Back to life, back to reality?

[istherehope]

Weird update...

So I signed out of IM. This is one of the few times I have ever done this, but really didn't want to be baited or for him to even know what I was up to.

H called about 20 minutes ago, but I ignored his call. I was planning to just email later and say "I missed a call?"

10 minutes later he called again, and I thought I might as well answer it. He just says "where are you?", and I say home...he says then "because you're not online or anything." I said that I was just hanging out, kept it pretty vague and started talking about the pets and how the dogwalker had come by. I asked what he was up to, and said he was about to get on a call. Then I said I needed to leave, was going to the store, did he need me to pick up anything. Then he had a list of 3 specific things. He asked me how I was feeling. he knows I have had some flu-like symptoms lately, and sent me an email with the local Doctor's info in case I wanted to go, and sent this while we were still on the phone. Then he told me about getting his blood results back later, had to do with asthma, and I showed some interest in this. He said he'd call later. I hope not. In any case he sounded sort of contrite, trying not to read too much into this call, as it could be completely guilt-fueled. I really have no idea why he felt the need to talk to me so desperately.

ITH

[Separated]

(((ITH)))

Wow!! Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions!! Your H doesn't seem to know if he is coming or going. I think it might be out of guilt. My H was the same way after 'the bomb' I was a mean nasty B&^%^ and told him that I wanted him out and that he was no longer allowed in my bed. That week he made me dinner and packed me lunch for work. I believe he may have felt guilty and tried to act like nothing was wrong. Trust me now I wish I acted differently and hadn't pushed him away.

I think that it is a good idea for you to stay at your friends house for a few days and clear your head. You do not want to try to make any big decisions now while you are emotional. Take the time with your friend to cry and let out your emotions.

Hang in there. Ali is right you never know what the next few months can bring. As this is all unexpected things changing for the best can be unexpected too.

[istherehope]

Thanks Sep :),

I like your last sentence.

I may be a masochist for hanging in there but I still believe in it, and I will continue to believe in it unless I decide that I want to date again or some other thing changes my heart.

While I pushed H last night, I also apologized this morning, and said I shouldn't have acted in that way. I said that I didn't mean any of the unkind things that I had said.

H's call probably was out of guilt, but was still unexpectedly friendly and even open in terms of sharing about his blood results, so I will just take that as a positive for the moment.

Yeah me choosing to go to my friend's house tomorrow without being asked makes me feel as though I have some power back. I think I will come back Friday night, but very late, and dressed up from dancing or something. I am even tempted to make up the spare room and say that I'd prefer to sleep in there, but haven't quite decided on that yet. I just need H to know that I am OK without all the ILYs and such right now. I was just so weepy last night that I damaged my credibility...

ITH

[Separated]

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting your marriage to work and believing that there is a chance.

Good I am glad that you are going to your friends house. Then you can clear your head for a little while. Go out dancing, have some fun!! This has been a very stressful time and you need to have a good time.

[JCJ]

(((ITH)))

I'm sorry, that all sounds really crappy. When you are hearing all that I am not surprised the DBing went out of the window. Ok, so I think we need to try something new. I personally think you are providing a safety net that he is abusing at the moment, basically always being 'there' on IM. It doesn't make him wonder where you are. Is there a way you can remedy that?

I'm not so sure you should go to your friends for long. I think you should be in the house but not so 'available'. When he calls you, don't always go - be mysterious and say you're busy. Some things like that. Only answer every other call, when he talks (read spews) at you don't say anything, listen and nod. If you can't trust yourself not to 'backslide' say nothing. Let him *really* feel what single life is without having such a safety net in you. Only respond to positives from him.

Just my opinion, if it feels uncomfortable it means you are doing something different. But all the time, be friendly. Don't be cool, be happy and light and warm but don't give everything away, be a little mysterious...

Sorry if there are typos - my keyboard is being weird today!

[istherehope]

Thanks JCJ,

I am just so worried that when he said it was over now that he meant it. Even though he waffled a few times, it is like he never wants to go back on something.

Unfortunately when I'm actually in the office, I am on the same IM as him for work, so I will be available. I made it very clear though that I did not want to have those conversations on IM again.

Yeah I won't answer all of his calls either. Today I answered 1 of the 2.

I agree with the listening and nodding. I need to try this when he spews again. I mean last night we were in bed with the lights turned off and he wasn't even facing me when he said these things at first. It was so cowardly I thought. Then I turned the light on and freaked out at him. So many things said...I told him he needed to quit talking like a self-help book and get a grip on reality. I said that not everything in life needed to be an existential crisis.

