Trying2Live-New Post #2

[Trying2live]

Ok ya'll chin up chin up chin up! Yes its harder than it sounds but If I can do it so can you! And let me start by hounding you GAL GAL GAL!!! Soooo, I wanna hear specifics on what ya'll have implemented on your GAL. I hope were being creative and trying new things. Details Details.....Ok that's out of the way LOL.

TwinHope, I think you are absolutely correct in not making this easy for him and the passing off of the kiddies. You can't make this part of it easy for him he'll need to feel what D may be like if this is the choice he makes.
I'm gonna re quote and remember guys this is just opinion each of us has to follow our heart on advice.

I told him that I couldn't do it and I said that that was a big expectation of me.
I think you did fine here are some observations. I might have said Oh geez I'd like to help you but I'm not available already made plans.

He thinks that we should split the time. I told him that I don't agree and he got on my case saying that he doesn't know why I haven't taken the initiative to want to help him out.
Lesson #1 who cares what he thinks, it comes from the fog!LOL
I would for sake of confusion, make a schedule of the times and dates for the kids and email it to him. Why haven't you taken the initiative? Something to think of also, I learned from the Surviving An Affair book by Dr. Willard Harley, is that these guys have needs. Have you ever thought that he is meeting a need by starting an argument? Don't allow him to drag you into the fog for a fight when you can't see. For myself I have preset retarded responses I will say if he tries to drag me into an argument to meet his emotional need or he wants me to be a dumping ground or he wants to justify. I just decided I'm not going to meet his negative need. So I say this lame preset response with a smile and laugh. Here it is ready, "{{smile}} You're funny". Yup that's it folks and I change the subject or make myself busy. Try it. Do not engage in the fog argument.

I told him that this is what he wants and that he expects a lot out of me. He said that all I do is sit on my a$$.
Okay of course this is what he wants, so don't even bother mentioning it and don't let him that its a lot of you, although it is. Just give a firm and happy confident Oh geez I'm sorry I can't I have plans. And then I might have reverse babble his all I do is sit on my a$$. I would said well yo know me always sitting on my a$$ with these 2 kids, my God just look at the size of my a$$ and laugh it off. Now that's confidence and the OW has lot of confidence. She's happy when she sees our H and happy when she talks to our H. Yes we have the details to handle like the kids, but until, all of us can handle it with out massive emotions, try and steer clear. Figure out what works for you. Personally if my H didn't want to see the kids, which he did, in August my kids were mad because he didn't want switch days, so he said tell them to call me when they get over it. I let the cards fall where they are. Guess what my kids never called, he ended up trying to visit and talk. We can't cover for them by pushing them to see the kids. They MUST bear the repercussion of their actions.

I told him that I did not want to fight and that he has changed into someone that I don't even know.
MHO, don't even bother saying you don't wanna fight, he's thinking yeah right. Just find a way out of the convo or don't respond. I wouldn't even bother mentioning he's someone you don't even know. Even he knows that, our walkaways are fully aware that their actions are wrong with out us telling them, trust me, and mentioning it makes you seem less than confident. Even tho we dearly care it needs to seem as if we don't but maybe we do and must exude confidence, cheerfulness etc.
I can't expect anything from him and I told him to call the girls tonight to say goodnight but I was done talking to him and to have a good day.
This is the motto I live by everyday as soon as I wake up! I literally tell my self this. I HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS FROM H HE IS IN THE FOG. I EXPECT HIM TO RUN HOT AND COLD AND HAVE NO COMMON SENSE OR MORALS IN THE FOG EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO THE CHILDREN. I CANNOT RELY ON H IN ANYWAY. This reminder has saved my life from much let down.
I like to end all conversations 1st, not as a power thing but a confidence thing. Like hey i have a life i'm still living and oh my gosh my friend is calling i gotta go now, the kids are looking forward to you call...ta ta

He is being a real jerk.
Yes most alien abductions result in replacement with the jerk. Expect this and expect it every time.

I am having a real hard time lately. I think I just needs to some words of wisdom.
I am so sorry you are having a hard time, i know your pain is real, i still feel it too. {{hugs}} The only thing I can say IMHO is exude confidence, cheerfulness etc, don't let him drag you into fog arguments, don't be his conscience concentrate on you. Don't put so much focus on him, what GAL activity are you doing for YOU? Don't worry about the wedding rings, pray for yourself and the kids, he's getting enough focus right now. The shift needs to happen in the way you guys communicate right now, try to find out how and what to do to make this happen. When I had a few coaching session, she recommended very very limited contact until negative emotions are reduced. Can you do that?

I feel like he is much deeper into his R with OW that it is causing him to act like this. I think she is putting the full press on him.

Can he really get any deeper than he is? I mean adultery is adultery whether emotional or physical. So don't concentrate on that. I'm not sure if OW is putting pressure on him. 2 ways of thinking on that. 1 is she is then great let he come unglued and you do the opposite and be confident. I recommend that ALL of us do not talk about the relationship,its not time your going to get fog babble.

I wonder if I should just stop talking to him.
Only you can make that determination. I had to several times for months at a time because he was a complete angry nut who wanted me to be a dumping ground and i felt he needed to see that I am going to make it. I think my H expected me to beg and i didnt. If you need to limit talking to reduce the negative emotions then go for it. It can't hurt to have no conversations or contact for a day or two when the kids are not visiting. IT gives the appearance you are living life still. When H calls to talk with kids put the phone straight to their ear.

I have been GAL and I do pretty well except when I have had to talk to him. He seems to get harder and harder. I thought it was suppose to get easier.

What things have you been doing to GAL?

It always gets harder before it gets easier and D won't be any easier either.

Expect it to get harder, sorry I wish I had better news but having this mindset its easier to let it roll off your back when they do and say these outlandish things.