God grant me the patience and the strength...8

[theotherhalf]

He will avoid you, or be nasty

By venting to him. Telling him how angry I am and why. And asking why don't you see or care? ... your right, that is exactly how he is.

But these two times I just sent the TM saying that I hate him...and when he asked what and why I said doesn't matter. He didn't avoid me, it was the opposite, he called or came out. He wasn't mean or nasty, the opposite he was nice.

I am so really confused.

I don't know where to look for new friends. I live in a rural community and know most of the people around. I have lived here for 25 yrs. I like being home, just not alone. There's no point in going out anymore because I just get to watch everyone else drink and have fun. (I can't drink because of the legal stuff) And it takes money to do most things, and we have NONE. So yea, I'm pretty much stuck. So instead I am busying myself here at home. And going to church. If I could only get in to painting again. They are out sitting on my table. I just can't bring myself to start. I think I think of doing it every day, just can not get there.

WHO CARES what he thinks, or what he notices. This isn't for him.

Your right and I am pretty close to getting there.

filing

I just can't...

thanks lwb

[theotherhalf]

Well I made it through day 1 of NC. And I am okay with it. When I got home from work I noticed either H had been here or repair man. I was going to call H to see if the combine was fixed. NOPE. I can ask later when I see him.

Talked to BIL last night. He said "TOH I am just as confused as you are. Your right it doesn't make any sense. If he was done with you, I don't care what he says, he wouldn't be coming out to just hang out. And especially like Sat night and staying." Then he told me that H mentioned to him the other day that H was looking to move to another town, where they work. BIL said nothing to him. But to me said, it makes no sense.

I decided last night to get out my Halloween decorations. I usually go all out as it is one of my favs. This year I really didn't care. But I put out some. Then had some fun with the girls. I set out rubber spiders and bugs around and scared them good. It was fun!

Talked to my L yesterday. Pre-lim court is supposed to be Thurs. L said he is working on it. Guess it comes down to I really don't have a choice. I either plead guilty to 3rd Deg Burglary or I risk going to trial on 1st Deg and facing 25 yrs in prison. So even though I don't feel I committed Burglary in any degree. I have to plead that I did. I am so ticked off at myself for letting this happen...And damb them both.. L is working on making sure we don't have to sit in court all day and that we get the right judge. So supposed to let me know today whether or not we are going Thurs or if once again it will be delayed. H knows court is Thurs. Anyone want to lay odds I won't hear a thing from him this week? I don't care if he hates me, wouldn't he care enough to ask how it went? shaking my head....

It will be a rough week for me. Thurs is court. Friday is OW's B-day. Happy B-day to her!! And now starting the NC again...But I've got my big girl pants on and I WILL be just fine...

Have a good day all
TOH

[dl443322]

OH Toh, you have a lot going on this week. Please try not to worry about whether h is going to call. Take care of you. Do your best to keep as busy as you can. Try to find a minute or two to relax and breathe. I will be praying for you to have the best outcome you can in court.

[theotherhalf]

thank you bm, I appreciated your thoughts and prayers very much.

TOH

[LL44]

Get out more decorations! It will help you feel better, and make the girls happy. Somewhere on this board it says to make your 'outside' look better, then your inside will feel better (meaning..keep up your house, lawn, organize, etc). It will set a great example for your girls.

Yay for NC!

Just remember, don't set yourself up with "...will H call or not...". Just say to yourself that he won't, and go on with your week. Sadly, this legal stuff is your mess. Yes, H should be supportive and feel bad, but he isn't and doesn't. So, you and your L handle it.

GREAT JOB not calling H about a question you can simply ask him later. I *still* do that, think "I should call and tell him about that appt on Friday", but I don't contact anymore. I am not immune to pain, I promise. I still check my phone and sigh when I don't see anything from xH.

Yuck to OW's bday! Hopefully she'll eat some cake with laxatives in it.

Have a great day!

[theotherhalf]

Well the NC really lasted a long time...

Got home from work today and H was here combining at the other place. I of course wanted to call him, or rush over there and see if he needed anything. I didn't. I cleaned house instead. Made an apple cake. And started supper. I was home alone as the girls were at VB.

