I am new to this so please forgive any mis steps but I need some perspective on my situation. Which is:
H and I separated in 2007 after a year of really struggling with our marriage. We had been married 4 years and had 2 small kids and had lost our ability to communicate and truly did not like each other. After my h telling me again that he wasnt sure if he wanted to be married I told him that I wanted him to move out and he did. He bought the big screen tv and had himself a nice little bachelor pad.
During the separation we were still together all of the time and he left each night after the kids went to sleep becuase we did not want to tell them what was going on until we knew for sure.
In June of 2007 after H telling me again that he still wasn't sure what he wanted and he did not think he loved me I filed for divorce.
During the 6 months before our divorce was final multiple times I begged him to come home and try and work on our marrieage - I was panicking because the realization of what was happening was hitting me... he said no way - he was done. During this time we still saw each other often and still had a physical relationship.
In December 2007 our divorce was final and I thought okay this is over and I need to get a life. Little by little I started to get happier with myself and the situation. Little by little H became more interested in me - compliments, etc. I thought he was just beign nice.
In May 2008 I met a wonderful guy. I was in a good palce and ready to move on. H and I hadn't slept together in about a month but he was being very touchy feely with me so shortly after I met the new guy I told H that I was starting to see someone else and that I needed him to respect that and to stop the physical advances.
Well he freaked out!!!! He called me a whore and said he could not believe that I would date someone else - didnt I know that he wanted me back. HUH? Um no I didnt.
So the past 4 months has been a nightmare. Ex H has been begging me to come back, crying, telling me that he was so wrong to let me go, apologizing, etc.... meanwhile my new guy lives 2000 miles away but we have managed to spend a lot of time together over the past months and I am really falling for him.
My problem is that I want nothing more than to go back to my H and work things out but I just dont feel like I can because I dont love him any more. Too much water under the bridge. I wish with all my heart I felt differently but I dont. He tells me I am throwing away my family for a stranger and it gets to me because I dont want to ruin my kids lfe but I also dont want to be married to someone I dont love.
He also says that I am in the gaga new stage of a new relationship and that marriage is hard work and if I would just give up this new guy and concentrate on fixing our marriage we might have a chance. Part of me thinks he is right but I don't want to give up a great guy and always wonder what if.....but I also dont want to walk away from my ex H and wonder what if....
Any insight would be much appreciated....
W - 40 H - 46 D - 5 D - 3 married 5 years divorced 9 motnhs
While I read what you wrote ("I don't want to be married to someone I don't love" 'this other person is so wonderful') the thing that kept popping into my head is that all WASs with an OP say similar things. AND, your xh is correct- you are being affected by the brain chemicals being released ("the fog").
I have no idea what you ought to do since you are already divorced..but you do have 2 little girls that might love to have their daddy in their life. And if you focus on your xh's good qualities, you might be able to 'fall back in love'. Isn't that what ALL the LBS hope and pray for? That the walkaway will at least open themselves up to the possibility of falling back in love? Assuming there was no abuse, it seems like making an intact family for your children is very important.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
I really sympathize with your situation. However, love is not a feeling - it is an action. Sometimes, you have to love (do the actions) before love (the feeling) can come back. This takes time, but most of all commitment and willingness to work/communicate with the other partner.
That said, you really need to think about the pros/cons of both situations - especially that of your ex husband. Let's say that you did try to make things work out with your ex. Has he truly change or demonstrated a commitment to learn, adjust,and do what is necessary to make a relationship with you work. Good intentions are not good enough. Same applies to you also. What changes would you have to make for the relationship to work should you choose to go back to your ex.
You indicated that you had lost the ability to communicate and truly did not like each other. Why was that the case - what was the root cause? You married him for a reason, so at one time there had to be communication/love there. Could it be that both of you got complacent and took each other for granted?
It is really important that you identify the cause of the divorce as whatever you decide to do, you don't want those causes to sabotage your relationship again.
Ideally, I think it would be better if you tried to make things work out with your ex. There is nothing more wonderful than a family that is back together - truly committed to each other.
In either case, I think you should also consider what type of person you need to be for either relationship to work. Relationships are a learning process about how to satisfy each others needs and what to do to keep the passion/love burning.
I would also think about who is really going to be there to support you, love you, take care of you, provide your needs, etc. Right now your new boyfriend sounds like he is really devoted to you. However, almost all relationships are like that in the beginning. Thinking long term, what type of person do you think he is going to be a year from now, 5 years from now, etc and how does that compare to your ex, especially in regard to how he is acting now?
You want to put yourself in the best situation where you have the greatest chance of truly being happy.
Hi - thank you so much for your input. I want my family back together so bad - the best situation for everyone but I need to be able to trust it and the fact that my exh has changed so much. He actually is the person he was when we first met - I just need to have faith I think.
I was not perfect in our marriage either and through discussion we have had over the past few months I definatly did things to push him away as well....
Hi - again thanks for taking the time to respond. It is so helpful to get some perspective.
We both had a part of making our marriage fall apart and my exh wants to go to counsleing and is willing to ensure we get to a place where we can communicate better than before.
I know that right now with the new guy - it is fantasy - buying cute underwear instead of ratty ones :)and all of that beginnig fun stuff. Bottom line is there will be no one that will love the girls like he does and that is worth trying again.
Trust takes time and that's okay. Restoration/reconciliation is a process that is going to take a lot of hard work and commitment. Although people like to think that faith is simply believing (although to some extent that is true), real faith is when you actually take action - even if its just baby steps.
The passion, the fantasy, all the beginning fun stuff you mention can come back to your marriage if both parties are willing to make it happen. That is something that has to be constantly worked on and maintain. It is real easy to get into some routine where we stop doing the things we did in the beginning. Complacency is such an enemy to a good marriage/relationship.
I would consider writing down and at least pondering the type of relationship you want. What types of communication, intimacy, playfulness, thoughtfulness, etc do you want to experience with your ex? Really try to get specific. Those experiences are the types that you ex needs to be trying to achieve for you and a lot of times those needs need to be communicated in a sincere and safe way as us men don't always get it or realize what our spouses want. You will also need to know what your ex expects/wants out of the relationship. Regardless, it is going to take energy and work to make it happen - but you can do this.
Do be careful with the new guy. If you want to try to make things work with your ex, I'm not sure having the new guy around is going to help your cause. I can understand your predicament though and I know that these things are not always easy. I'm not saying to ditch the new guy, but just to be careful. For things to really work out with your ex, your entire heart has to be in it. That can take time and that's okay. The key here is to be committed and to not give up. To do everything you can to make whatever relationship the most it can be.
