I think I may belong here.

[kelaaron]

Well guys, maybe someone can give me an opinion here. After our nice day yesterday, H and I ended up having sex. Sort of wierdly initiated by him but he knew i was open to the idea. It was very interesting to say the least.

This morning I start getting text messages from H actually telling me how he feels. No connection, sex was nice but it was just sex and even though he is a man that bothers him. He is angry with himself. Last one was along the lines of trying to be friend and good father, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I told him I was sorry he was angry but I don't regret ever being with him. I understood that he was sharing with me. No reply to last one as I just don't know what to say. I would love to tell him what is wrong. I would love to tell him that he just needs to undo RCI. I would love to tell him that he has turned me into OW. I would love to tell him I love you and it's ok. But I KNOW I can't tell him any of that. So I just haven't replied anymore. If I dared to tell him MLC, he would just think I was crazy. If I dared to tell him you have shut off your heart, he would get mad. I just don't know what to do.

I guess I should be grateful for the small things like he is talking to me. I guess I should be grateful because he is looking for the connection with me and feels badly because it isn't there (cuz he wasn't really with me). I guess I should be grateful that he is trying to be my friend. I am grateful for all of those things. I just wish to God that I could heal him.

Lord, I pray that you will send your healing and comfort to my husband and help him through this very rough time he is going through. Thank you for all of your blessings.

[MT35]

I know just how you feel. My H says the same thing, that he feels guilty after we have sex. He tells me that he really enjoys it now, at the beginning of this H told me he had to work at having sex with me before the bomb.

I like you am grateful that we still talk and he does trust me. I don't want to lose the sex with H because I do feel like there is still some connection. I say your response was good just because you are honest. You DON'T regret being with him!

I am praying with you!

[kelaaron]

Yea, this is better than prebomb in a way. Then it was just sex too but that is all he would say. He has said he doesn't want another woman, that he isn't ready for that as he doesn't know who he is.

I don't regret it and I never will. I do miss all of the ML parts of it but they are still there for me. Maybe a little more now than in recent past cuz I am not angry anymore. I did wonder last night if it was the right thing to do, but I was guided to go ahead with it. God works in mysterious ways. Like I said, I expected him to pull back today, but I didn't expect the talking/texting at all.

[1hope]

No connection, sex was nice but it was just sex and even though he is a man that bothers him.

WHY do they always say that? And the "even thought he is a man" What does that mean? That women never have sex just to "have sex."

He is angry with himself.

Oh yes he is. And that's a good thing. Probably one of the most honest feelings that he has. I love the thought of you as the OW. Go for it K. We all need a good 'rogering" now and then!

Last one was along the lines of trying to be friend and good father, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Well yeah, stepping outside your M is wrong. Doing wrong will not make you feel good, for long.

I would love to tell him what is wrong. I would love to tell him that he just needs to undo RCI. I would love to tell him that he has turned me into OW. I would love to tell him I love you and it's ok. But I KNOW I can't tell him any of that. So I just haven't replied anymore. If I dared to tell him MLC, he would just think I was crazy. If I dared to tell him you have shut off your heart, he would get mad. I just don't know what to do.

you're doing it. Don't do anything. Just breathe and enjoy your day. You can always tell God that you love your H. You can count all of your blessings. You can write down all of the things you would like to say to your H., and send it to us. Like you just did.

Only God can heal him. On His schedule.

I should be grateful for the small things like he is talking to me.

Yes, baby steps

I should be grateful because he is looking for the connection with me and feels badly because it isn't there

This could be guilt too. At least he misses the connection, which is a good first step.

I guess I should be grateful that he is trying to be my friend.

That's a good first step. Keep being his friend, the other things will come slowly.

Lord, I pray that you will send your healing and comfort to my husband and help him through this very rough time he is going through. Thank you for all of your blessings.

K, I'll pray with you, for all of us! I saw this one elsewhere on the boad and I love it:

Heavenly Father, please give me comfort and strengthen me during these trying times. Let me feel your presence and know that you are there to guide me. Give me the patience to wait while you bring things to fruition in Your own time. Remind me that this is the time to work on the things in me that need change, in order to prepare me for the reformed husband that you will present to me.

