Here's the "agreement" that I just sent to my lawyer. Wish me luck...
Pam,
{21-year-son} tells me that you can’t have any contact with me, that you can’t call or write, and that you insist that all contact from me go through your lawyer. I must admit that I’m a little uncomfortable with so many people reading about our personal issues, but I’m going to do my best here.
I hope that we can work something out to allow you to communicate with me in a way with which you’re comfortable. Please feel free to have your lawyer draft an agreement to ensure your comfort. Mr. Calamunci and I believe that you can initiate any contact you’d like. I suggest that you determine the topics, duration, time, and method of each contact. Except for the usual etiquette of returning your calls only when you so ask, I won’t do anything to contact you.
There are several topics that I offer about which we should talk.
I think we need to discuss the interim process in paying bills, for example. I believe that we both need to know about what bills are due when, which one of us will pay it, and be able to verify that the bill was paid. I have the latest {credit card company} Cards, for example. I’d like to get them to you and let you know that you don’t need to declare them lost again. (I infer that you wish to curtail my use of any joint account.) While I’m maintaining my own “residence”, there are probably some bills for {street} that you’d like me to stand up to. I did notice that the {life insurance company} debit was going to bounce, so I paid it. May I infer that you’d like to forgo this insurance? From my side, I’m concerned about the {college} refund and the recent withdrawals against the {joint bank} second mortgage. I just need to know that you have the refund (that it’s not lost or delayed) and that you did authorize the withdrawals (I didn’t.). Would you call me please to discuss these mundane issues?
I am curious about {18-year-son}. I hope his studies are going well. Would you update me on his progress please?
I am concerned about {21-year-son}. He is falling behind in his studies. His sleep hygiene seems to have deteriorated. I have tried reassuring him, but he frets about us and you. From my side, I’m trying to find ways to lighten his load like doing his laundry with mine. I also reassure him that everything possible to minimize the harm to him, indeed to everyone, is being done. May I suggest that you continue with your reassurances too?
I am unable to deal directly with {18-year-son}, as you know. I am gravely concerned about his flights of fancy and his serving alcohol at his parties. I also understand that he is having trouble sleeping for fear of me. I am worried about the amount of time he’s pending away from campus too. I hope that we can talk about the best means to approach this and consider working together as mother and father.
I would also like to ask a personal favor. Would you help me a little with my personal therapy? I’ve asked Dr. {joint doctor} for a referral, but scheduling is a problem as you know. In the interim, I’m using the internet and the phone to work with licensed professional from outside {our state}. I’m at a loss to list the major areas that I need to improve upon. I did ask Dr. {joint doctor} for help here but got nowhere. I’m going to continue to work on dealing with and managing my anger in the meanwhile. I really would appreciate your brief support. Would you tell me what I should say to the therapist about my problem as you see it?
In many ways, I’ve dealt with the separation well and now don’t feel angry about it or anything that led to it. I don’t want you to feel like there’s anything you need to apologize for, as there isn’t. If you ever want to talk about what I would do differently should time give me a second chance, please let me know. (But do plan on a significant amount of time as I have so much to apologize for.) Would you consider that sometime?
I want you to know that the door remains open to any outcome you’d like, a black-letter law divorce, a trial separation, or even reconciliation. I hope that whatever you choose you’ll be happy. I do ask that you consider a joint counseling session before moving on to the separation agreement and its details. I fear that we each have reasons for our positions and that the other would respect them; however, by the time Greg and Tony are involved it’s just a legal matter and all of our promises to each other are lost. I suggest that we sit down together with a counselor and discuss the issues you’d like. Would you please schedule a joint counseling session for us?
Dr. {cancer doctor} has questioned my diagnosis. She believes that I may have a VIPoma. I have CAT scan, an MRI, and blood work tomorrow. Would you wish me luck?
My mother fell while covering their greenhouse. The plastic sheeting comes off with the spring and back on in the fall. She broke her arm pretty badly. She was to find out whether she needs surgery today. She would probably appreciate a phone call from {18-year-son}. Would you let him know about the accident and prompt him to call please?
{21-year-son} did tell me that you told him that you still love me. So let me close in kind with…
