopeless right now, as if it really doesn't matter. It wasn't a DB appropriate reply, so I won't be posting it here...in short I said that I didn't need decisions to be made based on fear of stringing me along, that I wanted to try and be friends over the next few months, and that I thought it was unlike him to give up on something so easily.

I know we're supposed to believe none of what they say, but this is now his consistent message, so I am not sure what to think...

He said he wanted to talk tomorrow. I said I didn't think I would want that. I am going to stay at a friend's house, though I haven't told him this yet, and will just leave a note in the morning.

He's still not home from work, but should be any time. I am going to try and be super-positive when he walks in. I was crying until recently, but now have calmed down a bit.

Enjoy your dinner :).

ITH

[istherehope]

Hi Sep,

I guess our posts crossed paths. I shouldn't have replied, but did. The thing is when I called him, I told him I'd be replying. I even told him on the phone that his long, emotional emails did not help things. Yes, bad move on my part I'm sure. I guess I'm just wondering whether there are any right moves anymore. I mean I know he won't file papers, as last night he said "I wouldn't even know how to file". I assume he expects I would do that or something. However I can't live in limbo forever with someone who so clearly doesn't love me.

I was just coming back from a walk when I got that dreadful email on my Blackberry. Now I am home, knowing he'll come in the door at any time. I want to seem calm and serene. Maybe my 180 will be acting really happy when he comes through the door. I know I won't bring anything up...

ITH

[One Day]

Hi ITH,

Thanks. Dinner was good, but wolfed down a bit too quickly!

When H gets home don't bother trying to act super-positive. if you're not feeling it he'll notice it's an act. Instead just remove yourself from his company- sleep in a different room and hole yourself up in there for the evening maybe. Just don't interact with him any more tonight.

I like the plan of leaving a not for him tomorrow and being unavailable again. He's asked for space so give it him- I can't think of any other options for right now. if you retreat you can plan your next move from a place of detachment.

Finally, just because he's giving this message consistently right now doesn't mean it's going to be the message forever. All WAS give a consistent message of being done with the R, but all the success stories on here say that they don't feel that way inside. Your H is the same- he's confused and unsure inside but feels he has to present a clear message so that you understand. Counteract that by act AS IF you've understood what he wants and are giving it to him. You know this isn't the end, but he doesn't have to right now- you can outflank him.

Very battle-fuelled language there. That's what spaghetti does to me.

[istherehope]

Hi OD,

Thanks. It's weird he's not home yet, but my guess is he is hanging out with this friend (male) that he's obsessed with. It's 10 PM, and I expected him home an hour ago. He is just really doing everything in his power to show me how little the M matters to him.

Nice battle-fueled language anyway :).

I think I will just go to bed and maybe be asleep when he gets home. Thing is that H was never this negative. All along he's said he wanted to try, and suddenly this. I feel like somehow I pushed him to this by being such a cheerleader for the marriage...

Even my last reply to him was full of why marriage matters etc. Ugh. I am not sure how to turn this around now. Suddenly it is as if I am absolutely nothing to H, whereas until yesterday, there was at least friendliness and affection. In fact earlier when he called, it was friendly and nice, and now I am not sure why he called at all. I think he is just so worried about my feelings. It sort of sickens me.

Alright, not trying to be super-positive then, will just be polite and casual when H finally makes it home.

Really not sure how much more of this I will be able to take...

ITH

[One Day]

ITH- don't just be polite and casual. Be asleep! Don't even speak to him when he gets in.

I don't think he's gone out drinking to show you the M means nothing. He might just need a drink/to drown his sorrows after a hard day today. No ASS-U-ME-ing, remember!

I don't think this is the end for you. You can turn things around but you'll need patience. Back off him now and let the duct settle. No R talks, no talks of any kind other than polite interaction which you end first. Be less available on IM etc. He shouldn't be able to contact you whenever he wants to, and you being less available should pique his curiosity.

Finally, re-read the 6 stages of MLC. Your H may have been in denial/anger before and may be moving to some more anger/reply type behaviours. I'm wary of putting labels and stages on things, but try to think of this as a marathon. At the moment you're going up a hill, but eventually you'll get to the other side and going down will be easier. It's just not straight up and down- there are undulations to the territory. (sorry)

L. xx

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH,
I'm so sorry, it must be horrible, thinking of you.

Now that I am through the other side, so to speak... what jumped out at me in your Hs message was.. it sounded EXACTLY like all the things my ex said. I really care about you. I do want to talk more, but I have to be firm. I dont want to be like this, but I know this isnt going to work. I cant stay with you, not even for the years/commitment we did have. This is killing me but I have to do this, I need space. I need to be on own. I've changed...

basically, he is refusing to work on the R and the way he writes his email just makes me strongly suspect that he has met someone else, even if there is not PA or EA, but that having strong feelings for someone else, or an attraction gives them a kind of steely strength to leave and be quite firm and resolute.

THis may be a red herring, but his email was so exactly the same messages I heard.. and I asked if there was anyone else and he swore blind to me that there wasnt, but there was, he just felt too afraid/guilt ridden to tell me, or didnt want to believe that he was leaving me for someone else.

I dont suggest you ask him, but I do wish I had known sooner, as it would have changed the way I DBed and how I felt all year. So in terms of hanging on (and Lisa/OneDay has some excellent advice, listen to her!) then, you might want to try and find out (ok, snoop is what I am saying) if there IS an OW. Knowledge is power in my book and my ex kept this critical key piece of information from me all year, thereby taking away my power.

If it isnt an OW, then your H is clearly going through a major life change. I just dont believe people fall that spectacularly out of love if there are no major issues/incompatibilities/rows between you.

Do leave it until the weekend like he said. Nothing will be gained from pushing him - it will be a short term fix for you to have some contact/emotional convo with him but it wont change anything and could make him feel more pressurised. I'm really very sorry as I have been following your sitch for so long and I feel for you and that your H, despite his declaration to be good to each other through this, he has been quite cruel, as alot of these WAS are.

Hugs to you, you have tried your hardest so far, thats admirable.

Ali xxx