I'll suggest the Outer Banks Of North Carolina.. big surf, big fish and I'm sure with all the men over there, that you would be catered to...help with the fishing and all..
Bbj, I dont know how things came falling apart so fast. Because to me it seemed that after his last trip and while he was away, you BOTH made some assumptions and thinking and you got here.
I dont doubt you will be fine. More than fine. Even things that now seem difficult you will deal with, with no problems.
For now, take it day by day. See how things will evolve. K
I am sorry, I dont have something helpful to say. Just know that you are in my thoughts.
Idaho (at least this part) is beautiful right now. The trees are all turning and the Aspens are amazing. Arizona is nice, but I'm not a desert guy. The Oregon Coast is one of my favorite places on earth. I hear Montreal is wonderful. I had hoped to go there soon.
You absolutely should take a personal day. Maybe two. You'd be a better mother when you got back. I'm sure the kids would understand.
It's time for you to focus on you and the kids. Get back on the road to happytown and figure it out. Life is too short to look backward for too long.
I don't know how we fell apart so fast either. Just ten days ago, H said, "I am not done working on us, I am not ready to give up". So I don't know why he decided to give up.
We had a long, rough talk last night. I was sad but pretty resolute. I did not beg or plead, I treated it as though the decision had already been made. H teared up several times. I mentioned I had called an attorney and I think that got his attention. He said he would prefer to use a mediator if possible.
H said he wants the kids every other week, a few times a week is just not enought time with them. I know that is true but I cannot imagine going a full week without seeing my kids when I am not the one wanting to break up our family. I asked about upcoming holidays, trick-or-treating, pumpkin patch outing, etc. Even parent teacher conferences next week. H wants to do all of those things together as a family. WTF? He said he would hope we could be friendly enough to keep doing all those things together...
He also said that any time he had to travel for work or have late night meetings he would want the kids with me, and hoped I would let him have the same opportunity if ever I had the kids but had a conflict...
He said when he looks at me he sees someone who loves him with all her heart, loves her kids with all her heart, is a great teacher, etc. etc. But he also sees someone hurting deeply b/c of his actions and he does not want to hurt me any more. He said he doesn't have faith in his ability to stop hurting me so the only way to stop hurting me was to stop being with me. That he does love me very much and that is why he does not want to hurt me any more.
I replied very calmly that in getting a D he would be taking away my greatest dream which is to live a happy life with my family together. So I found it ironic that he thought the best way to keep from hurting me was to take away the biggest part of the plan I had for my future.
H had no place to live, his mom has said he can't go live there again (she doesn't know what is up now but has said that before just in letting H know he can't come/go as he pleases). H said he will have to find a place to rent and if he does buy a house I would prob. have to co-sign just as he has co-signed on our current home, in order to be approved for both loans.
He wants to live at our house until he finds a place to live and he doesn't want to tell the kids until he finds a place to live...I don't see that working very well.
BBJ, Make sure you have your ducks in a row. Do you have seperate bank acct, credit cards in joint names need to be discussed, who's paying what bills, etc. Make sure you have some money put aside for you. Come up with a budget for you. Don't stop running, I did run at 5:15 this morning lots of stars out. When I seperated the legal stuff was a huge stressor for us. My W just moved back last weekend but it was hard being apart. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It really pisses me off to hear some of these lines...amazing how they are so similar. Are they trying to feel less guilty by saying stuff like you deserve something better and or i want to stop hurting you.....what a crock of sh!t. During one of my more memorable exchanges (which are not recommended in the DR book) whne W gave me one of those lines, I answered perhaps you should have thought of that before you dropped your panties and spread your legs(I apologize for being so graphic). The coach is right get your ducks in a row and protect yourself. Personally, I have absolutelly no intention to co-sign anything with W especially after the divorce. Living in the same house will be extremely difficult under these circumstances...interesting that his mom does not even want him..I think that speaks volumes.
I don't think it is so much that she doesn't want him, as it is that she doesn't want to enable him. How tough is it when you can just move back to your mom's house when things get rough?
However she just found out last night that she has bladder cancer. I mentioned to H last night that i don't think it would be good for her if he did try to move back there, bc she needs some peace and calm to heal and him being there with the kids half the time would not help her get better. She would feel the need to cook, clean, etc...
H agreed. He said he would stay at the house until he found a place to rent/buy. He is sleeping on the couch so I am sure that will add to his mental list of problems, now he can't sleep comfortably at night b/c of our situation...
I texted H earlier that I was thinking of him and his mom. Then I added that I had an appt. with the attorney for tomorrow, I was going to ask about residency requirements (we both just moved), separation, and mediation options. I told him to let me know if he had any questions for the attorney....no response.
Actually last night H said that he would like to use the same attorney as me, that he had 'nothing to hide' and it would prob. be easier that way? That's why he wants a mediator too, he said he doesn't intend to fight me on anything and again said he has nothing to hide. I suppose that is in reference to whether he has an OW on the side, or a stash of money hidden somewhere, etc...
I am very interested to see how it goes w/the attorney. I just want to know what I am looking at. I think at least one of us had to have lived in Iowa for 1 year before we can file. But it sounds like we can fill out everything for a legal separation now, and then just convert it to a D after the 1 year mark.
Oddly enough, I asked H what his plans were for tonight when he left this morning (this is the weird part of him living at home and not telling the kids anything yet, I need to know when he is around, etc. so I know what to tell them re. plans for the night and all that jazz). Anyway H said he was coming Home after work and was going to eat supper with us and spend the evening at home...
I really have to question Dan's capability to handle the young kids for extended periods of time right now with his level of stress.
We did not like the alternating weeks and went with a 5/5/2/2 plan. It works out great because we always have the same 2 days with and without the kids and alternate Fri/Sat/Sun. That way I can schedule cub/girl scouts that I do with the kids on Mon and Tue and my own personal golf lesson/time with G40 on either Wed or Thur.
Your D2 (almost 3?) may have quite different needs and require a different schedule. Here is the document we used to determine various possibilities:
He wants to keep the family together for his own peace of mind and to minimize his guilt and his perceived impact on our kids. But what is in it for me to let him spend as much time as he wants with us but then be free when he wants to be? I dont know if he plans on letting that door swing both ways, where I can show up and hang out with the kids at his place, too....not that I would even want to necessarily...
I am also doing the same attorney thing because it is pretty amicable and the split will be down the middle. I guess I could probably fight for more but since i am a sap errrr....nice guy(and for D7's sake) I will split everythin 50 / 50.
Your H being at home will be very difficult. I know it was for me. It is easy to act as if but tough to begin the detaching process.
