Wow whatdidido. I really admire your courage, maturity, and passion. I think you truly are an inspiration to divorce busters everywhere.
The really courageous heroes in these affairs aren't the left behind spouses, even though the come a close second. Its people like you who are caught in a very deep emotional pit and find their way out with their integrity intact.
I don't understand what the formula is to offer up courage like yours to all the others out there having affairs, but you truly are a gem. Your husband is very fortunate to have you.
I can imagine you beat yourself up occasionally, but to be perfectly honest, there's no reason to, there's no reason for etiehr of you to do anything but love one another.
My partner is still in "the fog", and I would really love to learn how to help them understand they aren't in their right mind when they are wrapped up in some sleazy affair. But they just won't hear it until a LOT of damage is done apparently. Its looking like the only thing that wakes these people up is serious damage that was at their hands.
When my partner left me for someone else at first I felt hatred and I could feel the love I had fading fast..that's how it happens if you don't db your arse off.
Acts of love twoards your partner that are reciprocated will get you through to the other side, just be kind, honest, and you will get there. Hatred and running away in despair isn't a solution. Love is the best medicine, its an act, not a feeling.
Love is a choice we make. The affair is what pushes us to make that painful choice. I feel better for making the healthy one. You must feel the same way too. I can only imagine all the stress and anger and pain you felt during the "fog" of your affair. Its heartwrenching to hear about all of this. It just makes me sad.
Hi whatdidido. I actually have a question for you. I have asked others and this does seem to be a common thing :
When you were having your affair, after an extended time did you start to experience any physical symptoms of stress or illness brought on by the affair?
I have been talking to women and men and it seems like most of them expereinced some or all of the following :
1. Stress 2. Muscle pain, particularly in the back and neck 3. Nightmares 4. Insomnia 5. Muscle cramps and spasms 6. Poor concentration 7. Sleep disturbance 8. Fatigue
The thing is, i am looking for physical and emotional distinctions between infidelity and an honest romantic relationship.
There is so much overlap it appears like they are just tragic love stories, even though I realise its more than that.
Other addictions have a similar problem :
Cleanliness Work
These can be taken to unhealthy extreemes just as easily as infidelity but they are masked in the disguise of something healthy and good to have in one's life.
I definitely had physical problems during my affairs. Extremely bad back pain, headaches almost constantly, stomach problems, poor concentration, and tired all the time. I know when I was seeing a counselor and talking to her about everything (I was seeing OM at the time), she said that the stress goes somewhere....it was a secret, no one knew about OM, but I did...and the stress on my body showed it. Looking back, I also realize I was severely depressed. Depression brings on physical problems.
I see a lot of the same in my H. He has terrible stomach problems, which get worse every weekend when we are all together as a family. I think he is being pressured by OW about all the time he spends with us on those days. Plus, he's gained a lot of weight, already on anxiety meds, but complains of extreme fatigue and disinterest in his usual activities. In a way, it makes me more sympathetic toward him,and enables me to be kinder.
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
Yeah, all these things I can see clearly now......the depression, the guilt, the bad choices I made.......but, at that time all I knew was that I was unhappy when I was with my H. Didn't dawn on me that I was creating my own unhappiness.....
I reread most of my old, earlier posts. Wow. WOW. As I read them I see how scattered I was in my thinking....back and forth and back and forth and not making sense...fighting with myself. Wow.
Some days I feel like the progress is so slow. But, reading those posts makes me feel like I have gone a long way since April. It feels longer than 6 months...not to mention that I restarted my clock when I saw OM again. Retrouvaille really helped me. I see a difference in my writings after going. Still stress and troubled but different.
You know we all think you have made great strides. What a journey it has been. You have not only rediscovered your H but also yourself. I think you like yourself better now. Hugs
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I guess I didn't see it until I reread what I wrote. Those posts kinda shocked me into seeing someone I don't even recognize anymore. It is so true that the wayward spouse becomes clouded. Thank goodness I didn't follow some of my thinking....I'm so lucky. And, so lucky to have found this forum. It really helped me turn onto the right path.
I do like myself better now. Low self esteem is a big cause for people to have affairs. It makes them feel better about themselves.....temporarily.....