I want to avoid any living together conversations, so in order to make it work as well as possible, I agree that I shouldn't be out of the house for "too long." I think 2 nights in a row will be fine, and then I might do the same the following week. It is possible he won't discuss things if I come and go of my own accord, but not too likely...

So I think today we can avoid the conversation, and then if I am not here for the next 2 days, and if he honors my IM policy, we should be fine until at least Saturday, as I plan to go out late Friday night.

Agreed about responding to the positives. I wish there were some to respond to though! Tonight should be interesting in any case, am looking forward to being out when he arrives. He may call or something to see where I am, but I think I will ignore him if so.

ITH

[JCJ]

As much as it hurts he may well think it is over *at that/this time* but honestly, I still think he is very confused. I am under no illusions in my sitch that h has said that to me and thinks it, in fact me showing him I accept that has been key in my sitch to starting dialogue again. Jody actually said to me to show that I understood and took on board that h was saying it was over and that stops negative thoughts on his part as you are not battling him.

Ok, so if he doesn't honour your IM boundaries you need to reinforce them. If he reaches out just say something like

'hey, i'm really busy with work at the moment but we can discuss that at ... hope you are having a good day (to close it down)'

I'm not surprised that you reacted, it was poor timing on his part and late at night is NEVER a good time to talk. Just again say to him something like

'I'm sorry you feel that way, I'd like to hear more about it. Let's get some sleep and we can discuss it in the morning/ lunchtime etc etc' Chances are it probably won't come up again.

All these times you choose to engage him - you have control over this.

So I think today we can avoid the conversation, and then if I am not here for the next 2 days, and if he honors my IM policy, we should be fine until at least Saturday, as I plan to go out late Friday night.

Look at it this way, there will be no r talks until Sat because you will not engage him in them. Remember you have control, avoidance is good but you need to find the strength to reinforce the boundaries you set, as you would a child in a way.

And BTW there are LOADS of positives - go back and read your threads

Sorry I hope I am not being too harsh I understand how rubbish it must all be at the moment x

[istherehope]

Hi JCJ,

Thank you for the post. Just wondering what positives you still see? I mean I HAD seen positives until yesterday. The only slight one is this weird potentially going to the US thing that really makes no sense to me and even he says is unlikely but still says it. Now even ML is bad in his eyes, because he doesn't feel close to me. This makes me sick just thinking about it. Honestly it is as if he found a book with the most hurtful things you can ever say to someone listed, and started reading them off. I mean even last night he was saying things like how I was emotional over the summer and I never held my feelings back. I was SO good over the summer...

OK you're right that I can control engaging him in the conversations, especially on IM.

Tonight I am going to somehow need to act normal and not bothered. At least he knows I'm sick already, so if I'm not too perky, I can chock it up to illness.

ITH

[JCJ]

Remember to only believe their actions - you are believing his words. Look back at his actions, not his words and don't let last night blind you from the other stuff that has happened.

(((ITH)))

I think you should take care of yourself tonight, I hope you feel better. i'm sending over virtual cups of tea and horlicks!

[daisy282]

Hey ITH

There are still positive in your situation.

1. He has not filed for a divorce
2. You are still sleeping in the same bed
3. He is still looking for a connection with you, if he did not care he would not call and ask you how you are feeling or try to find out where you are. Even if it is guilt driven-if he did not care about you at all then he would have nothing to feel guilty about in the first place
4. He is not kicking you out of the house

There are more I am sure but those are the ones I see at the moment. I know that it is hard to listen to them go into "hopless mode" but you have to understand that it does not really mean too much, just venting on their part. Remember the old DB saying "believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do" You seem to have forgotten that along the way.

I do not want to sound harsh here because I do feel for you and think he is being out of control angry and rude to you. I am still concerned that he is being borderline abusive. There is emotional abuse too. . .which can be more dangerous and hurtful that physical abuse. Please be careful.

I think the most important thing is to give space and not engage in another R talk. Walk away if you have to, block him on IM if he starts it up and won't respect your boundaries. You are tired and you need time to recouperate. He needs to understand that and respect it. But if he can't/won't then you have to take it upon yourself to make sure you are being taken care of and not too stressed out.

I still think there is hope for your situation. So take the time away and then come back in with a refreshed heart and attitude and see what happens. It seems like before, when you guys had a blowout it would sometimes lead to more positive interactions a day or two later. And to me it seems like it is already changing based on his phone call to you.

Keep at it honey. We are all here for you!