I know that the challenges in my life are brought as tests of true faith and so I welcome the opportunity to reaffirm my faith in You. Watch over my husband and be the small voice in his ear that will lead him back to You. I rebuke the demons that are attacking this marriage that you crated as an outward sign as your perfect love. I ask this in your son Jeasus' name.

[kelaaron]

Yes hope, I do agree that missing the connection and friends is a good first step. I don't know why they all say the same crap. Maybe it's in the guide. Like I said b4, EA pretty sure about PA doubtful. Not enough unaccounted for time if you know what I mean. So he is using my body instead and probably has been for a while. It's just really starting to bother him more. So that is where I am. I guess in some ways this could be sorta fun. I don't have any idea why they think women don't have sex just for sex. I guess that would make us all whores. All women can't be that way can they?

I know in God's time. I actually did talk to God before I posted anything specific here. Just needed to know what to do and decided to share on here to get it out. I am trying to just go with the flow with this and not miss anything important or do anything that will make this longer than it needs to be. I am feeling a lot stronger than I have in a long long time. Did finally respond back. Sorry took so long, I'm here and I'm listening. That was it.

Know what I've been thinking? If he wants to see me differently or not at all depending on the day, then maybe it's time for a transformation. I have and continue to change on the inside which he is noticing, but maybe the outside needs a shake up too.

[1hope]

Not enough unaccounted for time if you know what I mean. So he is using my body instead and probably has been for a while.

That's ok. I would guess that everyone is guilty of that at some time in a M. That's what fansasies are about.

I guess in some ways this could be sorta fun. I don't have any idea why they think women don't have sex just for sex. I guess that would make us all whores.

I think what makes a woman a whore is getting paid for it I don't know how guys think, and I sure don't know how MLC guys think. But women DO have sex just for sex. And I agree with you. You can have fun with this. He's your H and you can do with him whatever you feel comfortable doing. Just protect yourself, if you know that I mean.

Don't worry about missing anything important or doing anything to make this last longer. It is what it is. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. Read the DB/DR book and follow the quiet voice in your heart.

Feeling stronger is why we are all here and supporting each other. If you need to be here, it's a wonderful place to be!!

now what I've been thinking? If he wants to see me differently or not at all depending on the day, then maybe it's time for a transformation. I have and continue to change on the inside which he is noticing, but maybe the outside needs a shake up too.

I agree with you on this! Shake away baby. Just don't do anything too drastic all at once. Do you know anything about your competition? (if indeed she is that?)

[kelaaron]

What do I know about her? Lets see, a few years older than us, D 3 times, possible boyfriend (at least last year), 17 year old son, bad medical history, throwing blood clots now, small boobs, H said he never really looked at her that way. He also said they talk but he hasn't told her any of his real feelings. Beyond that, no idea...And I honestly don't think they are talking too much right now anyway. She recently became his boss and that could put a real crimp in anything.

Don't really care. I am small, skinny, large boobs, and H has always liked that. Just think I have had the same look for a lot of years and for me it is time for a change. I have been trying to get hairdresser to cut my hair short for the last 5 years and he won't go any shorter than my shoulders.

[kelaaron]

All of the guys that i know think a woman who has sex for any reason other than making love is a whore. I too agree that getting paid for it is the definition, but they don't seem to see it that way.

[MT35]

kelaaron- Find a new hairdresser, now this comes from the girl who has had the same one for 35 years and I just went to her for the last time cause she got married and is moving! Cut it short! Short is sexy!! My H always liked it when I had it short. I have had a "Halle Berry" short cut at different times for the last 5 or 6 years. Like her hair in Swordfish. Short little flip ups all over. I loved my hair that way, but when I gain weight it isn't as cute and I am ready to go longer again. I have always gotten compliments on my hair when I go somewhere, both when it was long and when it has been short. So I am growing it out again. I used to have hair that was half way down my back about 10 years ago, I love to hot roll it!

[1hope]

Find a new hairdresser, Cut it short! Short is sexy!!

Mine is currently very short. It came from effect (chemo) not by choice. I have always had long hair, and my H loves long hair. I have to tell you, I get "stop me on the street comments/compliments" from everyone. In fact, on Friday a guy kind of tugged on it and said I really love your hair short!

Except my H. I think it reminds him that I am "changed". Oh well, this change I am gonna keep. I have the flip ups, but still blonde.