Gosh, I guess I have been busy. I have only taken time to lurk and to comment on others' threads, not my own. But I've got a brief moment now (waiting on a system maintenance function to complete here at work).
Tal, I am happy and envious of your new "love". I was just at the local mall at lunchtime waiting on my watch repair -- they have a Saturn display indoors there from one of the dealerships. The Outlook is nice -- and the new Vue looks just as nice in a smaller package. (Note to self: As soon as I get my financial affairs in order, I really need to see about trading up to a more "studly" vehicle than the too-small two-door I got stuck with during the separation. I wish someone made a serious hybrid / high-MPG truck.)
Gypsy, I have to assume (especially since I haven't gotten any feedback from him yet) that my physician intended for the prescription to lapse -- I also assume at 10 mg it was a low enough dose already to be okay to quit cold-turkey. I have felt a bit more of the "edge" to my emotions, but otherwise appear to be doing well enough -- and it's waaay too late to take the slow easy path now after a month of being off them. But if I start thinking about offing myself, I'll let you know.
Last night might have been a good trigger point if I wanted to, off myself that is. S3 decided he wanted to stay with W instead of me. He had asked the night before so last night I acquiesced and let him stay with her.
That's hard enough but not unexpected. But then after our cubscout meeting last night S7 announced he too wanted to go and be with S3 and his mother for the night. I put my foot down and said he couldn't be changing his mind so late in the evening like that. It was already late enough (past 8:30 PM) and we were both tired. He didn't like it and complained, but he let it go eventually.
I know young boys need their mother, and I try to encourage it as much as possible. And I certainly don't like the prospects of appearing to foist myself on my S's lives. But if I am really serious about having a meaningful role in their lives as their father, I cannot allow what precious little time I have with them be whittled away from us. It's hard enough that I don't have full-time access to them every other week as it is.
And it tends to make me feel the most awful dark things about W. I feel so much resentment built up for her as it is without her encouraging their abandoning me on those days I am supposed to parent them.
Maybe I need the AD's after all, because I started thinking on the drive back home, with S7 sulking in the back seat, that maybe I should just give up. Just throw in the towel, pack my things and leave this state once and for all. If when push comes to shove, my own S's would rather spend their time with W to the exclusion of their father, even on those days they have me, then maybe I should let them.
I think this, but then I remember this is not what God would have me do, not if I am truly His.
One good thing that brightened my day is that I heard from an old friend of mine from High School last night. She had literally been "the girl next door" back then, and she found me on FB after all these years. Gotta' love the Internet.