A little before 6 H came. He came in the house. It's so hard for me to be pleasant and I probably give him the impression that I am not too happy to see him. Of course I am but the mess wins over. Anyway, he asked me to take him back to get the truck. We did. He came in for a bit. Then asked if it was okay for him to crash on MY couch and go to work from here. I didn't say anything. He said "or no". I said, "no". He started to put his jacket back on. I laughed and said of course you can. I told him I was making myself a burger and salad and asked if he wanted some to. He said he didn't care. We ate and watched TV.

After awhile H turned my way and said "how about some dessert?". I said "I have apple cake" (I knew what he meant) he said "not the kind of dessert I was thinking". I didn't answer. Finally he said, is that a no? I said " I didn't say anything, I guess it has been so long, I am kind of stunned. I went to the BR he followed. It was okay, more intimate than has been, but I so miss the passion. The best part was spooning with him and laying wrapped in his arms. I didn't stay too long though because I didn't want to keep him awake.

When he left for work, he said he might be back in the AM. WTH?? But I'm not banking on it, nor does it matter. This time TOH is not getting dragged in or down. I HOPE!!! It's still Whatever! H. It's still NC for me. It's time for TOH to move forward. If he decides to come along, that's wonderful. If not, his stupidity.

[Andabelle]

You have an interesting definition of NC.

Before ML you had been acting a tiny bit more aloof-- maybe that's what's got him coming around more. Do you think you could keep that going and perhaps kick it up a notch? Try acting like you don't care what he does (a tall order, I know).

[theotherhalf]

What do you mean about def of NC

What I was saying is that I am no longer contacting him for any reason other that business or kids.

Before last night I was acting alot more aloof. The impression I am giving him his that I don't give a d*mb what he does anymore. And some of it is not "acting". I really am feeling "whatever H". I don't ask. I don't check. I almost really don't care, doesn't matter anyway. Like I told my sister last night. "Of course I want him here, of course I want him to stay, but if I have to ask, or beg, or if I'm just going to get hurt again..."whatever H"." Honestly when he walked in the door last night I couldn't even look at him. And I wanted to say "what do you want?".

BUT! Always a BUT...In my heart, nothing has changed.

I have read many many times on these boards that LBS dream about their H/W. I never have. In 18months I've never had a dream about H or if I did, I didn't remember it. That has bothered me.

Last night I dreamt of my H. I dreamt that he was comparing me to an old neighbor lady. (This lady is the nicest. She is very talented. Cooks, sews, very family oriented, works dang hard, helped her H farm. Everyone loves her.)He said "when I think of you I think of May, only you don't hold a candle to her (grinning). And if I ask to come home..." Thats all I remember. Wierd??? Thinking thismorning...what did that mean?...

The sex thing last night is bothering me as well. We are both so gaurded and it's really only "sex". I don't have a clue how to tear the walls down and just be "real" with him. Last night was a repeat of the past. He suggested, we go to bed and have sex, that's it. No kissing, no passion. I imagine him kissing me, taking my clothes off, and I his.

I want to be ME. I want to play with him. Kiss him out of the blue. Hug him. Really flirt with him, have fun with him. It's been a very long time since we have been this way with each other. That is some of what hurt our M. I want that again. I want to be that "dersirable" woman. But right now, I am afraid. I am afraid to push. To be too forward.

Last night I was disappointed and it worries me. If he was "checking" the waters, he'll run. If he was seeing if there was still a connection. Ouch.

Blah, Blah, Blah. Sorry just venting...

[theotherhalf]

Just remember, don't set yourself up with "...will H call or not...". Just say to yourself that he won't, and go on with your week.

Pretty much...I know he won't call. He never has about any of this. If I bring it up he'll ask. Otherwise it's like it's not happening. Only once (after PA dropped the charge to 3rd deg.)did he say he felt like crap for what has happened to me. That it was his fault. I just said, no, I'm a big girl and did it to myself.

Sadly, this legal stuff is your mess. Yes, H should be supportive and feel bad, but he isn't and doesn't. So, you and your L handle it.

He does feel bad. So much so that he can't deal with it. So he doesn't. Ignores, hoping that it will all go away...
And my L is just about as worthless. But it's MY problem. I did it. I am dealing with it.

I still check my phone and sigh when I don't see anything from xH.

Isn't that dumb? I do it all the time. I just shake my head at myself.

Yuck to OW's bday! Hopefully she'll eat some cake with laxatives in it.

Actually I don't care what she does on her B-day. I hope that she has a good one. I just pray that she is no where near my H.

[a new 2moro]

he plays you like a fiddle......when are you ever gonna say no to this man??????