Hey everyone....I've been absent awhile...sorry I haven't been keeping up!
Alot has happened in the past couple months. Here is a quick update...
H moved out The first weekend in August. He moved to our vacant townhouse. He came over to our house every single day and night. It was like we were dating. He had a revelation that he was missing me...missing our life together...he loves me and wants to work on us so on August 18th he moved back home and into our bedroom. Things were going really well for about 3 weeks...when he told me that he wasn't really trying...he didn't think it was working...he had a change of heart 3 days after coming back home.
He is still seeing MOW.....only now, MOW has supposedly told her H too...evidently they are really having problems in their M now too...go figure?! For all I know she's just feeding lies to H, how can I know for sure?
Well we've had ups and downs the past month or so. H dropped a big one on me in September and told me he had been molested at age 11 by a relative...that was shocking to me and I cried for him because he has kept that bottled up for 37 years. He told one person about it after it happened...and that ended up backfiring and causing more problems..so he kept it to himself. Needless to say after much coaxing, prodding, etc. I was able to convince him to see a C. He has been to see her 3 times.
Last Sunday H moved back out of our room into our guest room. Says he is still deciding whether he wants to be married to me or not. He is still seeing MOW but says that she will not leave her H...but she still sees H...how twisted is that? He loves her and he wants to be with her...period...but it can't be....so we stay in this limbo...do the dance...
The C gave H some material about twisted thinking...which H sees himself in. Admittedly he has some very twisted views about himself, and others. His thought path is disturbed. He actually brought it home and reviewed it with me.
It seems that H has made up his mind...he wants to leave regardless of whether he can be with MOW or not...he just doesn't have the guts to make the break. He is full of guilt...he is sending mixed signals all the time.
Said Sunday night...we need to quit pretending that we're working on us and get things out in the open....attack the real issues and make some decisions....I agree...that's what I've been trying to get him to do....then this morning, he crawls into bed with me to cuddle????
I say no contact...I don't call, don't email...he calls, he emails....he says I'm clingy...I pull away and he pursues...he says I don't communicate...I try to communicate, to discuss rationally, to be objective...he shuts me down and tells me not to talk about it....
I'm tired of being wrong all the time, I'm tired of not looking at him the right way, of saying the wrong thing, of all of it!
It seems that after making baby steps all summer..watching him leave and come back..watching him really try to work on us...that now I'm right back where I was 15 months ago. He's in the house, in a separate room, playing both sides just like before. He is in C...which is a good thing, because he really does need help sorting things out...but I'm stuck and hurting and I'm really really tired.
I'm really trying to work on my GAL....I'm keeping up the PMA, praying, being still, acting as if....and I'm drained.
